DEAR MISS MANNERS: My identical twin sister and I try very hard to pursue our own individuality, including dressing differently and having different hairstyles/colors.

However, it is hard for us to overcome our basic genetic makeup, and invariably, when we are out in public, someone will ask "Are you two twins?" Usually, this is a waitperson or salesperson, but sometimes we are actually stopped by complete strangers as we are walking through a restaurant.

We usually respond with a curt "Yes" and go on with our business, to avoid the inevitable follow up questions ("Who's older?" "Did you trick your boyfriends?" "Can your mother tell you apart?"). Yet, we both find this curiosity irrelevant, intrusive and somewhat embarrassing, as though we were a freak of nature.

It has also become quite tedious, as it happens several times during each of our outings.

I realize this ranks low on the spectrum of rude behavior, and I am resigned to having to tolerate it. It is a small price to pay for the wonderful and close relationship I share with my twin. I am only hoping Miss Manners would educate the general public in the common courtesy of not prying into the lives of complete strangers.

Failing that, perhaps you would share a snappy comeback to this tiresome query.

GENTLE READER: Boring is better than snappy in this case. Snappy, if it is not rude, will be intriguing, and lead to more such predictable questions.

You are under no obligation to answer personal questions from strangers, and Miss Manners finds your dismissive reply and refusal to engage permissible. You might also try "We are sisters" or "We're told we look alike."

For decades, she has been begging people not to say the first thing on their minds when they meet others, and yet they go on exclaiming the obvious. So once again: Please, folks, if you see someone who is particularly tall or short, who appears foreign, who has a visible injury or a name that lends itself to jokes -- keep your thoughts to yourself. It is no news to the person in question to say so, and not your business to mention.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Casual acquaintances of ours called and invited to "take" us out for drinks and dinner. We agreed, but were taken back when the bill arrived at our table and the host began dividing up the charges between both couples.

Caught off guard, neither my spouse nor I had enough cash on hand nor a major credit card. When we offered to pick up the tab the next time the four of us dined out together, there was no negotiating with them. We actually had to borrow the keys to their car and drive to the nearest ATM (3 miles). Meanwhile, they enjoyed a second round of dessert and coffee.

I would appreciate your assistance in clarifying the terms to an invitation recently bestowed upon my wife and I. Did I misinterpret the invitation?

GENTLE READER: You were taken, all right.

There is much confusion between invitations to take others out to dinner and suggestions to meet them at mutually chosen restaurants. But the offer to "take" someone out clearly marks the inviter as host.

These people, however, carried their ungraciousness to new lows. Miss Manners is only surprised that they didn't charge you rent for using their car.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a GPS navigator in my car, which I use when I am going to an unfamiliar location. If I have a passenger who claims to know the way, I usually rely on the passenger rather than the GPS, though sometimes this has proved to be a mistake. But when traveling to a place that is unfamiliar to both of us, I use the GPS.

Now it has happened on several occasions, and with different passengers, that while the final destination may be unfamiliar, during some portion of the route, such as getting out of the city or passing through a nearby community, the passenger has argued with the GPS navigator by calling it stupid, asking me why I bought it in the first place, or telling me to throw it out the window.

One person actually sulked for an hour because I took the GPS directions instead of his. Another person told me he would rather get lost than rely on a silly box with a simulated voice.

If I am a passenger in someone else's car, I don't give directions unless I am asked. I feel that most drivers have their favorite ways to travel, and it is not up to me to question their decisions. I would like to know how to respond to people who develop adversarial relationships with my GPS navigator.

GENTLE READER: No etiquette query has yet come to Miss Manners from the GPS lady herself, but with the number of people who love or hate her, it's probably only a matter of time. All that cursing and courting she must endure, while only trying to do her job, must be hard to bear.

As captain of the vehicle, it is your duty to defend her. Miss Manners suggests a gentle: "Please don't be too rough on her. She's had a difficult day. We'll humor her and let her have her way."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dear mama was quite firm in her insistence that a thank you note should never, under any circumstances, begin with the words "Thank you." Rather, it should always start with something along the lines of "How did you know I love diamonds?" or "It was so wonderful to come home from Egypt today and find a package of your famous oatmeal cookies waiting for me!"

I believed my mother (who undoubtedly was instructed by her own mother) and passed the rule on to the next generation, which is passing it on to the newest group of well-bred family members.

Recently, I have been told this simply is not so. That, in fact, it is quite correct (albeit somewhat juvenile, I still think) to begin a thank you note with "Thank you for . . . "

Could it be so? Has the entire family been incorrect all these many generations? And, if so, must I tell my children or can I just keep it a secret?

GENTLE READER: Thank you for pointing this out.

Whoops! Your dear mama was right, as are your ancestors and descendents, at least stylistically. Miss Manners has also made this recommendation.

There is no absolute etiquette prohibition on the letter that begins "Thank you for the..." but it so obviously smacks of being a duty letter, rather than one inspired by enthusiasm, that it lacks the graciousness with which your family is well supplied.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When one signs onto any form of instant messaging and notices via one's contact list that someone else is already online, to whom is the ultimate responsibility to take notice? The person signing on or the person already there?

I take daily comfort from noticing that my brother must be alive and reasonably well as he is online, but he has never, ever, initiated a chat with me by something as simple as "Hi, sis, how are you?"

I get stubborn and decide to wait, and after months, I will break down and initiate a chat with him. He almost always responds and we chat for a bit, exchange pics, news, etc. Then, months later, I break down and do it again.

Am I unreasonable to want him to evince an interest in me?

Also, what about friends who never reply when I initiate a chat? "Hi, how are you?" Nothing. And, then, there is the friend who almost always "hides" that she is online. If I send an off line message, she usually signs in and we chat.

GENTLE READER: Try picturing these people at their computers.

They're working, aren't they?

Well, that's what they claim. As you and Miss Manners suspect, some of them are playing games, some of them are shopping, and some of them are opening their little hearts to strangers.

But at any rate, they are all busy at something, and you are dropping in unannounced, so to speak.

True, the existence of this system invites one to do this, which is why Miss Manners finds it objectionable. Why can't you just take a chance that your friends will answer your offline messages when they are free? Or get in touch with them by other means?

In any case, Miss Manners does think it unreasonable to consider that failing to be ready to drop everything and chat at any time is an indication of callousness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Next year I will be installed as the head of a moderately large, not-for-profit organization. The event takes place at an annual meeting, and there is a cost for the meal associated with that event, usually around $75.

Is there a way to properly announce such an event to people who might be interested in attending while making it clear that there is a cost involved for them?

Some guests I will invite as just that, my guests, and I will be paying their costs for the event, but I can't do this for everyone. The ones coming as my guests will receive a formal invitation, but I'm puzzled about how to invite the others.

GENTLE READER: You are not the one to do it. Let them receive the invitation, with its price list, from your organization.

Miss Manners realizes that social connections are used to make people feel obliged to support one another's activities, and supposes that you will want to include your card, saying that you hope to see them there.

But she urges you not to exert any more pressure than that. It would only make clear -- perhaps, as you fear, after they make the commitment -- that they are not among your real guests.

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