DEAR MISS MANNERS: I spent the Christmas afternoons of my childhood at the playroom table, drafting and writing thank-you notes, and am currently putting my own children through this ritual. Until this year, they have been reasonably good sports about it, but thanks to a very good friend that has all changed. This year they are actually positive about the experience.

What changed? They received a thank you letter.

Every year, they make or choose (with helpful parental guidance) presents for a number of relations and close friends, for which they are thanked, either in person or by phone. But this year, a friend took the trouble to write each of them a brief but very nice letter of thanks.

It made me wonder why nobody in our family had thought of it sooner. Of course it is easier to understand why you write thank you notes when you have been the recipient of one yourself.

A few of us have agreed to see that each others' children get at least a couple of thank you notes, by way of encouragement. This year, I managed to get my own mother -- who would have seven kinds of fits if the children didn't write her a thank you note, but who had never written one to them -- to do so. The children were thrilled by how much Grammy had clearly liked the presents that they had chosen for her, and pleased with the idea that they could give somebody else the great feeling that a thank you letter can bring.

I can't say that the moment lasted very long, but it lasted long enough to get their letters written, and it's something to build on.

GENTLE READER: Of the various solutions proposed to the widespread no-thanks from-children problem, Miss Manners likes this the best -- and not only because it reminds the etiquette-conscious not to except politeness without practicing it.

Others in desperation have tried sending boxes of writing paper, or even self-addressed, fill-in-the-blanks forms. This does not inspire many children to shout, "Wow! Let's go write some letters!" Parental shame followed by parental cooperation will do it, but parental shame is in short supply among those who haven't already taught such lessons.

Rather, they have been known to repeat the blatantly self-serving canard that true generosity expects no thanks -- as if any religious or ethical system countenances grabbing blessings and running without acknowledging their source.

Miss Manners has always believed that people who ignore their benefactors are (in addition to being rude) unhappy with the benefits, and therefore the kindest reaction is to stop conferring them. But she is not insensible to the argument that this deprives children who have never been taught to thank, rather than the parents who failed to teach gratitude.

So she is especially glad to hear of others' stepping in to support the efforts of parents who are doing the difficult job of teaching gratitude, which requires not only setting out the rules, but imparting a sense of empathy with which we are not born.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have heard of a rule saying that newlyweds should not have overnight guests for one year -- not even parents. I have used three different search engines to try to find this rule but have not been successful.

Do you know of this rule? If so, what is the purpose of it?

GENTLE READER: You will have to ask the people who told you about it, because it does not appear in the annals of etiquette. Miss Manners hopes that the people who falsely declared it a rule are not your recently married children.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We run a Cotillion Club for teens in our city. The boys are required to wear jackets and ties, but we were wondering if it is proper etiquette and acceptable to remove their jacket once the dancing has begun.

We've noticed many boys leaving the dance and their jackets are completely sweated through. Our Board Members are divided on this issue and we really need your expert advice.

GENTLE READER: Turn down the heat.

If you lower the temperature, it is easy to raise it again. If you lower standards, it is not. Miss Manners suggests you consult any business that has tried to do away with Casual Friday or even to limit it to Fridays.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am frequently walking down an aisle in a crowded restaurant or on a deck of a cruise ship, when a waiter is approaching carrying a heavy tray of drinks or dishes.

Should I step aside and let them go by, as they are carrying such a heavy load, or should I continue on and have them step aside? Although I am the guest, their task would appear to be much easier if I let them pass.

GENTLE READER: It would be easier on your clothes, too, Miss Manners would think, if you did not insist that because you are a paying client, you can claim the right to push past an overburdened waiter on a heaving ship.

While it is true that well-trained service people defer to customers, properly trained human beings do not insist on their privileges when these would cause trouble for others.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a party on Christmas at my sister-in-law's house. To my horror, I saw all of the glass, plastic and aluminum going into the regular trash.

I couldn't figure out a polite way, that didn't seem accusatory, of asking them if I could recycle these items. So I secretly snuck all those items into a bag, which I took home to my curbside recycling container.

It would have been counter to my principles to ignore the waste that was going on. But it also seemed rude as a guest at the party to ask about the nonrecycling. Is there a polite way to broach the subject? Simply ignoring it would not be an option for me.

GENTLE READER: Did other guests see you secretly foraging in your sister-inlaw's trash?

Miss Manners trusts that you were not observed slipping out of the house with a large stuffed trash bag, because strangers would not have mistaken you for Santa Claus.

Last question: Can you not think of a better way to serve your ideals than by performing stealth maneuvers with other people's property? Miss Manners can. You could have simply offered to take the trash on your way out, without burdening your hostess with the reason at the time. But as she is your sister-in-law, you could choose another time to present your argument politely and perhaps to ask her if she would like you to give her recycling bins.

But you would have to accept her response, either way. Your beliefs do not cancel her sovereignty in her own household.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is in the academic field. We have a friend/colleague (Mr. Smith), an acknowledged leader in his field who stays with us when in town on the lecture circuit.

My problem is another colleague of my husband's (Joe) who literally worships the ground Mr. Smith walks on. I have no problem with this. Mr. Smith deserves all accolades. I do have a problem with Joe showing up at our house uninvited, staying from breakfast to dinner throughout Mr. Smith's visit.

We never see Joe any other time and this is a good thing. Joe has repeatedly tried to cast aspersions on my husband's work and character over the past 30 years. We don't like Joe.

He totally ignores us the whole time he's at the house except when I offer food or drink. I've invited him to all faculty get-togethers; he never comes. I've tried pointedly to invite him to dinner or lunch or breakfast while Mr. Smith is here, and that doesn't work. I've tried looking surprised and confused when he appears at the door and saying, "I don't remember inviting you for breakfast," but he just says, "Oh, Mr. Smith and I are old friends, I don't need an invitation."

I don't know how to state the obvious without sounding rude. What can be done?

GENTLE READER: What would be rude to say to the stalker would be somewhat amusing and flattering if said to the stalkee.

"I'm afraid that you have a very persistent fan club in our friend Joe," you might say to Mr. Smith. "We thoroughly share his admiration for you, but he does get a bit underfoot, and he doesn't understand about waiting to be invited. I'm wondering if you could drop him a hint about having the fan club meet elsewhere."

While your words have been ineffective, those of the hero himself are bound to be respected. Miss Manners would not be surprised if this brought forth a confession from Mr. Smith that he, too, is tired of his worshiper and was tolerating his constant presence out of politeness to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dad passed away a little over a year ago. Is it appropriate to still wish my mom a happy anniversary on their wedding anniversary date? I avoided it last year because I didn't know what to do.

It's coming up again soon and I am at a loss again. It would have been their 48th anniversary. I don't want to pretend like it didn't happen or that it isn't special anymore because he is gone. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: You seem to think that the words "happy anniversary" are the only ones you can use. And you are right that they do not suit the situation. Still, it is a date that your widowed mother will remember, so you must think of words that do.

At best, this will be a bittersweet occasion for her, and Miss Manners can assure you that the lady would be gratified to know that you shared her feelings -- as long as you don't urge her to be happy about marking it without her husband.

What she will want to hear is that you remember the date, that you are thinking of her, that you miss your father, and that you have happy memories of the two of them.

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