DEAR MISS MANNERS: My future daughter-in-law says that a polite date cuts the lady's meat. I never heard of that. Is it true?

GENTLE READER: Yes, if the lady is under 5 years of age and her date is her father.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an issue with respecting the people that I love the most. I seem to take out my frustrations on them, almost unconsciously.

I don't lash out at them, but more of just an arrogant, short, demeaning tone. This also includes mood changes toward them in certain circumstances and sometimes coming off defensive. I often believe that I do these things when I find myself uncomfortable in a situation.

Nonetheless, this isn't a good characteristic to display, especially toward the ones you love the most. I've tried to pay attention to detail and notice when I'm doing it, but for some reason I overlook it. Could you help me with some suggestions for things that I can do to resolve this?

GENTLE READER: How refreshing for Miss Manners to hear from someone who is not proud of being rude to her intimates. She is more used to hearing people brag that they needn't be polite because they feel free to "be themselves" among those they supposedly love.

By their own admission, then, their "real" selves are a trial to have around. What manners they have are saved for people who don't much matter in their lives.

You, fortunately, have seen the problem here. You could ask someone particularly close to you to shoot you a look when your tone gets offensive, but you then have to promise not to be offended by the signal.

Perhaps it would be enough to remind yourself that the reason many people feel they need not be polite to their relatives and friends is that those people must put up with it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a gentle way to tell a young couple that are visiting at your home that it is very rude to text each other at the dinner table? I don't want to make them mad. The young lady doesn't take criticism well. Please help before one of us says something wrong.

GENTLE READER: "If you two have urgent business to conduct, we'll excuse you."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to bring your own stuffing because you don't like what the host is serving? (The "host" is my daughter, and my boyfriend is the stuffing hater.)

GENTLE READER: Since this is a family dinner, there is a polite way for him to bring stuffing that he likes. All he has to do, Miss Manners begs you to inform him, is to obtain your daughter's permission beforehand to bring it nicely packed inside of a freshly cooked turkey.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are hosting our family Thanksgiving celebration this year for 27 family members. Our niece's daughter's birthday falls several days before the holiday, and she asked if she could bring a dessert (of which my mother-in-law has already agreed to provide various traditional pies) and celebrate her 10-year-old's birthday, piggy-backing on our holiday celebration.

My husband and I find this to be very rude. I have already agreed to provide a warm home, family and, of course, napkins, plates and silverware for the event.

What should have been an appropriate response on my part to graciously decline her idea of piggy-backing on our holiday?

GENTLE READER: When you refer to a warm home, Miss Manners presumes that you mean that you will have the heating system turned on. Resenting recognizing a 10-year-old grand-niece's birthday does not smack of family warmth or Thanksgiving spirit.

You have already planned to have family contributions to your meal and a choice of desserts. Why, pray tell, is adding a child's birthday cake likely to ruin your holiday? Are the children of your family not among the blessings for which you give thanks?

An appropriate response would have been, "How nice."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are expecting our first child. My husband has a very large extended family and large network of friends who don't seem to understand the privacy I need after the birth of the baby.

What is the most polite way to inform family and friends that I will not be accepting visitors at the hospital, nor do I want visitors at home for the first few days after we return?

I don't want to be mean, I don't want to hurt feelings. I am very private, and giving birth, breastfeeding and the natural course of healing is quite private to me.

GENTLE READER: There is no nice way to tell relatives and friends that it is your baby, not theirs; nor is it wise, as they may be your child's wider support system. But that is what a noninvitation sounds like.

Mind you, Miss Manners does not recommend inviting them into the delivery room, or otherwise surrendering a reasonable amount of privacy.

Rather, you should issue them a positive invitation, preferably before they volunteer themselves to visit. This would say something such as, "We are eager to have you meet Rufus Junior. Please call any time after (date by which you feel you will be ready) so we can arrange a visit."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would it be proper to send out announcements announcing the coronation of my daughter being crowned Campus Queen for 2010-2011?

GENTLE READER: Don't the royal heralds do that by marching through the streets and sounding their trumpets to get the attention of the populace?

If they are not available, Miss Manners recommends your slipping a modest sentence into your conversation or correspondence with people who you have good reason to think would care.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am having some neighbors over for the holiday dinner, and the occasion reminded me of a situation that happened at this gathering last year. One of the "merrier" guests broke a wine glass from my wedding crystal set and did not tell me about the mishap.

I only found out months later, when my husband 'fessed up that he knew but had kept her secret because she was embarrassed and wanted to replace the wine glass.

When a replacement was not forthcoming after a few months, he told me, but I never talked to the guest about it.

What are the rules of etiquette surrounding a little accident such as this in someone's home? Does the gracious hostess recognize that guests will break things when entertaining -- so I shouldn't STILL feel bad that she never mentioned it to me personally? Or should I hand her a plastic cup at the door?

If the guest had mentioned it to me, honestly I would have insisted that she NOT replace it. I just felt bad that she didn't feel she could tell me directly.

GENTLE READER: Doesn't your now somewhat-diminished collection of wedding crystal belong to both you and your husband, whoever originally bought it?

You are correct that the guest should confess and offer replacement and that the host should demur, but apparently all that happened between the guest and your husband.

Miss Manners might hesitate to reinvite a guest who had merrily tossed her glass into the fireplace. But accidental breakage is a minor hazard of entertaining -- or, for that matter, of family life. If you are not willing to risk that and bear it graciously, you should be leading an entirely paper-cup life.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend and I have been having a friendly dispute over whether elbows on the table while eating is considered socially acceptable. I claim they are, but she says they aren't.

We agreed to make you the final arbiter on the matter, so any opinion of whether elbows on the table are appropriate under any dining circumstances would be most appreciated.

GENTLE READER: It is a rare pleasure for Miss Manners to be able to settle a friendly dispute by gratifying both contenders. Usually, someone loses, but here she can toss you a bone, as it were.

The lady is correct that elbows on the table during dinner is forbidden. As we used to say, "All joints on the table will be carved." However, if you loll about the table after dinner, leaning forward on your elbows to enjoy conversation is not a crime.

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