DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is in the academic field. We have a friend/colleague (Mr. Smith), an acknowledged leader in his field who stays with us when in town on the lecture circuit.

My problem is another colleague of my husband's (Joe) who literally worships the ground Mr. Smith walks on. I have no problem with this. Mr. Smith deserves all accolades. I do have a problem with Joe showing up at our house uninvited, staying from breakfast to dinner throughout Mr. Smith's visit.

We never see Joe any other time and this is a good thing. Joe has repeatedly tried to cast aspersions on my husband's work and character over the past 30 years. We don't like Joe.

He totally ignores us the whole time he's at the house except when I offer food or drink. I've invited him to all faculty get-togethers; he never comes. I've tried pointedly to invite him to dinner or lunch or breakfast while Mr. Smith is here, and that doesn't work. I've tried looking surprised and confused when he appears at the door and saying, "I don't remember inviting you for breakfast," but he just says, "Oh, Mr. Smith and I are old friends, I don't need an invitation."

I don't know how to state the obvious without sounding rude. What can be done?

GENTLE READER: What would be rude to say to the stalker would be somewhat amusing and flattering if said to the stalkee.

"I'm afraid that you have a very persistent fan club in our friend Joe," you might say to Mr. Smith. "We thoroughly share his admiration for you, but he does get a bit underfoot, and he doesn't understand about waiting to be invited. I'm wondering if you could drop him a hint about having the fan club meet elsewhere."

While your words have been ineffective, those of the hero himself are bound to be respected. Miss Manners would not be surprised if this brought forth a confession from Mr. Smith that he, too, is tired of his worshiper and was tolerating his constant presence out of politeness to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dad passed away a little over a year ago. Is it appropriate to still wish my mom a happy anniversary on their wedding anniversary date? I avoided it last year because I didn't know what to do.

It's coming up again soon and I am at a loss again. It would have been their 48th anniversary. I don't want to pretend like it didn't happen or that it isn't special anymore because he is gone. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: You seem to think that the words "happy anniversary" are the only ones you can use. And you are right that they do not suit the situation. Still, it is a date that your widowed mother will remember, so you must think of words that do.

At best, this will be a bittersweet occasion for her, and Miss Manners can assure you that the lady would be gratified to know that you shared her feelings -- as long as you don't urge her to be happy about marking it without her husband.

What she will want to hear is that you remember the date, that you are thinking of her, that you miss your father, and that you have happy memories of the two of them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I realize that I am a dinosaur, but I am very confused by these new references to dress. We were invited to a dinner dance beginning at 6:30 p.m. The invitation said "cocktail attire." My husband was dismayed to be the only man in attendance in a tuxedo.

Back in the day, that would certainly have been the proper attire for the event, but clearly we were mistaken. In fact, there were many men there in casual sport coats. The ladies were in everything from suits to elegant long dresses.

I think I have figured out "business attire" but am uncertain about "business casual," and obviously ignorant of "cocktail attire."

We are invited to a 6 p.m. wedding in a church (formal, black-ink invitation), and my husband says he is taking no chances and wearing a dark suit rather than his tuxedo. What is the proper dress, and how does one go about finding out what is customary? I thought I knew!

GENTLE READER: Back in the day when there was a sensible understanding of clothing is so long ago that this entire party seems to have been in a state of confusion. Miss Manners hopes that is of some consolation to your husband.

What the poor hosts meant was that you should dress up, but not to the extent of wearing what is now considered full evening dress.

Oh, dear. Nobody is clear about that term, either.

Let us go back a bit more than you probably intended, about a hundred years. In what was then called society, another term that has become meaningless (and was rather silly even then), people wore evening clothes in the evening. It didn't take a lot of agonizing to figure that one out -- evening, evening clothes; daytime, day clothes -- so no instructions were necessary.

But problems were arising. Evening clothes had meant white tie and tails for gentlemen, and long dresses with low necklines for ladies. But even before the turn of the century, the so-called tuxedo (a word still spurned by the fastidious, who say "dinner jacket") was invented as a tail-less alternative, and more and more young bucks were adopting it. So hosts had to specify white tie, black tie or informal, which meant dark suits for the gentlemen.

Soon to come were the Little Black Dress and -- the cocktail party! Traditionalists were reeling.

But by the mid-20th century, things had more or less settled down. Tails and dinner jackets, known as white tie and black tie respectively, became different degrees of evening formality, so invitations specified which one.

Ladies wore long dresses with either, but because neither they nor the gentlemen should wear evening dress before night, they needed dressy short dresses for that wild new form of entertaining that began in late afternoon, the cocktail party. Nowadays, cocktail parties are not the dashing events they once were, and what people actually wear is their office clothes during the week and sports clothes on the weekend.

Oops, there's another misleading term. "Sports clothes" in this sense are not what one wears to play sports, but tailored trousers and open shirts or sweaters -- or what may be meant by "business casual."

As to that 6 p.m. wedding, your husband is right about wearing a dark suit. If it doesn't say black tie, it isn't.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I keep having this problem, but my wife says I am overreacting, and I want your opinion to settle this.

With recent high-tech advances, people just have too much "good memory" to force upon other people. Last night it really became too much when, at a gathering for about 20 people, my wife simply asked a friend, "How is your granddaughter?" and he pulled out his phone and proceeded to show all the digital photos he has ever collected on his granddaughter. I walked away after 10 minutes, but others stayed to watch, even though I could tell they really did not want to stay but felt obligated to watch. I think people get together to socialize with other people, not to watch "your" show.

Another friend has a habit of bringing his laptop to all the social gatherings to share his vacation photos with us, and he has a story to tell for every single picture that he shows. It usually lasts about one hour each time, and we are all stuck watching his show because his wife makes sure everybody is watching! I got up and went to the bathroom and did not return to watch his vacation pictures.

What do you think? Should there be a time limit for this kind of memory sharing? Or should I force myself to watch even though I have no interest in seeing any of it? My attention span is about 1 minute max.

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners has the patience of an angel, she can't bear this, either. Technology has certainly enhanced the capabilities of world-class bores. And goodness it is hard to stop them once they get going.

She hardly knows for whom she feels more sorry -- you hiding out in the bathroom or your wife stuck watching vacation pictures. Instead of arguing the matter with each other, you need a way to put a polite stop to it. That is to say, "We can't really do this justice now. We'll have to find a time when you can give us the full lecture without all these distractions."

And it is too bad that such a time is too hard to find.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a voicemail from someone obviously calling the wrong number. The caller had a flat tire and was wondering whether the intended called was close by. I checked when the message was left and only five minutes had elapsed since then. What would be the polite thing to do in this sort-of-emergency (flat tire) type situation? Call them back and inform them that they left their message with the wrong number? Or ignore it and assume they realized their error and called the right person?

GENTLE READER: As Good Samaritan deeds go, this one is pretty easy.

Someone is stranded and waiting to be rescued by someone who doesn't know of the trouble.

To help him, you don't have to leave your house. You don't have to run any risk. You have the number right in front of you. Can you explain to Miss Manners why you would dismiss this as a problem that need not concern you?

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