DEAR MISS MANNERS: Most outdoor events during the summer are pretty informal -- backyard cook-outs, swim parties, and so on -- and swatting at mosquitoes is part of the atmosphere. But what about formal events?

I know almost everyone at the swim parties I go to, and it's not a problem to wave mosquitoes away or even try to swat them when they land (with permission, of course).

At a wedding, I only know people on one side of the aisle, and I have a faint worry that, much like unexpected personal noises, mosquitoes are to be totally ignored during formal occasions. Or one is only permitted a slight twitch in an attempt to dislodge any that land but not warn others of a mosquito in their vicinity.

GENTLE READER: You ask mosquitoes for permission before swatting them? And here Miss Manners thought she was considerate of others.

However, your killing technique may need some refining.

No doubt you and your friends have a merry time running about at swim parties and cook-outs, wielding rolled up copies of The Economist, or whatever you use for mashing mosquitoes.

But there is something between that and surrendering to victim-hood. You don't want to create commotion at a wedding to the point where the officiant looks up, thinking someone is objecting to what he is joining together.

But neither do you want to disrupt the reception by spilling your champagne everywhere as you rush to scratch an itch.

Barehanded murder is what Miss Manners recommends. If a mosquito lands on you, squash it. If it's just flitting around in the air, hold your fire.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've kept close touch with an old classmate via e-mail and was made an honorary godfather of his daughter 26 years ago. I have never seen or spoken to her ever. This goddaughter had the audacity to e-mail me requesting if I could get her an iPhone, as she needs it at work and can't afford it at this time.

I was planning to give her a nice gift this year, but it was nothing in the price range of an iPhone. Should I give in to her request or just ignore her request and give her something more affordable? How should I write her a letter that I can't give her an iPhone without hurting her feelings?

GENTLE READER: Her feelings do not sound like what Miss Manners would call delicate.

As a godfather, you should show an interest in her, but you are also in a position to give her advice. You might write her a genial letter, asking about her job, whether she likes it, what her plans are for the future and so on. In it, you could advise her that if the telephone is truly essential to the performance of her job, she should ask her employer to supply it.

If you get a friendly letter back, you may be able to establish a relationship that would justify your continuing to send presents that you can afford. If not, the tie seems to have run its course.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm afraid I often encourage nimrods who are ranting (parroting) Hate Radio. I'm one of the few people in existence who actually listens when others talk. And when listening, one occasionally grunts "Uh huh" to show we're still there.

Unfortunately, "Uh huh" can convey both "I hear you" and "I agree." I certainly don't agree, but I wonder if there's some other noise one can make that simply registers, "I heard." Perhaps you can suggest some noise. One that's even shaded toward, "For the love of God, have you listened to yourself?" "You're spouting blither, you fool!" would be even better.

Occasionally, I get irked that I'm used as a sounding board, since what's transpiring is in no way a "conversation," but that's another topic. Who said, "A bore deprives you of solitude while denying you company"?

GENTLE READER: The word for which you are searching is "Really?" Miss Manners asks you to please note the question mark, which indicates a polite form of skepticism, but, if said gently, is interpreted merely as encouragement to continue ranting, rendering it polite if also self-sacrificing.

But that is only one service that this useful little word can perform. If rendered as "Well, RE-a-lly!" it can express mild indignation. A flat "Oh, really" is a sign that one's attention is wandering.

Yet the beauty of "really" is that it is almost never perceived as an insult. Possibly because, as you have observed, bores tend not to listen to others.

And the answer to your other question is Giovanni Vincenzo Gravina, the 17th- to 18th-century literary figure and jurist.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I no longer enjoy my job and am currently looking for employment elsewhere. However, because I hate my job, due in very large part to my coworkers, I may give my notice before I have a different job.

Considering I do the lion's share of the work in my department, and everyone makes light comments about how the other girl always gets out of working (ha, ha isn't that hilarious), I just know I may have to give my two weeks one day when I simply have had enough!

The problem is that from the time I resign until I finally walk out for the last time, everyone will want to know why and also what I will be doing.

If I have a job, it's no problem. But if not, I am afraid I'll say something very true that will also be rude. So, I was wondering if you could suggest some answer that is polite and that I can practice so that I don't say it in the tone I'm probably thinking it in.

GENTLE READER: Good; let's work on tone.

What you will have to say is, "I haven't quite decided" or "I can't talk about it yet." But Miss Manners can hear the tone in your head: a fine mixture of bitterness, anger and self-pity conveying, "All right, you horrid people, you've driven me away, and I don't even know where my next job is coming from."

As you have guessed, this will not shame them. It will only make them decide that you had "problems" -- meaning other than themselves.

The tone you need to develop is one of barely suppressed excitement and satisfaction. You might practice saying the necessary statements while thinking how you would say it if you had a White House appointment that you were not allowed to discuss before the president announced it.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a box for a popular outdoor concert venue every summer. Last season, we invited my husband's boss and his wife to join us for the finale.

They did, and we had a wonderful time, although, they had gone through four bottles of wine before intermission! The venue allows people to bring picnics and wine, but I thought four was a little much. But they were perfectly behaved, so I didn't think much of it.

However, when we invited them again this year, they brought six bottles so they wouldn't run out. Well, during the second act, they were talking so loud, and causing so much of a commotion, that two other boxes asked us to be quiet during the concert. I was greatly embarrassed, because our guests truly were behaving badly by disrupting the concert, and we know these other patrons, as we see them all summer.

How do we politely get out of inviting them next year? Unfortunately, before the concert started, my husband told them what a wonderful tradition having them come to the finale is. "We should do this every year!"

What do I do if it comes up again? I really don't want to take them.

GENTLE READER: Wait -- did they each consume three bottles of wine before intermission? And you know from last time that four bottles did not affect them -- and this time, six only made them loud?

Oh, my.

But the good news is that their memories may not be as clear as you fear. At any rate, Miss Manners advises you to act on that assumption.

Well in advance of next year's concerts, start filling up your box. You, not your husband, so that if his boss brings it up, he can report, apologetically, that you have gone ahead and invited people.

You say nothing of you or your husband's having a nip, but another symptom of drink, besides boisterousness and various physical problems, is an exaggerated sense of warmth and hospitality, even, apparently, to one's boss.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was married about 10 months ago. Occasionally, I will see someone socially who has not yet given us a wedding gift. Often, they will say, "Oh! I haven't gotten you a wedding present yet, what do you still need?" or they will simply ask, "Did I ever get you a present?"

I appreciate that these guests are still thinking about this, but I'm not really sure how to respond. I was taught my whole life that the appropriate response is, "Oh, you needn't get me anything at all, your presence was the only gift we needed." However, I am finding more and more people are starting to take these words at face value, and to be perfectly frank, while I don't expect gifts, I certainly do appreciate receiving them. Of course it is unthinkable for me to dictate what a person should purchase, or to tell them flat out that they did not send a gift, so I'm really baffled. What is the correct response?

GENTLE READER: "Oh, you have such marvelous taste, I'm sure we'll love anything you choose."

: