DEAR MISS MANNERS: I belong to a group of families that have raised our children closely. The children are all young adults, in their 20s. We have annual parties for special events such as holidays and graduations.

We often play a mixer game where we all contribute money and the three winners split the pot.

At the last event, hosted in my home, one of the young adults announced at my table she was cheating and demanded that the other three of us do the same to accommodate her.

I initially refused to follow suit, but she insisted. I would have had to stop the game if I further resisted, so reluctantly I went along. I have regretted it since, as I try not to lie or cheat in my own life. She won the game and took one-third of the money.

How should I have handled it at the time? Also, how do I handle it the next time we play?

GENTLE READER: In saloons and casinos, the traditional solution would have been to whip out a pistol and shoot the cheater. However, Miss Manners does not advise this, as it is illegal, immoral and a serious violation of the etiquette of hospitality.

Apparently you plan to invite this person back for the next session. If you are not willing to throw her out of the game -- to say plainly, "I'm sorry, but that is not the way we play" -- then you may as well make over your house to her right now.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were asked to join friends at their home for dinner. The invite was in the form of a one sentence e-mail. I responded one day later saying that we would love to join them and what should I bring?

I never heard back.

The couple lives in the next county, and we have joined them at other dinner parties at their home/farm/estate. Their events usually include many other couples.

I kept looking for a reply, did not know what to do. At 8 p.m., the phone rang and they were looking for us. Apparently, she had responded to my e-mail, but there is no evidence of it. My husband is an engineer and excellent at sorting out computer issues. My e-mail has never received a final reply.

I guess I should of called, but if something had happened that would of not made the evening possible for my friends, I didn't want to make them uncomfortable. We are long time friends, but not that close.

I am sure you will have an opinion. This new age e-mail invite is out-of-the-box for me.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps, but look around the box, and you will find time-honored customs of extending and receiving hospitality.

The invitation did reach you, and you accepted it. If the subsequent exchange was aborted, that still stands. Miss Manners finds implausible your notion that the hosts may have decided to abandon the dinner without informing you.

This leaves you in the wrong about ignoring your commitment. Therefore, you owe the hosts a deep apology. And one to e-mail, as well.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What can I do about friends who spend the bulk of our visits talking about illness?

We are a group of six long-time friends between the ages of 55 and 65 who gather every three months or so to enjoy dinner and conversation together. But ever since Lloyd had heart surgery four years ago, more than half the evening is spent poring over the details of not only his illness, but that of Lois, his wife, and their friends and relatives. Lloyd is a quiet guy, and Lois does most of the talking, with Lloyd chiming in from time to time.

We want to hear what's happening in their lives, including the bad stuff, but not for so much of our evening. We've tried changing the subject to no avail. One couple in the group dropped out because, after several years of this type of visit, they were bummed out.

Would leveling with Lloyd and Lois help or hinder?

GENTLE READER: It would be worse than either. That would lead to a discussion of whether you care about them, which would be even more tedious than hearing about who has gas.

Miss Manners will have to rescue you.

As the same people meet regularly, you can propose little additions to the routine. A useful one, as one ages, is to announce Medical Report early in the evening ("Everyone all right? Any new issues?"). A gentleman of Miss Manners' acquaintance refers to it as Organ Recital.

That way you not only get it over with, but if someone goes on too long, you can say, "Oh, dear, I hope you'll be better soon" and turn to the next person. And if attempts are made to revert to the topic, you can say cheerfully, "Medical Report's over. You'll tell us next time."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a bride and I'm worried that people will turn up to my wedding wearing white.

I want to know the proper etiquette in dealing with such people. Is it appropriate to have the fashion police present to tell people to go back home and change their dress?

I don't think I will be able to deal with anybody that tries to upstage me on the most important day of my life. A lot of time, money and effort has gone into the preparations for this day and I don't want it ruined by people that are rude! I don't want my photos, video or memories tarnished because of someone else's bad manners.

GENTLE READER: Oh, a bouncer to eject anyone who might threaten the supremacy of the bride! Why isn't that a standard role in every wedding party?

Possibly because there are few brides -- at least so Miss Manners hopes -- pathetic enough to fear that they will not be sufficiently noticed at their own weddings and mean enough to anticipate rivals among their own guests.

Guests must be treated with respect, and that includes anyone who may be dressed in white. What would really tarnish your wedding pictures is the sight of you keeping a steely eye out to make sure no one upstages you, instead of gazing lovingly at your bridegroom.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A long-time friend of mine recently told me that she's having IVF. I wish I could give her a big hug and tell her that it will work and she and her husband will have lots of babies. Unfortunately, IVF fails more than it succeeds.

What should I say to her? I want her to know I'm thinking of her, that I hope it works, but that I'll love all her kids, regardless of how they arrive.

She also feels that having IVF is a selfish act, and I'd like to tell her she deserves kids and shouldn't feel guilty about pursuing them (and yet at the same time not imply that it would be a tragedy if she didn't have children).

GENTLE READER: You have the right sentiments, so Miss Manners will restrict herself to pointing out what you should not say under these circumstances.

Do not ask your friend, at any time afterwards, if it succeeded.

This will not be easy. And you can argue that she already confided in you, so it isn't as if you were prying. Naturally, you just want to know the outcome and are ready to sympathize with her if it didn't work.

All the same, you must wait for her to speak. If and when she becomes pregnant, the happy news is hers to announce when she decides to do so. If she does not, she may look to you for sympathy, but she could also not feel like talking about it. Her choice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have a lovely boat. While I was away on vacation, he took a female friend of ours out on the boat to teach her how to run it and then meet up with other friends. This friend has a significant other, but he was not present on that day either.

Although I know that nothing would have happened, I have a problem with it. I just think it was quite inappropriate. He doesn't understand why I would think that, and I can't get him to see my side.

GENTLE READER: What exactly is your side? That you can go off on vacation by yourself and then chastise your husband for having what you acknowledge to be innocent fun while you were away?

Society once believed that any unsupervised lady and gentleman would be bound to be up to no good. In that case, you would have been under high suspicion for going off on vacation -- or even on a business trip -- without your husband.

Society has now found more blatant ways to be scandalized. Miss Manners suggests that you accord your husband the same trust that he accorded you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If you had your own personal letterhead (i.e. not company stationery, but stuff you had made up for your own home/personal use), is there any significance in crossing out your last name when composing a letter?

GENTLE READER: It is done in order to acknowledge that one is on a first name basis with the person addressed.

Oddly, personal paper is often marked with a title, whereas business paper is not -- and you can also draw a diagonal line across it all. Just as well for Miss Manners, who has nothing left anyway when she crosses out her surname and title.

: