DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 26-year-old man living near my family, with whom I have very close relationships. This often brings me into contact with their friends, many of whom I have never met or are acquaintances at best.

What is a polite way for me, as an openly gay man, to address their questions about girlfriends or girls I'm dating?

I've been "out of the closet" for years and feel it is appropriate to be known for who I am. I've been accused of "pushing an agenda," which annoys me, because I've never proceeded with these people to divisive topics like gay equality. I've also never told children (of friends, cousins, etc.) of my sexuality when asked similar questions, as I assume most people would appreciate my discretion in these instances.

It is important to me, and all gay people, that I live an honest and open life. But I feel at times that people interpret my honesty as unnecessary and intentionally inappropriate.

GENTLE READER: People you hardly know are asking about your love life and then accusing you of being pushy if you respond?

Miss Manners sees this as yet another reason, among many, not to attempt to satisfy busybodies. Such people think of themselves as showing a commendable interest in others, but the interest nearly always turns out to be in critiquing the way others lead their lives.

And it is amazing how many people think that a charming conversation opener with the younger generation is "So, are you seeing anyone?" or the ever-popular "Why aren't you married?"

Generally, the response from those who are nice enough not to return this rudeness in kind is to answer vaguely ("Not at the moment" or "Haven't met the right person") and then to change the subject -- or, better yet, to escape.

But Miss Manners would hardly blame you for giving matter-of-fact answers ("Yes, I have a boyfriend" or "I haven't met the right man") followed by "But enough about me -- tell me about yourself."

Should there be shock, complaints or further questions, your response should be, "But didn't you just ask me?" followed by the all-important change-of-subject.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend of many years had her best friend of many years' husband's mother die. The funeral was on a warm day. I wore a short-sleeved dress shirt and nice cotton pants.

She complained that it was not proper to wear expensive boat shoes without socks for this solemn time. I should have worn socks. She had a three-quarter-length dress and wore flip-flops, which I said definitely was not proper for the circumstances. She said because they were fancy and not cheap flip-flops, they were OK. She has also worn flip-flops for other functions.

GENTLE READER: Was either of you paying attention to the service rather than each other's feet? Just asking.

A funeral is indeed a formal occasion, and both of you were shod for leisure sport. Miss Manners suggests you call it a draw and resolve to make a greater effort if you must attend another funeral. Dressing formally and somberly is the symbolic way of acknowledging the occasion as something more than an obligatory stop on your way to the more entertaining part of your day.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was walking across a beach, sunny, lots of people around. Ahead of me, to one side, was a pretty girl walking on a course at right angles to my course. It became apparent that if we continued walking at the same rate, we would run into each other; one or both of us had to pause or change our course.

My instinct was to slow down, allowing her to pass ahead of me. I did that, and everything was fine.

Then, I thought, this allowed me to be just behind her, to stare appreciatively at her backside, and she couldn't see me or what I was doing unless she turned around.

Would she have preferred me to go ahead so she could have kept me in her range of vision?

Of course, on this public beach it was not really a problem. But what about in a parking lot, perhaps in the evening with poor lighting, and she was carrying a purse?

You can imagine many situations where our teaching is to let the lady go ahead, but in reality maybe she doesn't want a strange man behind her. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That you should stop staring at that young lady, even if it is a public beach. Beaches are wide, and you needn't have dogged her footsteps.

That you especially should not do so in a dark parking lot, Miss Manners agrees. But the "ladies first" rule, while decorous in social life, does not apply in parking lots. Did you keep your car to one side allowing ladies who had arrived after you to enter the lot first?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My college friend and bridesmaid has spontaneously decided to run for a political office with virtually no experience in the field. She expects me to donate financially.

I am currently a homemaker with one child and two on the way. Although my husband and I can afford it, it quite frankly isn't something that I want to prioritize in our lengthy budget.

I love my friend but am somewhat offended that she asked me to send her money and turned down my alternative ways of supporting her.

(By the way, she has no husband, children, or other bills that I am aware of. She also would not represent my district, as we live in different states.) How would you suggest I proceed?

GENTLE READER: Not by a discussion of your finances or hers, which could get ugly. You have noted that you could afford to give, and few politicians can afford to finance their own campaigns.

The simplest thing would be to give a token donation, although Miss Manners can understand if you do not want to yield at all to pressure. In that case, she suggests writing an affectionate and supportive letter, reiterating your offers of alternative support (if still practical) and wishing her well, but not mentioning or enclosing money.

If she does not let it go at that to retain you as an ally, she is not cut out to be a politician.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee and I are fortunate to have a lovely group of friends with whom we socialize regularly. We all get along fabulously and more often than not have a rollicking good time.

Coincidentally, although we all live in New England, I am the only American citizen in the group. Among them are Middle Easterners, Britons, Caribbean Islanders and Australians. They are here for various reasons but all, except my fiancee, intend to go home eventually.

Now, it is a hobby of mine to read and think long and hard about what America means -- I study America the way some study their Bible -- and normally would love nothing more than an animated discussion on the subject.

For a while, the only complaint I had was how I fit in so well with them because I was not a "typical" American -- which I received in the complimentary spirit it was intended but took, in my heart, to be a backhanded compliment at best.

But now I find myself sitting through marathon gripe sessions about America as International Bad Guy, with no opening for examination as to why and how we wound up where we are, no room for back and forth about whether it is really all that bad.

Worse, they expect me to agree with them, which I cannot bring myself to do, even for the sake of international dinner-table harmony. I've tried to probe by asking why someone feels a certain way, but this was seen as either an attack or a display of such total blind-American ignorance, and resulted in such shocked looks, that I've not repeated the performance.

Comments along the lines of "Isn't it nice that we live in a place where we can shout such opinions from the rooftops" have occurred to me, but I'm afraid they would be a bit too cliche and contentious.

I would much prefer to open up the discussion than to close it down. Can you offer a better solution, Miss Manners? These discussions occur more often than not around my own dinner table. Should my response be dictated by where we are? I'm beginning to feel increasingly uncomfortable around my friends.

GENTLE READER: While they are feeling perfectly comfortable insulting your nationality and the country they are visiting, without even feeling the need to explain why.

Time to turn the table.

Not by insulting them or their countries, Miss Manners hastens to add. These are your friends, often also your guests, who had reasons for coming to America. Probably they are just grousing, as people do wherever they are, and indulging in the ugly presumption that it is all right to degrade America to Americans, a surprising number of whom do not take offense.

What you should do is to find other occasions -- not when America is under discussion -- to get them started talking about their own countries. Are they happy with the government, and its foreign policy? Can it take criticism? Does it provide opportunities to make the most of oneself? And are most people there interesting and polite?

Miss Manners feels sure that you will be supplied with ample material for saying "But I thought you said that at home...?" when they complain about the United States.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper for a young lady to brush her teeth in the presence of a young man?

GENTLE READER: Only if an improper act preceded it.

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