DEAR MISS MANNERS: I began reading obituaries when I was a child, partly out of general curiosity and partly because I love good stories, and an obituary is often the only time in someone's life when his or her story is publicly posted.

In recent years, I have noticed a rather disquieting trend in which family members request that memorial contributions be directed to them (sometimes specifically to college accounts of offspring) rather than to public charities, perhaps related to the cause of the beloved's demise or to charities especially favored by the deceased.

When my mother died of lung cancer nearly three decades ago, we didn't have much, but it never occurred to any of us to recommend that any memorial contributions be sent to us. Some of our friends responded by contributing (with our heartfelt approval and thanks) to the American Cancer Society.

I'm not talking about struggling young families who cannot afford a proper funeral for tragically lost children without the community's help, either. Is this a sign that life insurance coverage isn't what it used to be, or is society simply getting more selfish?

GENTLE READER: Another Gentle Reader has justly complained that a huge number of the questions Miss Manners answers involve people trying to extract money from their friends or people who feel pressured by those who are doing so -- and that the answer is always the same: Stop it.

Yes, because Miss Manners considers unbridled greed to be the chief modern etiquette problem. Here is yet another example of using all occasions -- every birthday, graduation, new domicile, engagement, wedding, anniversary, birth, and now death -- as an opportunity to fundraise from relatives friends, acquaintances, and colleagues.

She will stop hammering away at this when luxury-oriented begging, if not extortion, is no longer a common social practice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A relative of mine sent me a link to a web page containing what looks like an invitation to the wedding of another relative. I am nonplussed, because this web page says things like, "thank you for participating in our wedding," and "all are invited to our rehearsal dinner at such-and-such on the evening before."

The bride, a CLOSER relative than the one who sent me this link, has NOT told me or my wife that we are requested or invited, yet this is the second time a relative has told us about this wedding.

They DO know that we are financially challenged and it would be a considerable expense for us to travel to the wedding thousands of miles away, yet we STILL have received no word from the bride herself for whom I am a very close relative. How on earth should I/we respond to such an indirect invitation?

GENTLE READER: Why, you must get out your best writing paper and respond immediately in the third person, thanking them for the kind invitation.

Only you didn't get one. So Miss Manners didn't mean it. She just enjoyed thinking of the flummoxed look the bride would have when she received such a thing.

You needn't respond at all, as you have not been invited. But in the interest of family harmony, you might write to say that you saw her web page, at the suggestion of other relatives, and wish her well. This may prompt a question about whether you will be attending, which would indicate that she included you in the "all" who were invited.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know this is trivial but curiosity got the better of me. I wore a pair of traditional lady's profile cameo earrings to lunch with six other women, all of whom admired the earrings.

However, a discussion ensued as to how they should be worn. Three of the women said that the profile should be facing my head. Two of them said that the profile should be facing outward, away from my head. The sixth woman didn't think it really mattered, and I have absolutely no real opinion on the subject except to say that it's been my habit to wear them with the profile facing away from my head.

So, trivial and trite as I feel the question may be, apparently there are people (at least five that I know of) to whom it does matter. So, Miss Manners: Should the profile be facing the wearer's head, facing away, or doesn't it matter?

GENTLE READER: Trivial, you say? Compared to world hunger, you mean?

In that case, we would never ponder anything else.

The question not only interests but worries Miss Manners. Please position the earrings so that the cameo ladies look forward, in the same direction as your face. Otherwise, they would be turning away from everyone you encounter and even appear to be attempting to escape you. Cameo ladies would never want to be guilty of such rudeness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In this electronic age, most of us are using cell phones often, either for calls, texting, or both. I have had friends complain to me about taking so long to return messages when they have tried to contact me.

Although I do try to be responsive in a timely manner, I sometimes am in places where it would be rude to take the call. And if I am visiting with people at the time, I am not sure it would be polite to be sitting there texting away. But I would be curious to get your opinion on how soon one should return messages.

GENTLE READER: What is the nature of your relationship to these people, that they feel that they have the authority to keep you on such a short tether?

Miss Manners would have thought that even a boss or a lover who refused to admit your privilege of having a life would quickly inspire rebellion.

She is aware, however, that people with no such claims now believe that they should be able to command your attention at any time merely because it is technologically possible.

Another curious result is that many people no longer know how to prioritize electronic approaches, the way they once sorted their mail: invitations answered quickly, love letters sooner or later depending on one's emotions about the writer, chattiness when one has the time to chat, and so on. Instead, everything is classified as a potential emergency. (Emergencies were not formerly sent by letter, and Miss Manners doubts that many of them arrive by other means.)

Your choice is between being polite and thereby disappointing rude people, or satisfying them by being rude to others.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have several friends who are in open or polyamorous relationships. Because I'm happy for their happiness together, I would like to make sure that I'm not excluding or slighting any of the partners.

If I am sending them an invitation to a gathering, how on earth do I address it? "Mr. and Mrs. Jane Doe and Ms. Lily Smith"? "The Doe and Smith Family"? "John and Jane Doe and Lily Smith"?

I don't want to draw overmuch attention to the fact that one couple is legally married and the other is "just" secondary. (This is insulting in polyamorous circles.) Also, am I correct in assuming that if the third partner has taken the legally married couple's name as part of a long-term arrangement, the correct address is "John, Jane, and Lily Doe" or "The Doe Family"? It seems silly to use "Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Doe," and "Mr. and Mrs. and Ms. Doe" opens all sorts of other concerns.

Also, how do I introduce a polyamorous group socially? Do legally married partners have status over second partners, meriting first introduction, or do I simply say, "Ms. Jones, these are my friends, the Does" and leave Ms. Jones to establish how they interrelate?

I have asked friends in the poly community how they handle this, and they say, "Just call them up and invite them!" which is not, perhaps, the most helpful of answers, though it is well-meaning.

GENTLE READER: Your busy friends have a point: Etiquette does not attempt to pinpoint what goes on in a household when company is not expected.

Miss Manners hopes this does not disappoint you.

It does provide you with a simple solution, however. Adults in the same household, whatever their relationship, are addressed by their names. Thus the envelopes could be addressed (on separate lines) to "Ms. Lily Smith/Mr. and Mrs. John Doe" or Ms. Lily Smith/Ms. Jane Doe/Mr. John Doe."

People do not generally send out invitations with the purpose of insulting their prospective guests, a fact of which those who are touchy about Ms. or Mrs. should take notice.

But judging from your friends' suggestion, they do not seem to be as fragile as you think.

And yes, you can let Ms. Jones discover the relationship for herself. Isn't that what parties are for?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know if there is a protocol in viewing a new baby after you have been asked to the mother's shower.

I have been invited to several baby showers by a relative for her children. When the baby is born, I usually wait a month or two before mentioning that I would love to see the baby. I would not think of dropping in on the new parents unannounced and overstaying, but I would like to bring a gift of food or something for the baby and stay for a short visit. I would stay approximately one hour.

GENTLE READER: There is such a protocol, and you have delineated it exactly: Wait until the new household adjusts, call and request paying a visit, bring a little something for the baby and don't stay long. Miss Manners would only add that you not attempt to hold the baby without permission, and that you must make sure to confirm the parents' belief that theirs is the loveliest baby ever born.

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