DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I am in the grocery store or a parking lot or some other public place, I often find myself turning around from whatever it is I am doing to find some poor soul standing there, watching me and silently waiting for me to move out of their way.

I am in their way, but I don't know it because I can't see them, and the length of time I have been in their way could have been seconds or minutes, I don't know. I then proceed with an "I'm sorry!" or "Oh! Excuse me!" flushed with embarrassment.

I think it would be good manners for the impeded party to be the first one to politely say "Excuse me," alerting me to their presence so I can let them by. My husband disagrees, saying most people are patient enough. What is the proper way for both parties to proceed?

GENTLE READER: That these people are waiting patiently, rather than using their grocery carts as battering rams to run you down, strikes Miss Manners as quite polite enough.

Yes, they could have asked to be excused. But perhaps they saw you were examining items on a grocery shelf or loading your groceries into your car and kindly decided not to interrupt you in mid-task.

You are right to apologize and to let them through if you are going to take more time. But please save your flushes and embarrassment for greater faults.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it wrong to point out someone's stretch marks and to tell them to use cocoa butter on them in the room with two other people?

GENTLE READER: No doubt there are those who would congratulate themselves on being helpful if they drew attention to what they perceive as a defect in someone and proposed an antidote that is hardly unknown.

If you were the victim of this, Miss Manners commiserates; if you were the perpetrator, please cut it out.

By the way, where did this scene take place that bare tummies were on display? On the beach? In the ladies' locker room?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were invited to a birthday. We were sent a save-the-date card three months in advance. We responded to our RSVP as attending.

We did not attend. My childhood friend's daughter had a graduation the same day, which she, the daughter, personally asked me in person and stated that we must attend, as she and my daughter of the same age are also childhood friends.

Well, the person who invited us bashed us at her party and stated that if we weren't going to go, she could have let the other friends bring their boyfriends after all, whom she didn't even know.

Do I send a gift and letter of apology, which I planned on until I heard her ill-mannered comment in front of numerous people?

GENTLE READER: You are not in a position to complain of other people's bad manners. Explaining why the party is not complete is nothing compared to standing up one's hostess after having accepted an invitation. Miss Manners considers that you owe an abject apology, and you might want to sweeten it with a present.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Tea gatherings are becoming more popular, and I would like to plan a tea party. I have only attended one and would like to learn how to host a very nice experience.

GENTLE READER: Please promise Miss Manners that you are talking about an amiable afternoon social gathering and not about a contentious political movement.

Hitherto in modern American politics the invocation of tea was used without reference to the Boston Tea Party, but, on the contrary, to deplore a lack of contentiousness. If candidates attempted to debate by discussing issues in a civilized way rather than by hurling invectives, some bored commentator would always sneer, "What do they think this is, a tea party?"

And tea is steeped in tradition, as well as history. The Japanese tea ceremony, for instance...

What's that? You just asked for a spot of tea, not a seminar?

Oh. Sorry. But Miss Manners was preparing you for the slow pace that makes tea time so soothing. This is not your gulp-'n'-go beverage.

So -- no tea bags. Loose tea, steeping in a pot with another pot of hot water, so that each cup may be made to the strength desired; and with lemon slices, milk, and sugar cubes for the guests to choose among. Three courses of finger food, all laid out at once: warm breads (ideally scones, with jam and clotted cream, but buttered bread is also good), tea sandwiches (in triangles with the crusts removed) and sweets (cookies, pastries and such).

If your party is not to be large, you should do the pouring yourself, from a small table in your living room. If you are thinking of something not that cozy, the dining room table may be spread with platters of food and with thin china cups and saucers on top of little napkins and plates, and you can ask a friend or two to sit at the table's end and do the pouring, a task that is considered an honor.

Miss Manners cautions you not to treat this as a momentous occasion. There is such a thing as a formal tea, following a wedding ceremony or to honor someone, but the charm of an ordinary tea lies in its flexibility and informality. People come and go, taking as much or little refreshment as they choose, free to make their own conversational groups.

And please do not ever refer to it as "high tea," a phrase beloved of pretentious hotels innocent of the fact that its meaning is the opposite of fancy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A young man I occasionally dated e-mailed me for my home address to send me his wedding announcement for his upcoming marriage.

How do I graciously respond that I am not interested in receiving one, given the fact that I am still a little put out by the fact that he is marrying someone else?

GENTLE READER: By sending him your home address and your congratulations.

Unless, of course, you tell Miss Manners that you have your heart set on providing him with material to amuse his bride by telling her about the bitter lady who is still pining for him.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper seating arrangement in the car on a double date?

My thoughts are the fact the date is "double" is secondary to being a "date," and all rules should be followed accordingly. Ladies should be offered equal or better seating to their date with their date being their primary companion. If this presents physical or communication challenges, a lady may then offer to trade seats.

My husband's family tends to be of the "men up front and women in the back" mentality, which I consider to be redneck and rude. What are the guidelines?

GENTLE READER: Does your husband know that you are going on a date?

Miss Manners is not trying to police your morals here. It makes a difference whether you are talking about couples who are in the courting stage or married couples socializing with each other. (Yes, she has heard of married couples' having "date night," which is very cute. But the idea there is for the two of them to get away from other people, except, if they can't help it, the Secret Service.)

Courting couples would sit as you believe. Long established couples would only sit as your husband's family believes by request of the ladies who want to talk to each other or to avoid masculine conversation. The correct way for them to sit in a car is -- wait, this is going to shock both you and your in-laws -- that each lady sits next to the gentleman who is not her husband.

The idea is not marital flirtation, because for that, each couple can stay home or go out alone. The idea is innocent sociability.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a member of the local YMCA, which has a small steam room in the men's locker room. Often when I enter, it isn't hot enough, so I pour cold water on the sensor to generate more steam. Sometimes I have to do this a few times to get the heat up where I want it.

The other day, when I started to do it the second time, an older man asked me not to because he thought it was hot enough. I tried to explain to him that steam rooms are supposed to be really hot, but he just responded that I should ask the men who were already there when I came in what they wanted. I asked the other guys and they both just said they didn't want to get involved in the argument.

Anyway, I waited until the old guy left before I made more steam, but now I wish I hadn't let him bully me that way.

I am a busy guy and can only make it to the gym on my lunch hour. After my workout, I only have a few minutes left, so I don't have time to sit around for the five or 10 minutes it takes for the steam cycle to kick in, and even when it does, it's not hot enough for me.

In case I run into this rude old guy again, is there some polite but forceful way to tell him that he doesn't own the place?

GENTLE READER: Do you?

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