Nice people tell Miss Manners that they simply cannot believe it. Her often-stated lament that we have turned into a nation of beggars -- beggars who are far from destitute, but are trolling for luxuries -- is not their experience.

Well, yes, someone will recall, there was that wedding invitation from a distant cousin accompanied by a request to contribute money to help them buy a house. But that branch of the family never did know how to behave.

And there was the neighbor's son who sent out emails asking for sponsors so he could buy a car. But he was only a teenager, and his parents couldn't have known he was doing this.

Oh, and the colleague who asked for money to buy his wife a special birthday present. He has a high-paying job, but he probably has problems we don't know about.

There is a simpler explanation for all of these incidents and the huge number of similar ones being reported to Miss Manners every day. It is that people no longer plan in terms of luxuries they can afford or save to buy, but of what they want now, and they are shameless about asking others to pay.

A brief sample from her mailbox:

-- "Help me! I am 10 years old and I don't want to go to the library to check out books. But it is too expensive to buy an electronic book reader. What should I do to get it?"

-- "My nephew posted on Facebook that he was more than disappointed that he didn't get wedding gifts and how people came to the reception and HE paid for their meal so they got a free ride. He also posted that because of people not giving him money, he doesn't have enough to go on his honeymoon. He then requested donations! He and his new wife were really trashing people for not giving a gift and how broke they are now. What's amazing (well, not really) is that he never sent thank-you cards to the people who did give."

-- "My son is a college student and is saving to travel to Germany in the summer so he can visit a friend. Is it polite to let friends and family know that he is saving for a trip? And if it is, how is the best way to do it. By email? Facebook? Phone call? Or handwritten letter?"

-- "I was invited to the birthday party of a 6-year-old family member. I received an invitation by email and was asked to bring money as a gift. What do you think about this? I thought it was rude, and I am not attending at all."

-- "My husband's nephew will be making his confirmation today and all that has been mentioned is the amount of money to give, which I find crass and offensive."

-- "I received a group email regarding a pregnancy meal planning schedule. The young daughter of one of my friends is having a baby and wants everyone to sign up to bring meals or gift certificates for restaurants in our area. The request was for homemade dinners with likes and dislikes listed, restaurants that the couple frequents or gift certificates."

-- "In the past year, three different couples have sent me 'solicitation' letters for money to go toward the adoption of a new baby.

"Miss Manners, I was under the impression that becoming parents was a decision between spouses and their Creator, not a community service project that required donations from outside parties. While in some cases it may 'take a village to raise a child,' I certainly don't believe the village is responsible for the funding of the project.

"I know people, all too well, who delayed, sacrificed and saved to have a family. We all know the people who have worked two jobs, put off an education and made numerous untold sacrifices to become parents, without the 'community' becoming involved in their parenting efforts. Not to mention the people I know who have spent countless dollars on infertility treatments in the struggle."

Miss Manners knows people like that, too. They are the ones who say it cannot possibly be true that traditionally proud Americans no longer believe that asking for handouts is the last desperate and humiliating resort of the destitute.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine is due to have a civil trial fairly soon. Neither he nor I believe the charges against him are true. I want to send him a note wishing him the best during the trial, but given the serious nature of the event, I feel "good luck" is too cheerful. What is an appropriate thing to say to him?

GENTLE READER: Well, yes, "good luck" does sound a bit as if luck is what it will take to resolve the issue. Miss Manners would think that "You are obviously not at fault, and surely anyone can see that" would be more gratifying.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my elderly neighbors uses paper plates in her home because she thinks it's convenient and she doesn't want to wash dishes. I'm a staunch environmentalist at heart and always use ceramic plates in my home. I think paper plates are a waste of money and bad for the environment.

In addition, I was taught by my parents that when people come over, one should show great hospitality by using a cup, saucer and dessert plate (in the following case).

My neighbor came to my place one night, and we had coffee and cookies. She made a comment that I used too many ceramic plates. I didn't say anything. What do I say in this situation? Do I just say that's how I was raised and leave out the part about the environment? She's so set in her ways.

GENTLE READER: It is all very well for her to be set in her ways, but she also seems to be set on getting in your way.

To invoke your upbringing would be to imply superiority to hers and open a discussion about flexibility for the sake of environmental concerns. It would be better to say, "Well, Emmeline, you do things your way and I do things my way. But that doesn't mean we can't be friends."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are having a church wedding that can accommodate many guests, but our reception is limited to 100 guests.

I want to send out two different sets of invitations, one set for wedding-only guests that will make no mention of any reception, and one for the wedding/reception guests that will obviously give all the information.

I have read mixed reviews on whether this is appropriate. However, I would rather take the chance of offending someone by inviting them to the wedding only, than not inviting them at all because I couldn't accommodate them at the reception.

GENTLE READER: There is tradition behind that idea. There is even a proper form: The invitation is to the wedding only, and a separate card for the reception is enclosed -- or not.

Miss Manners, Guardian of Tradition, begs you not to do this. It was a bad tradition, clearly separating the A list from the B list. You are mistaken that it would not be offensive to be asked to witness your marriage but not to celebrate it with you. The scene on the church steps, when some people realized that others were off to enjoy champagne while they were dismissed, would not be pretty.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I go to his ex-wife's home to visit his children, she likes to tell me stories of his supposed infidelities during their marriage.

I don't know what to say, so I say nothing. We go to her home because she does not want the children to stay with us. The oldest child told her mother that she wanted me for her mother. This upset the mother.

My husband doesn't want to start trouble, so he does what she wants. How do I handle this?

GENTLE READER: You are handling it by not reacting, but Miss Manners supposes that you want to get her to stop. Then say sympathetically, "Well, then, I'm lucky I got him after he sowed his wild oats."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 23 years old, just graduated college and have a full-time job at a great company. I have a strong work ethic and worked hard to get here, but I still count myself very lucky, considering today's economy.

I also have a boyfriend. He is truly a wonderful person with a good heart, and we have a deep emotional connection and an adventurous love.

However, recently during an extensive conversation, he told me the following: "Sometimes I feel like the success of your career will be more important to you than your relationships. ... I'm not saying I want a housewife in 30 years, but I just don't want my kids' mother jet-setting around the country, missing out on their lives."

I was hurt because he brought up my grand ideas, saying that although a lot of them are exciting, with these things he didn't think I would be able to fit him into my life.

Honestly, at the end of the day, family, love and friends trump all. But I certainly deserve the right to dream and the right for those dreams to come true. Now, when I tell him that, he says he completely understands and wants me to be happy and wants the best for me -- but we might need different things.

Do I need to "choose" between being the modern woman or accepting traditionalism? How do I even figure out which it is that I want to be, and if it's a mix of both, how do I find that balance?

Or, is he right? Do we simply need different things?

You know the drill ... I feel, so often, that we are perfectly in tune; it's as if we invented love. But being realistic, I wonder -- is it worth it?

GENTLE READER: Fortunately, this is an etiquette column, so Miss Manners doesn't have to weigh your romance, which an outsider cannot do anyway, nor enter into the question of how to balance work and family, for which there is no one-size-fits-all solution.

The etiquette question -- and it is an important one, as you are presuming eventual marriage -- is whether he will treat you with the respect and trust necessary for a good partnership, and which you are presumably prepared to grant him. Miss Manners suggests continuing to discuss his concerns about those hypothetical children to find out what limits he expects to put on his own dreams for their sake.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)