DEAR MISS MANNERS: Today I was going through paperwork, arranging it for tax purposes.

It's necessary to point out that I am 10 years delinquent in contending with filing, due to PTSD, and have not been able to open so much as a bill (most things are paid out of my accounts direct) unless it is very easy to identify.

Much of the year I've worked with a therapist in preparing to overcome this. At first, mere mention would create an emotional and physical response that was rather out of context. I would be gridlocked for days at an e-mail talking about needing to do it. We got to the point I could handle this year's, which would still avoid the most painful of the paperwork, and help me develop a routine in simply working with any paperwork. The catalyst is my son is going into college, and I don't want my impairments to impair him from getting financial help.

A friend came over today to "help" and happened upon a social security document that was very personal inside. He laughed upon opening and reading it, though there had been no need because the front was clearly marked and could therefore be properly filed without personal information being read. It was my yearly statement about lifelong contributions.

It was a clear setback. My heart raced (and I had a heart attack two weeks ago), breathing became difficult, and I wasn't able to continue. I told him that felt very inappropriate and went to my room to be alone.

My therapist friend recommended I write to you and ask how that could have better been navigated had I had the presence of mind to be forthright, a prepared statement, so to speak. Perhaps with your insights I could handle that better myself should it come again.

GENTLE READER: Uh, wait. That seems the least of your problems. Miss Manners would like to respect your fragile condition but doubts that the government will be so delicate in dealing with your 10 years delinquency in paying taxes.

Nor can she summon up much indignation against your friend. By asking him to help you with your taxes, you made him privy to a great deal of information about your finances, and it is not always easy, when ploughing through mounds of paper, to distinguish what is relevant and what is not.

The only possible transgression was the laugh, but surely a close friend should be given the benefit of the doubt. Had you asked, "What's so funny?" you might have received an acceptable explanation.

In any case, Miss Manners wishes you luck with your physical, emotional and legal problems. They will not be lessened by your targeting a friend who was trying to help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are having a surprise 50th birthday party for my mother. We would like to do just appetizers and bite-size desserts. The party starts at 7 p.m. Is this OK, or should be serve a buffet-style dinner?

GENTLE READER: What you have proposed serving is the menu for a tea party. Serve it at 7 and your guests will think it paltry. Serve it at 4 and Miss Manners assures you that they will think it lavish.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When at a public restroom and the person in the stall next to you receives a call, what should one do when finished with one's "business"?

Wait to flush until the call finishes (who knows how long that would be?) or flush and have her caller know where she is receiving the call? It's a dilemma.

GENTLE READER: Not really. Ask yourself which is the proper business in that particular location. Miss Manners is afraid that mistaken deference to an improper activity there could leave you stranded for some time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When the subject of my wedding came up, my father's girlfriend announced that in her day, the father of the bride was only responsible for paying for the alcohol at the wedding reception and maybe the flowers. The mother of the groom was responsible for having a tea to welcome the bride to the family, and all other wedding/reception costs were the responsibility of the mother of the bride.

I have never seen any tradition or etiquette that splits the financial responsibility for a wedding between the parents of the bride, only between the families of the bride and the groom. Is there a traditional split between what each parent of the bride is expected to pay?

I also wondered if there was some split in expected responsibilities between the parents of the bride (i.e., the mother of the bride will manage the food/wedding gown/etc., and the father of the bride will make sure that there's enough port), but I haven't been able to find anything in the etiquette books that makes either distinction.

My fiance and I are planning on paying for our own wedding and have put it off about a year in order to save the required amount. My father did offer to contribute but hasn't given us a figure, so we are budgeting within what we can save on our own.

My father's girlfriend suggested that I get a book of etiquette so that I can see the breakdown between parents, but I haven't found anything that addresses this. So I turn to you. Can you direct me to a source that contains such a breakdown?

It's a little distressing to me that every time my wedding comes up in front of my father, his girlfriend complains about the costs. With anyone else, I would just stop talking about the wedding, but this is my dad! We honestly never asked them for money or even if they might contribute. My dad's offer was made on his own, and I haven't brought it up since.

I'm at a loss for the polite thing to do and completely at sea looking for the financial responsibility breakdown she has requested.

GENTLE READER: As your research indicates, there is no such rule. It never fails to amaze Miss Manners how authoritative and pious some people suddenly become about etiquette when they think they can twist it to serve themselves.

It would be preposterous to dictate the divided financial responsibilities of husband and wife or ex-husband and wife. Even the idea that the bride's family alone gave the wedding referred to a time when the bride was about to transfer total financial dependence on them to the bridegroom. Miss Manners has always taken the approach that the couple and their families should decide among themselves who wants to contribute what, and that it is none of her business to send around invoices. And she can save you the trouble of researching to see what business it is of the father's friend.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: If someone asks you out for a glass of champagne, and you accept, is it OK to say something like, "And if we're hungry afterwards, we can go out for some dinner"? Or is this totally tacky? Be honest.

GENTLE READER: All right: It is. Miss Manners is always honest, but you have challenged her to be blunt as well. You have also challenged your drinks host to feed you. This not only belittles his invitation but denies you the graciousness of asking him out to dinner if, after the champagne, you cannot bear to part with him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wonderful fiance and I live in the Midwest. Our families are on opposite coasts. As we plan our wedding, location has become an issue.

If we marry where we live, everyone will have to travel. We are leaning toward marrying where my family is from because it is much cheaper than both where we live and where his family is from.

When we mentioned this to his family, his mother cited you, saying that destination weddings are tacky and a way to make guests pay for the couple's vacation. She suggested that we have a courthouse ceremony where we live and then have two receptions on either coast.

I was hoping that our wedding would be a chance for both of our families to come together and celebrate. I do not want anyone to be put out because of travel, but I feel that two receptions would look like we are trying to get as many gifts as possible, which is not the case.

My parents have said we should do whatever makes us happy, since we are paying for our wedding. What is the best way to handle this location problem without offending anyone?

GENTLE READER: Yes, everyone should be happy, including the two of you, but then why don't they all live in one place?

Miss Manners sees that you are doing the best you can to accommodate everyone, but still, you must choose a place. The traditional one is the bride's family's home, which seems to be the best compromise. Please tell your mother that that would not make it a "destination wedding," which is defined by being chosen merely for its vacation attractions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-husband is extremely picky (and controlling). He criticizes my daughter for putting ketchup on her plate and dipping her hamburger in to the ketchup. Is this impolite?

I started to research the matter and found many websites with opinions on blogs and such, but he didn't accept it and said to look up Miss Manners for her opinion.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners' opinion is that someone has to control a young lady who dips her hamburger into her ketchup, rather than spreading the ketchup from her plate on the hamburger with a knife. And that both you and she are fortunate to have her father to do it.

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