DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a small town with acrimonious politics and try to stay out of things, for the most part succeeding.

When I go to vote, however, and am waiting in line, a local woman working as an election judge, with whom I am slightly acquainted, begins skillfully peppering me with personal questions.

Would you suggest a statement that I may use to politely stand my ground and decline the questioning?

GENTLE READER: Try "Oh, dear, aren't there rules against electioneering here?"

Miss Manners is aware that the lady will then protest that she wasn't electioneering -- just being nosy, as it were -- but the question will have grabbed the attention of her colleagues. You can then politely explain, "Oh, but the election is on my mind right now, and I don't want to say anything that would violate the rules."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a young child, my daughter Lauren was best friends with another little girl, Heather, and my wife and I enjoyed her parents as well, so we all socialized often.

As the girls hit middle and high school, Lauren joined the cheerleader squad and began to spend most of her time with that crowd of kids. Heather was not part of that group, and the two girls grew apart, and as that happened, we also spent very little time with her parents. We were always cordial and continued to send Christmas cards and such as that.

At graduation we discovered that Heather had garnered almost every award the school had to offer and also received a scholarship to a very prestigious university to study something like bio-engineering. Lauren was an average student, and she will be attending a local community college next year to prepare for a future four-year school.

Some weeks after graduation, we received a card from Heather's parents. It said: "Congratulations to Lauren on her high school graduation, and to you as her parents. It seems just a minute ago that the girls were flying up from Brownie scouts and now here they are ready to really spread their wings and fly."

I thought the card was fine, but my wife insists that this is a real insult to how we did our job as parents. She has been furious about it and has been on the phone with friends and family planning how she should respond. She's also angry at me because I don't agree with her; she says if I was a woman I'd see this for what it was. So I thought I'd ask you if this was bad or good manners.

GENTLE READER: It is certainly bad manners to take a gracious letter as an insult, gossip to others about this and to plot some sort of return insult.

Miss Manners, who is of the same gender as your wife, is something of an expert at reading subtexts. The one she finds here is that although Heather's parents never complained of her being dropped for the cheerleading crowd and did not brag of her scholastic honors, Lauren's mother is dissatisfied with her own daughter's achievements and resentful of those of someone who was, after all, her daughter's friend and the daughter of friends of her own.

She joins you in begging your wife to stop damaging the reputation of your daughter, who will be presumed to have exhibited envy that inspired the maternal fury.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The subject of self-congratulatory parties came up with a group of friends. We all agree that neither oneself nor one's immediate family are supposed to host a bridal shower, for example. What about a mortgage-burning party?

There are those of us who feel it is self-congratulatory (and gauche) to have such a party and announce it as such. Others disagree. Some thought that hosting a party without announcing the reason or making it "potluck" would be celebration enough and a gift to the guests. What is your standing on the matter?

GENTLE READER: Self-congratulatory parties -- for birthdays, graduations and anniversaries as well as a startling proliferation of wedding and baby showers per person -- seem to be the most common form of entertaining nowadays.

Miss Manners pictures each would-be host thinking what fun it would be to throw a party for friends, and how much more gala to have a guest of honor. And in that case, why not for the person one esteems the most?

Time was when one waited to be honored -- or not -- by friends. That modest demeanor has been trampled over by those impatient to receive such honors, not to mention the presents that they demand to go with them, and distrustful that any arrangements by others would meet their standards.

Mind you, Miss Manners loves celebrations. Those of you who favor telling the guests the occasion at the party itself have the correct solution -- provided they do not ask the guests to bring the refreshments. The mortgage-burning party can be handled in that fashion, as can most birthdays.

But some family milestones do require advance-notice celebration of one's own or one's family milestones.

Births: As you know, showers should never be given by relatives, although Miss Manners has heard of shocking cases where baby showers were actually given by the prospective parents or grandparents. What they can properly give are celebratory parties after a christening or bris.

Birthdays: School-aged children are the nominal hosts of their own birthday parties, presumably to teach them how to be gracious hosts. The fad of parents giving parties for babies is generally indulged if the guests are family intimates or if the baby sleeps through and drinks are served. Major birthdays of adults can be celebrated at parties given by relatives, but should be limited to two for a lifetime (30th and 60th, for example, or 75th and 90th).

But then look what happened: Children who had been unrestrained by the etiquette of hospitality grew up to demand that others throw themselves annual birthday parties, mandating the conditions and expecting the guests to pay.

Weddings: Miss Manners has heard of the same thing happening in connection with weddings: showers and other auxiliary parties that do not originate with friends but are assigned to them by the bride or given by her relatives.

Any other party given by celebrants or their relatives, notably that announcing an engagement, is properly not named as such. As some of you have figured out on your own, the advantage of announcing the occasion when the guests are assembled is not only their gasp of surprise. It is their declaration, "Oh, I wish I'd known; I would have brought a present."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems I am in a constant scandalized state when I am out in public. Women of all ages and sizes seem to proudly display their bra straps or go braless. On top of all that, there seems to be no shame in displaying fat rolls and g-strings. Why aren't they wearing body-appropriate clothing and keeping the undergarments under something? Am I in the wrong or are these "ladies" missing the boat?

GENTLE READER: Actually, that boat has sailed, and why the passengers have boarded, Miss Manners cannot say.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and his wife are having their first child and I have been told that proper etiquette dictates that the grandfather stay away from the child and/or the parents for the first week or two.

The grandmothers are welcome from day one on to indefinitely but not so for Grandpa.

I am married to the epitome of a southern lady, and she has never heard of such a thing. Please give me your opinion on when Grandpa is welcome.

GENTLE READER: Sir, Miss Manners is afraid that this is a family problem, not an etiquette one. There is no etiquette rule, one way or the other, regarding the visits of grandparents. This one seems to have been created in your honor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can I politely decline an invitation from a couple with whom my husband and I are fairly good friends? They invited us to join them for a weekend trip, and when my husband and I expressed interest in joining them, they mentioned at the last minute that they intended to bring along their children.

Now, my husband and I like children, but we cannot bear the thought of spending a weekend in close quarters with these particular ones. They are completely out of control, and a weekend with them would result in nonstop shrieking, breaking objects and general chaos. When we tentatively accepted the invite, there was talk of a babysitter, and we had assumed that this would be an adults-only event.

How can we politely decline this kind invitation without revealing our feelings about our friends' children (and thus, risking both hurt feelings and a broken friendship)?

GENTLE READER: Is there any elective surgery that you have been putting off? Because if they made definite arrangements to go with you, perhaps with some expense and not enough time to invite others, that is your only hope.

But Miss Manners notices that you merely say that you "expressed interest" and that the problem is how to decline, rather than how to back out.

In that case, apologies are needed, rather than excuses, especially not the excuse that you can't tolerate their children. If you carry on enough about how sorry you are to miss the trip, how you want to hear all about it when they are return, and so on, you need not go beyond saying that something has come up.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate wedding attire for a 4:30 p.m. wedding at a church? Does it matter that the bridesmaids are wearing black?

GENTLE READER: That will be convenient if the wedding party is going to a funeral immediately afterward. Miss Manners assures you that pastel dresses, and not black, white or red are proper ladies' attire for afternoon weddings.

: