DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would it be proper to send out announcements announcing the coronation of my daughter being crowned Campus Queen for 2010-2011?

GENTLE READER: Don't the royal heralds do that by marching through the streets and sounding their trumpets to get the attention of the populace?

If they are not available, Miss Manners recommends your slipping a modest sentence into your conversation or correspondence with people who you have good reason to think would care.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am having some neighbors over for the holiday dinner, and the occasion reminded me of a situation that happened at this gathering last year. One of the "merrier" guests broke a wine glass from my wedding crystal set and did not tell me about the mishap.

I only found out months later, when my husband 'fessed up that he knew but had kept her secret because she was embarrassed and wanted to replace the wine glass.

When a replacement was not forthcoming after a few months, he told me, but I never talked to the guest about it.

What are the rules of etiquette surrounding a little accident such as this in someone's home? Does the gracious hostess recognize that guests will break things when entertaining -- so I shouldn't STILL feel bad that she never mentioned it to me personally? Or should I hand her a plastic cup at the door?

If the guest had mentioned it to me, honestly I would have insisted that she NOT replace it. I just felt bad that she didn't feel she could tell me directly.

GENTLE READER: Doesn't your now somewhat-diminished collection of wedding crystal belong to both you and your husband, whoever originally bought it?

You are correct that the guest should confess and offer replacement and that the host should demur, but apparently all that happened between the guest and your husband.

Miss Manners might hesitate to reinvite a guest who had merrily tossed her glass into the fireplace. But accidental breakage is a minor hazard of entertaining -- or, for that matter, of family life. If you are not willing to risk that and bear it graciously, you should be leading an entirely paper-cup life.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend and I have been having a friendly dispute over whether elbows on the table while eating is considered socially acceptable. I claim they are, but she says they aren't.

We agreed to make you the final arbiter on the matter, so any opinion of whether elbows on the table are appropriate under any dining circumstances would be most appreciated.

GENTLE READER: It is a rare pleasure for Miss Manners to be able to settle a friendly dispute by gratifying both contenders. Usually, someone loses, but here she can toss you a bone, as it were.

The lady is correct that elbows on the table during dinner is forbidden. As we used to say, "All joints on the table will be carved." However, if you loll about the table after dinner, leaning forward on your elbows to enjoy conversation is not a crime.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and I are now old. (Never mind the "elderly" -- we're a couple of old bats.) We have many friends of our generation to whom we write once or twice a year -- holidays, invitations, etc. -- and from whom we may or may not hear. I still have school friends, we have rather distant relatives with whom we are friends, etc., and we'd like to ?nd out if they are still alive.

Most of them have never used the current mysterious method of communication, and when I have e-mailed those who do, I may not get a reply. Somehow, calling a phone number and asking whoever answers if so-and-so is dead sounds a little insensitive. We probably have addresses for them, and we could write. But what should we say?

GENTLE READER: Not "Are you still alive?" That has a decidedly depressing effect.

Miss Manners agrees that failure to use the computer is not necessarily an indication of failure to breathe. But your ability to use it enables you to begin by searching for news of your friends. Their grandchildren may have optimistically put them on a social network that they have never used. Or, less fortunately, you may ?nd obituaries.

Failing either, you write a Christmas or other informal card saying, "I've been thinking of you, and wondering how you are." At the worst, it will be easier for you to hear bad news written by a survivor than to hear the ?at statement "she died" over the telephone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to ask a woman if she is pregnant without offending her if she is not?

GENTLE READER: "Darling, is it possible that you are about to make me a proud father?" Miss Manners warns you that if you are not in a position to put it that way, you must not ask.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I believe your view of manners is based on an appreciation for traditional civility coupled with contemporary realism. To wit, when a bride and groom are homeowners and paying almost entirely for their own wedding, it seems disingenuous (not to mention outdated) for the wedding invitation to be coming from the parents rather than from the folks actually hosting the event.

I should add that I am the mother of the bride, not the bride, and have absolutely no problem not getting top billing. If you agree with this MOB, how would you suggest wording the invitation?

GENTLE READER: Do you mean to say that just because your daughter is 45 years old and the CEO of her own company, you are not sighing and saying, "Imagine! My little girl getting married!"?

In that case, the couple should use the also-traditional heading:

Miss (or Ms.) Ginger Hermione Mulberry and Mr. Godfrey Cody Loughly request the pleasure of your company....

Happy? This is every bit as sanctioned by etiquette as the parental form.

But Miss Manners begs you not to disparage invitations in which a lady of whatever age and means feels she is nevertheless setting out from her parental family to establish a family of her own.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a small town, and each Thanksgiving, I invite all of the singles and people who are "at loose ends" to dinner.

I know that it is old-fashioned to expect an RSVP, so I try not to be disappointed when I don't get one. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, but I am tired of having unexpected guests arrive and having to redo the table settings and worry about whether I have enough wine, so I won't invite any of the non responders or "surprise attendees" next year.

When I fail to invite these people next year and they ask if I'm having the event, what should I say?

GENTLE READER: Old-fashioned to expect people to reply to invitations?

Miss Manners begs your pardon, she -- not scof?aws, however many they may be -- is in charge of deciding when etiquette rules are no longer useful.

Obviously, this rule is crucial to everyone who has the generosity to entertain. If those who abused your hospitality commit the further rudeness of angling for more invitations and perhaps complaining if these are not forthcoming, you should tell them, with a gracious smile, "I didn't hear from you beforehand, so I assume that it was not of great interest to you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are the duties of a divorced father of the groom who does not have a good relationship with the mother of the groom?

GENTLE READER: His chief duty is to pretend, for the duration of the festivities, that he does have a good relationship with the mother of the bridegroom.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a good friend whose husband is unfortunately in the last stages of a terminal disease. When I asked her what I could do to help out (I have already been bringing food, inviting them over, etc.), she replied that when she was widowed, she wanted all of her friends to commit to inviting her to dinner parties at least twice a year.

Part of me admires her for asking for what she really wants, but on the other hand I can't imagine putting people on the spot like this. In the same situation I believe I might tactfully let people know that I was socially available, but not try to obligate them to a certain number of invitations.

We are all in our sixties, and frankly I don't give the number of dinner parties I did ten years ago -- I no longer have the energy. I'm fond of this lady, and want to do the right thing. What is your take on this request from an etiquette point of view?

GENTLE READER: Etiquetteers are used to reading the subtext of what people say and do. In this case, the lady is not angling for food; she is pleading not to be isolated in widowhood.

Granted, her request was awkwardly put. But you need not address the speci?cs if you speak to the underlying meaning. If you take her hand and say, "We treasure your friendship, and you will always be welcome in our house," Miss Manners doubts that the lady will reply, "Wait a minute -- what about dinner?"

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