DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper for a lady to button or unbutton her jacket in a business interview?

GENTLE READER: Madam, please! Make your clothing adjustments before you arrive. You would not want to draw attention, in a job interview, to your chest.

But then again, Miss Manners is presuming that you are applying for a respectable job.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: See, I can use someone's preferred title, even when I do not prefer it for myself.

Seriously, though, I am becoming increasingly annoyed of late with my social circle, many of whom insist on addressing me, a thirtysomething unmarried woman, as "Miss" -- a title I associate with small children and genteel ladies of another generation, such as yourself, who prefer it.

It's bad enough when I'm given a choice of how their small children should use "Miss" -- either with my first or last name -- rather than allowed to state my own preference (and always in the children's presence, when an argument would be in bad form); but I loathe it when women, always other women, who know perfectly well what I prefer insist on addressing envelopes to me with "Miss."

If pressed into a choice on conversational address, I will accept the common Southern form of "Miss" with a first name because that is given to women of all ages in the South, regardless of marital status.

But is there anything I can do to make known my dislike for "Miss" on envelopes? I've thought about misaddressing those who know full well what they are doing as "Ms." on social invitations to them. (They, of course, prefer "Mrs." with their first name and last, rather than the correct form of "Mrs." with their husband's full name.)

I might feel better at the moment, and if it is mentioned, I could feign ignorance and say, "Really? Let me write down your preference. Good, got it. Here's how I prefer my invitations addressed."

But would Miss Manners allow it or think this form of social revenge to be rude? I'd appreciate your help in remaining gracious under pressure.

GENTLE READER: You cannot imagine -- evidently -- how weary Miss Manners is of hearing idiosyncratic interpretations of female terms of respect: "It makes me feel old," "It's disrespectful to my husband," "My husband doesn't own me," and so on.

These are courtesy titles, ladies (and no, please don't tell Miss Manners how bad "ladies" makes you feel). They are not intended to characterize you, other than as a female who is due respect.

The trouble is that there are too many of them. Uncharacteristically, etiquette has offered a choice.

Bad idea. It has only led to squabbling when no insults were intended and declarations of feelings when no such outbursts were required.

Funny -- gentlemen just have "Mr.," and yet most of them manage to open their mail without carrying on about how the envelope makes them feel.

You are right that people should address you as you wish to be addressed, and that it is ridiculously complicated to find out, in each case, how that is. So a lot of tolerance is required when people guess wrong.

Chances are that if the message isn't insulting, the address is not meant to be, either.

That's why we prefer standardized etiquette rules, folks.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a long-time Gentle Reader, I am usually loathe to complain about the vagaries and insults of modern life (knowing full well that it does no good, generally), but I herewith tender an observation about the new "seasons."

Those that used to be called spring, summer, fall and winter now seem to have devolved into two "procurement seasons": that of spring and summer graduation and wedding "procurements," and that of Christmas or holiday "procurements."

By this I mean requests for money after having had the gifts already chosen by the recipients or their family members. I was just asked to send a check to cover "my" Christmas gift for a child, the parents having chosen what the child wanted and then dunning the "giver" for the cost.

Of course, I was reassured that a card bearing my name would be placed in the appropriate spot on the package. Comforting, indeed.

Call me old-fashioned, but I do recall a time when it was a pleasure to seek out the perfect gift, and watch the recipient open said gift with what one hoped would be surprise and joy. It would appear this charming ceremony has gone the way of crinoline petticoats and white gloves.

And whilst I am about it, very often the "request" amounts are usually more than the "giver" would have chosen to spend, propelling said unhappy "giver" into penury, or, at the very least, straightened circumstances.

GENTLE READER: You know what? You do not have to comply with this form of extortion. These requests are not binding debts. You may use your own judgment and budget in selecting presents, and if the recipients object, you may consider that they neither understand nor welcome true giving.

What most troubles Miss Manners is that the practice of soliciting funds and prechosen goods is so commonplace that many -- perhaps most -- people now think it is respectable to demand handouts. A once-proud people have become beggars, not from necessity but from greed.

It will only change if people like you (if there are any left, other than you and Miss Manners) refuse to comply with these outrageous demands.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am upset regarding the way someone went about the purchase of a Christmas gift for a supervisor.

My husband's co-worker took it upon herself, without anyone else's knowledge, to purchase a gift for the boss that cost over $500, and then notified the rest of the group that they were expected to contribute $50 each.

I was outraged to find out that she had committed us to that amount with no consultation whatsoever. My concern is for not only myself, but for the other families who were involved that may not have had that amount to give without a second thought.

Although Christmas is a time for giving, I think that everyone's financial situations and preferences should be considered before committing an entire group to that high of a dollar amount. After all, who wants the embarrassment of telling a co-worker that you cannot afford an amount that they have deemed as so "reasonable"?

GENTLE READER: What is unreasonable is for employees to give Christmas presents to their boss. If anyone, it should be the boss giving to the employees, preferably in the form of a year-end bonus.

Miss Manners understands that your husband is reluctant to plead poverty and advises him to enlist colleagues -- they can't all be eager to toddy to the supervisor with an expensive present -- to protest the expense, if not the concept. He can suggest that the instigator either return the present or be entirely responsible for the debt that no one else authorized.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 20-year-old college student with an Internet-savvy mother who loves joining forums and message boards. The other morning, I e-mailed her a picture of my boyfriend's new haircut, which I got off Facebook. She asked for before and after pictures, so I sent her a second, personal photo from my own computer a couple minutes later. That evening, she told me she had posted my boyfriend's pictures on a forum. I was very surprised and asked her not to do that again, but we got in a spat over the etiquette. My mother feels that because the picture had already been posted online, my boyfriend should be aware that the picture is open to the general public no matter what. Besides, she felt because he is part of our family, it shouldn't matter.

I tried to explain that on Facebook, my boyfriend may have been sharing with 10 or 15 real, not virtual, friends via computer. The website is only optionally open to the general public and is very different than sharing with strangers, which is what she was doing.

Am I correct in trying to explain that even though one posts a picture on the Internet and it is "fair game," there is still a matter of etiquette, or am I off base?

GENTLE READER: Yes, you are right, but you should still listen to your mother.

She is right that everything you post online should be considered public. Restrictions are meaningless if anyone in your chosen circle decides to forward anything. Chiefly, you should listen to her warning that nothing you show or tell her should be considered private.

Miss Manners is particularly appalled at your mother's notion that privacy need not be respected in connection with family -- and her even redefining family to include someone who is not actually related.

But you have been warned. Perhaps one day your mother will learn that losing the confidences of her daughter is too high a price to pay for gossip material.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband recently left me and is off pursuing his own happiness (though, I should say, he is very close with our two daughters and sees them regularly). It is the holiday season, and I usually send out a family card to family, close friends and more casual friends.

Should I mention our separation, or forthcoming divorce, in our holiday cards? It seems rather harsh for a casual greeting, but if I sign it with just myself with my daughters, many friends and family will be notified that something significant has changed, but without explanation, which seems more confusing.

I don't want to spoil the happy holiday spirit with my unhappy news, but I am not sure how exactly I "announce" the situation without spreading some gloom.

GENTLE READER: Many would have trouble handling a mixed message such as "Merry Christmas, I'm getting divorced," Miss Manner agrees. It also may not be a good time for you to handle the pity and curiosity that a widespread announcement might evoke -- or, for that matter, the apparent indifference of people who do not respond because they are busy or away.

So what is wrong with a bit of confusion?

If you sign only your name and your daughters', you will alert people in a low-key way that does not seem to demand an immediate response. You could also note that "Jared is now living at..." and give his address.

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