DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had to have my cat put down recently. Although she was quite old, her illness came on suddenly, and I was very distressed when the vet said there was nothing he could do. She wasn't in pain, so he kindly left me with her and said to take as long as I wanted to say goodbye.

After just a few minutes, an assistant at the office came into the room to get something. Someone had evidently told her of my situation, so she decided this was the time to explain to me how hard it was for her when she lost her own cat a couple of years before.

Miss Manners, I was spending a few last moments with my own beloved friend and companion. I guess she meant well, but her comments seemed so strange and inappropriate, and certainly nothing I wanted to hear right then. I was too fuddled to think of a polite way to get her to leave and just muttered answers, semi-surly ones, I'm afraid, until she finally went away. I think she was offended. It all just made a terrible situation worse.

What could I have said? Is there any way to politely express the wish, "Go away and leave me alone, you self-absorbed, insensitive ninny"? Is there some comment I could make to the vet, perhaps, that wouldn't blow it out of proportion but would communicate that being approached that way at such a time was not at all helpful?

GENTLE READER: As she works for a veterinarian, the young lady is probably used to snarling. But that does not excuse you. At least not to Miss Manners, although I would hope that those in the office have learned to make allowances in this situation.

All you needed to say was, "Please excuse us." If you must report her, please be gentle in suggesting only that private spaces should be provided that the staff need not enter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A young friend of mine, age 26, asked me today if I would be a bridesmaid in her wedding. Of course, she honored me with her request.

However, I am 56 and feel that I would be so out of place. I do not wear anything close to what is considered contemporary for bridesmaids -- no short dresses, and I bare no arms. I would not want her to have to fit my mode of dress to be a part of her wedding party.

Is 56 too old to be a bridesmaid, especially for someone as young as this bride?

GENTLE READER: Bridesmaids are supposed to be chosen for their closeness to the bride, not their chorus line looks, and your friend, despite her age, is apparently mature enough to understand that.

You might mention your reservations about the clothing, but Miss Manners has faith that the lady in question is more interested in friendship than in costuming.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does one do with the milk left in the bottom of the cereal bowl? I always drink it. One day I shocked someone who said it was bad manners. Wasting the milk doesn't seem right, either. Please advise.

GENTLE READER: Two pieces of advice (choose one):

(1) Use a spoon. (2) Eat breakfast alone with the shades down and don't tell anyone.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm dating a man who has a 17-year-old son and a 19-year-old daughter. I'm planning a surprise 50th birthday party for him. I haven't informed the kids of the party yet.

The guest list comprises generally people 35 years and older -- the honoree's friends and some adult family members who live locally, including his parents. I invited my parents and some of my friends.

I intended this to be our generation with the exception of our parents. I intend on informing the kids of the event, but didn't intend to invite them.

Am I obligated to invite his kids? They are very close to him, but I really don't want to share this particular party with them. We are also planning a family dinner at a restaurant the next day in which the kids will be included.

GENTLE READER: It is a good thing that you enjoy surprises.

Miss Manners believes that you are likely to get some surprises yourself when you explain to the children that you are excluding them on the basis of age, but making an exception for your own parents, and another surprise when the guest of honor finds out.

Instead, you might discourage the children politely by saying, "That's going to be an old people's party, and you're welcome, but I was afraid you'd be bored. The real family party is the dinner."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For English afternoon tea, is there a particular order in displaying the foods, and an eating order on the three-tier server? And what kinds of foods are no-no for English afternoon tea?

GENTLE READER: Afternoon tea consists of three courses -- warm bread, sandwiches and sweets -- and there is indeed a strict order in which they should be eaten. All are put out at the same time, on platters or the three-tiered stand you mention, but if you reach for the plum cake first, Nanny will slap your hand.

Propriety aside (and only cucumber sandwiches could distract Miss Manners from dwelling on propriety), there is no need to rush. The bread can be sweetened with jam and, if it is in the form of scones, topped with clotted cream. Then there are those tiny, crustless sandwiches. Finally, the cookies or miniature pastries or thin slices of cake.

Many subtle variations are made on these three categories, so it is a bit hard to say what would be out of place. Afternoon tea is not supposed to substitute for a meal -- that would be high tea, the name of which is often misapplied to the tea you mean -- so nothing substantial is served. And nothing that is messy or awkward to eat. Miss Manners would not advise putting out a platter of barbecued ribs, for example.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is getting married this summer. He is looking at black and red, but I say it is for winter and evening.

GENTLE READER: Surely you mean that he is reading "The Red and the Black" by our dear Stendhal, in which case Miss Manners has to agree that it will not put him into the proper frame of mind for marriage.

You could not be referring to his wardrobe, because a bridegroom wears only black and white evening clothes or, for a less formal wedding, a blue suit.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Nice people tell Miss Manners that they simply cannot believe it. Her often-stated lament that we have turned into a nation of beggars -- beggars who are far from destitute, but are trolling for luxuries -- is not their experience.

Well, yes, someone will recall, there was that wedding invitation from a distant cousin accompanied by a request to contribute money to help them buy a house. But that branch of the family never did know how to behave.

And there was the neighbor's son who sent out emails asking for sponsors so he could buy a car. But he was only a teenager, and his parents couldn't have known he was doing this.

Oh, and the colleague who asked for money to buy his wife a special birthday present. He has a high-paying job, but he probably has problems we don't know about.

There is a simpler explanation for all of these incidents and the huge number of similar ones being reported to Miss Manners every day. It is that people no longer plan in terms of luxuries they can afford or save to buy, but of what they want now, and they are shameless about asking others to pay.

A brief sample from her mailbox:

-- "Help me! I am 10 years old and I don't want to go to the library to check out books. But it is too expensive to buy an electronic book reader. What should I do to get it?"

-- "My nephew posted on Facebook that he was more than disappointed that he didn't get wedding gifts and how people came to the reception and HE paid for their meal so they got a free ride. He also posted that because of people not giving him money, he doesn't have enough to go on his honeymoon. He then requested donations! He and his new wife were really trashing people for not giving a gift and how broke they are now. What's amazing (well, not really) is that he never sent thank-you cards to the people who did give."

-- "My son is a college student and is saving to travel to Germany in the summer so he can visit a friend. Is it polite to let friends and family know that he is saving for a trip? And if it is, how is the best way to do it. By email? Facebook? Phone call? Or handwritten letter?"

-- "I was invited to the birthday party of a 6-year-old family member. I received an invitation by email and was asked to bring money as a gift. What do you think about this? I thought it was rude, and I am not attending at all."

-- "My husband's nephew will be making his confirmation today and all that has been mentioned is the amount of money to give, which I find crass and offensive."

-- "I received a group email regarding a pregnancy meal planning schedule. The young daughter of one of my friends is having a baby and wants everyone to sign up to bring meals or gift certificates for restaurants in our area. The request was for homemade dinners with likes and dislikes listed, restaurants that the couple frequents or gift certificates."

-- "In the past year, three different couples have sent me 'solicitation' letters for money to go toward the adoption of a new baby.

"Miss Manners, I was under the impression that becoming parents was a decision between spouses and their Creator, not a community service project that required donations from outside parties. While in some cases it may 'take a village to raise a child,' I certainly don't believe the village is responsible for the funding of the project.

"I know people, all too well, who delayed, sacrificed and saved to have a family. We all know the people who have worked two jobs, put off an education and made numerous untold sacrifices to become parents, without the 'community' becoming involved in their parenting efforts. Not to mention the people I know who have spent countless dollars on infertility treatments in the struggle."

Miss Manners knows people like that, too. They are the ones who say it cannot possibly be true that traditionally proud Americans no longer believe that asking for handouts is the last desperate and humiliating resort of the destitute.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)