DEAR MISS MANNERS: My immediate family and our extended family members went out to eat after my daughter won second place (princess) in a county fair competition. My sister was going on and on about how she had picked the girl who won the first place (queen) position.

I thought this was terribly rude and insensitive to my daughter. To us, what she was saying was that she agreed with the judges that my daughter didn't perform well enough to get first place.

I determined that my sister had no idea she was being rude and insensitive, so I decided to ask her a question by making an analogy. I asked her, "Would you be saying this if it were your daughter?"

She got quite indignant, turned her back to me and hasn't spoken to me since. She thinks I was being rude by "involving her daughter"! I was simply making an analogy.

My mother thinks my daughter and I are "too sensitive," which to me is her way of justifying my sister's poor manners. In another setting, I'd have no problem with anyone expressing their opinions on the contest, but certainly not in front of my daughter. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: What does your daughter say?

Disputed claims to the throne, family factions breaking out in public, everyone feeling free to air criticism of her -- now she knows what it is like to be a princess.

Miss Manners didn't care for your sister's comment any more than you did, and she also dislikes the "too sensitive" put-down. But her first thought is how unpleasant it must have been for your daughter to have a luncheon that was supposedly in her honor turn into a family scene.

Your desire to defend your daughter is admirable. But it would have been better to have considered the effect on her feelings, not only of your sister's remark, but of your own. It made an issue of what might have simply passed, and it suggested that you were objecting only on the basis of family loyalty and not because your daughter performed so well.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Yesterday I had lunch with 11 other women. We were seated at a large round table. The waiter put a basket of rolls in the middle of the table.

When I wanted to take a roll, I realized that I could not reach it with my hands, nor could the other women. I used a clean fork and was able to "spear" the roll I wanted quickly. One woman looked at me in disgust and said that my "boarding house reach" was "unladylike" and she found my behavior offensive.

I told her to just get over it. Do you think that what I did was a "no-no" and, if so, how should I have handled it?

GENTLE READER: By asking that lady to pass the butter, please.

Yes-yes, it was a no-no. So is dressing down one's luncheon companions and, for that matter, serving bread that out of reach. If no waiter was in sight to put the basket within reach, your asking whether anyone could pass it would probably have inspired someone -- or permitted yourself -- to stand up and take the basket rather than to go roll-fishing.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend moved in with me and, overall, things have been great. She is a student and was looking for a job in the beginning of summer but she couldn't find anything and took the summer off.

It's not my business if she doesn't want a job; she had a stressful school year and she has money saved away. But I work a couple part-time jobs and I am writing my thesis, and I don't think she is very respectful of my commitments.

I largely work from home, and I see her all day. For most of the summer, I did my fair share of the housework. But I've been getting busier as deadlines approach, and I just don't have the time now. I still do what I can, but I definitely have been shirking some of the chores, and she's been getting upset. However, when she asks me directly, I'll usually cave and stop working to do the chore.

I'm not constantly working -- and it feels even harder to resist if all I'm doing is reading a book for fun or watching TV -- but my schedule is busy enough that if I'm not working, no matter the time of the day, I'm taking a break from work and I'll have to go back to it in a few minutes.

I have a lot of enticement to procrastinate; all my work is large projects, and I don't have much or any oversight. It sometimes seems ridiculous for me to insist I have to work right now for something due in a week and that I can't wash the walls or go to the Laundromat.

However, all these little diversions add up, and I often have trouble jumping back into work. Is it wrong that I would expect her to do the cleaning that she thinks needs to be done, even if she's doing more housework than I am?

GENTLE READER: The person you need to talk to here is not Miss Manners, as if she had some one-size-fits-all formula for dividing household chores or an objective way of knowing the best uses of your and the lady's time.

When adults live together, in whatever capacity, this is something they must settle between themselves. The system of gender division is not yet totally obliterated, but she does not recommend it. Better systems are based on each person's abilities, preferences, other responsibilities and, if they truly respect each other, their quirks.

But that is assuming that each enters the bargaining with good will, and not a determination to do as little as possible.

Miss Manners repeats that she has no way of judging your justification, nor has she heard that of the other person concerned. But she would advise you to open negotiations by volunteering what you are able to contribute, not stating what you feel you cannot do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When invited to someone's home, should the invitee or the inviter be the first to issue a greeting?

Should the first thing the invitee do is make a comment about the flies?

GENTLE READER: Even before the inviter says, "Please shut the door -- you're letting in flies"?

Miss Manners believes that host and guest should both be exclaiming how glad they are to see each other with such enthusiasm that it is impossible to tell which of them began. And "You've got flies!" is not a proper greeting, even if a considerate guest on intimate terms might volunteer later to go after them with a rolled-up magazine.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What spoon do you eat with, a teaspoon or "soup" spoon? I have relatives who are doubtful, and I get teased all the time about this.

GENTLE READER: Please do not take it as adding to your torment when Miss Manners explains that soup spoons are used to eat soup and teaspoons to stir tea.

Flatware is not the etiquette booby-trap that people seem to think. Truly, we only ask that tables be set with the equipment people need to eat the food in front of them without making an undue mess, and that it be laid out in the order in which that food is to be eaten. On the whole, the nomenclature is pretty straightforward.

Perhaps the confusion you experience comes from the scarcity of dessert spoons. An oval soup spoon can easily pass for one, but because teaspoons are sold as an indispensable part of the basic place setting, people who don't give daily tea parties reach for that instead, figuring it must have some use. It would be more sensible to buy a double set of oval spoons for those who want both soup and dessert at the same meal.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been invited to a piano recital to be performed by my boss' 20-year-old son. Though I am casual friends with her, we do not socialize outside of work.

The recital will be held on a Sunday afternoon in her home. It will last 45 minutes and will be followed by light refreshments. Approximately 40 people have been invited.

Are attendees normally expected to bring gifts to such events? If so, what is considered appropriate?

GENTLE READER: Unless the young gentleman is known to be a prodigy, attending an amateur recital is, in itself, a gift. That, and remembering that you are there as a support system, not a music critic.

But for all Miss Manners knows, the young gentleman may be a real musician. You need not bring a present in any case, but if he is, you may wish you had flowers to throw at his feet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been having a problem with gossiping neighbors. Some of the things said would win a celebrity millions in a lawsuit.

I did visit an attorney over suing a person, and he stated that I had a good suit and would win, but the most I could be awarded would be $100, and my legal fees would be in the thousands.

One of the neighbors lives with her mentally challenged brother, who owns the home, which was left for him by their parents.

How should I handle this? I feel as if I need to confront her and put her in her place.

GENTLE READER: But her place is right near your place.

Geographically, this means that it is a poor idea to escalate an already bad situation. You may be sure that a hostile neighbor is not going to fold quietly if you fire back at her.

At the etiquette level, since you have addressed your question to Miss Manners, you put yourself on an equal basis with the rude neighbor. What if she were to bring a suit against you for the things you are tempted to say, and it is only your word that she started it?

The best defense would be, whenever her name is mentioned, to say you feel sorry for her and wonder if she is in need of help.

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