DEAR MISS MANNERS: How strict is the rule that a gentleman never tells, and how categorically does it apply?

Naturally, it's gauche to discuss your sex life with strangers and casual acquaintances. But can one have a (sexual) confidante?

Here's my situation: I'm a newly single 30-year-old man after a six-year slog. I'm enjoying dating around, and I'm doing my best to approach my new relationships with respect and maturity.

My friend M---- and I were never close when we lived in the same city, but we've developed a stronger friendship over Facebook. We chat, we flirt, we joke about how it would be fun if we lived in the same city. (We're 600 miles apart, in different countries.)

She's also my sexual confidante. We talk -- graphically -- about our sex lives, encourage each other when we're feeling low, help each other avoid people who don't make us happy, and also talk a lot about our desires and how they may or may not be fulfilled by our current sexual partners. It's generally graphic and unfiltered, and also with sufficient personal identifying information that we don't protect the anonymity of our partners between us.

I don't really discuss my sex life explicitly with my close male friends, except perhaps to occasionally gloat that I'm happy with how it's going.

Am I violating a rule of etiquette by talking in detail with M----? If so, please elaborate. She's the sole person with whom I really run my mouth.

In general, how does etiquette apply differently to keeping a confidante?

GENTLE READER: In general, etiquette has an absolute rule against gossiping. Absolutely no one obeys it.

Therefore, the idea is not to get caught, especially on matters that violate the privacy or dignity of others, and most especially in intimate situations that presuppose mutual trust.

So how likely is it that your confidences will be revealed and hurt others?

Miss Manners supposes that you feel reassured that your friend lives 600 miles away in a different country, so she is not likely to see the same people you do, and that she confides in you, so it is in her interest to keep your trust.

But does she have other confidantes? And is she under the common delusion that nobody in public crowds is listening or would recognize names? How much of this did you put on Facebook, under the delusion that it will be kept private?

Miss Manners can't answer these questions, and neither can you. She can only tell you that if nothing leaks out, you can congratulate yourself on having a loyal confidante. If it does get out, you can consider yourself a cad.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I address a letter to The Honorable James Smith and Mrs. James Smith? Do I address the letter as The Honorable and Mrs. James Smith?

GENTLE READER: Not quite. Honorable he may be, but Miss Manners reminds you that he still needs a name. And you need three lines:

The Honorable

John Smith

and Mrs. Smith.

So you don't need "Mr." and you don't need to repeat "James." The form easily accommodates a lady who uses a different name. If she were the one who is, or was, a high government official, it would be:

The Honorable

Bettina Smith

and Mr. James Smith.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This is a problem for the cosmopolitan multiethnic set:

I am a multilingual person who has lived in four continents, only recently back in the United States. In the U.S., I frequently meet first-generation Americans who mispronounce their own names. This is, of course, part of the American ethnic experience, where minorities with complicated names simply adjust and butcher their monikers for the majority's comfort.

As someone who can speak the relevant languages and thus know how to say the names properly, do I refer to these persons as their names should be said? Or do I defer to the majority, and distort the names as they do?

This is complicated, additionally, by the fact that, if a first-generation person has a strong American accent, sometimes he/she genuinely cannot pronounce the name that his/her parents bestowed. Does etiquette explain what is helpful and what is obnoxious in this instance?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette does indeed consider it obnoxious to mispronounce people's names deliberately. That is what you would be doing if you did not use the pronunciation that the holder of the name uses.

Miss Manners wonders how you imagine it might be helpful. That upon hearing this, a new acquaintance would run home and say, "Pa, you've been saying our name wrong"?

What you can do is to say something nice about the name and then comment on how it would be said in its country of origin. But she suggests caution -- surely as a linguist, you are aware that pronunciations vary over time and by region.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an independent mom who has not dated, nor introduced my daughter to, a man of interest in my life. I'm currently seeing a man I'd like to attempt getting to know better.

We've known each other for three years and have been "having fun" for the past two. Things are beginning to get a bit more serious, and I feel that it's time to involve my daughter.

What is the right time/way to do this? We aren't in a "relationship" per se; we're just getting to know each other better. But I feel he has to know her, and her him, before we can really get serious.

Do I introduce him as a friend? I worry that it will send the wrong message if she sees us in a "loving" way later. I'm probably overanalyzing this, but this is a very big step for me, and I want to be sure I do it right, and send my daughter the right message. He also has a son he sees every other weekend that I'll ask the same advice on.

GENTLE READER: Putting aside the issue of "having fun" (which Miss Manners doesn't need to know any more than your daughter does), two people are respectably known as friends unless they should become engaged or otherwise go public as a couple.

That sometimes happens, as it is safe for your daughter to know. Becoming friends before proceeding to courtship is even a good lesson for her to learn. If and when you and the gentleman decide to become a serious couple, you can explain that to her. Before, it would be discreet to keep the "loving" or "fun" part of your friendship private.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If your boyfriend has asked me to marry him several years ago, and he has yet to make a move and set a date -- what do you think would be a polite way to tell him that I love him, but I need this relationship to go forward? I do not want to end it. I just want to remarry and have children.

GENTLE READER: There seems to be some confusion here. Absent-minded as she may be, Miss Manners is pretty sure that she would remember if she had a beau who had asked you to marry him. She probably would have thought about sending you a silver tea service.

Pronoun trouble aside, she does not know of a formula for speeding marriage, now that fathers with shotguns are scarce. But she believes that stating one's needs is less apt to inspire enthusiasm than the declaration that one is so passionately in love as to be impatient to be united forever.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a very well mannered young lady in south Fla. & was wondering how I can tell successful men that keeping their hands to theirself & not kissing etc. is not acceptable! I am mid-western raised with very high morals. I'm wondering (in a nice way) to tell them they aren't being appropriate! I would love to find a book about manners & just give it to them!

GENTLE READER: Folks, can we do some proofreading here?

Miss Manners chooses to believe that you are a young lady of very high morals deploring those who do not keep their hands to themselves and go in for unauthorized kissing, not that you meant to say that you are of low morals and deplore those who refrain.

In the former case, the words you need are, "How dare you!" In the latter case, Miss Manners cannot advise you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend's mother makes it a point to intrude into our lives, and I am not sure how we can manage this. My boyfriend is a very filial son and will plan his dates with me to accommodate his mother's schedule.

When I call my boyfriend in the evenings to have a chat, she will pick up the handset and tell me that it is late and that my boyfriend needs to sleep -- this while the two of us are conducting a conversation.

My boyfriend will never stand up to his mother's controlling instincts. Although I love him, I am beginning to have doubts about the relationship, as I cannot imagine a life with a mother-in-law dictating everything to my husband and him following her instructions to the letter. I've asked him why is he so submissive, and his reply was, "She is my mother."

Is there a polite and effective way to let my boyfriend's mother know that her actions are inappropriate, or should I call it quits with him?

GENTLE READER: If you start criticizing the gentleman's mother, especially on behavior to which he has no objection, you won't need to call it quits with him. Miss Manners is sure that they will be able to manage that between them.

However, she is puzzled at your attitude. If you believe that it is wrong to attempt to dictate behavior to an adult, why do you propose doing it yourself?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)