DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a woman is dating a man and he expresses great interest in her but tells her that she must also meet his girlfriend, what does this imply?

If this same woman (me) tells this man that the only way we can be together is to be monogamous, otherwise uninterested, and this man continues to pursue this woman, how do you suggest the woman respond?

If this same man then marries the girlfriend and continues to pursue this woman, what do you suggest, in the management of such an uncomfortable scenario?

I called the girlfriend/wife to be, to try to talk to her about the truth, and she did not want to hear reality. Was this the right thing to do?

She only laughed and then aggressively abused all my privacy rights in a failed effort to defame my character. She has caused nothing but trouble for me and my family. It appeared that she was, and continues to live, in complete denial.

I thought trying to talk to her was the right thing to do. I wanted to talk to her about the circumstances and work out a reasonable solution. I know if I were about to marry and a woman I knew wanted to politely chat about his behavior patterns, I would certainly want to listen.

In retrospect, what might I have done differently to result in better relations?

GENTLE READER: Since you mention retrospection, why don't you wind back to when you said that you were not interested in someone who had another romantic attachment?

How did you get from there into taking such a strong interest in the other lady's happiness as to force your unwelcome confidences on her? Or, for that matter, to characterizing another as being in denial and accusing her of invading your privacy?

What you might have done differently was to walk away from the first bizarre suggestion of a triangle. But Miss Manners has the strange feeling that you are no longer listening to her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am hosting my child's birthday party at a location where the cost is determined by the number of children attending. I sent invitations home to each child in my son's class with the classmate listed on the envelope as the invitee.

A mother who I do not know well contacted me and asked if it was OK with me if she brought her other two children with the invited child and indicated they cannot attend at all if all three children do not come.

I have reservations about this because of the additional cost and also because of the age difference between the siblings and my son's classmates, which I think would affect the atmosphere. She has offered to pay for the siblings.

What would be a polite response to this request? Should I accept her offer of payment?

GENTLE READER: No, because you would put yourself in the position of selling places on your guest list.

But you needn't accept additional guests. Miss Manners is guessing that this mother is hoping to have free time while you watch all her children, which is unfeasible while you are supervising a party. Or perhaps she has an unwise policy that the three must always include one another, which is unfortunate for their social lives.

All you can do is to say, "No, I'm afraid we're only having Timothy's classmates. But I know they will all be very sorry not to see Sean there."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I minored in French in college and still remember some of it. I live in California and interact only with strict anglophones. Sometimes when they e-mail me invitations, they say "please RSVP."

Is it polite to e-mail them back and say, "FYI, please RSVP means please respond please. RSVP is French."

Most of them have no idea what RSVP stands for, exactly what it means, nor that is in French.

GENTLE READER: Let us suppose that someone who speaks beautiful French were to ask you what "FYI" meant. Would you take that same tone?

"For your information, FYI means 'for your information.' FYI is English."

A mite patronizing?

Miss Manners points this out only because you asked. In contrast, your would-be hosts are not asking for instruction; they are asking whether you are accepting or declining. They do not deserve to have their invitations treated like term papers.

That said, Miss Manners finds it strange that we still use the French abbreviation, a relic from the time that French was thought to be the common language of western society. It no longer is.

Therefore, she much prefers that such a request be a plain "Please respond" or, in the case of formal invitations, "The favor of a response is requested." For an American even to use the British spelling, "favour," strikes her as an unwarranted surrender of our native tongue.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A restaurant where we dine folds the napkins in such a way that they can be used as an alligator hand puppet. Most tables are set for four, and there are only three of us including my daughter, so after properly placing our napkins in our laps after we sit down, there is still an extra napkin begging to be used as a puppet.

Since there is no rule (that I know of) specifically forbidding the use of spare napkins as alligator puppets, and since we have correctly followed all napkin rules by placing our designated napkins in our laps, I believe that using spare napkins for entertainment purposes is fine. Although my wife cannot cite a specific offense, she still thinks we shouldn't do it just because it is unusual and out of the ordinary.

Can you please share your opinion on this matter?

GENTLE READER: It is that the restaurant has created what Miss Manners believes is legally known as an attractive nuisance, and, not having cleared the unused place setting, could not expect you to resist the puppet's begging to be used.

However, if the puppet starts eating from people's plates, she will have considered that you went too far.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have been married 49 years, with very few cross words between us. Last night I had a dream where my wife severely criticized the way I was removing decorative pillows from the bed. I, in turn, said some very unkind words to her.

Do I owe her an apology or does she owe me one?

GENTLE READER: If you woke your wife up to tell her about it, you owe her an apology. If you did not, you owe Miss Manners an apology for thinking that she would steal upon you in the night and critique your dreams.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am so flabbergasted by this I had to write. Have you ever heard of a grandmother shower? And what do you think of it? (Although I'm pretty sure I know what your answer will be.)

My friend works in an office, and a co-worker's daughter is having a baby. Another co-worker organized a "Grandmother Shower" to celebrate the birth and invited all the women in the office to attend. The party is being held at the office, and the invitation was issued via company e-mail.

Included in the invitation was a line noting that the expectant mother is registered at a particular store. Most, if not all, of the people in the office have never even met the expectant mother, and she will be in attendance at the shower collecting gifts.

I have never heard of such a thing, and to me it seems like a crass grab for gifts. Plus, I find it highly inappropriate to have it in the office, making people feel obligated to go.

P.S. This is not the first time this has happened, and there has also been a recent invitation to a great-grandmother shower.

GENTLE READER: Well, then, you have heard of such a thing.

And, indeed, so has Miss Manners of late. This is only one of several innovations in what is still called entertaining that have caught on in the last decade or so -- types of celebrations and little routines within parties.

Strangely enough, they all have one thing in common: acquisitions. Some publish gift-registry choices, and others require cash donations, but the theme is always getting stuff from guests.

To minimize the outlay, guests are often asked to bring the refreshments or to pay for their own meals at restaurants, or, in the case of the invention of the virtual party, not to attend at all. Sadly, true socializing is being replaced by personal fund-raising.

Baby showers are intended to be for friends who are actually having babies. A co-worker producing her daughter or granddaughter to collect goods from strangers is indeed a bald grab, devoid of friendship.

If people would resist being pressured into cooperating with such travesties of social life, these might disappear. Miss Manners recommends your merely wishing the expectant mother well on your way to your desk or out to lunch.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father is dying of cancer, and he would like his grandchildren to be his pallbearers. There are two girls as grandchildren and he would like for them to be included.

They say it should just be the boys. What is the proper etiquette for this?

GENTLE READER: Who is it who dares to deny your father his dying wish?

Not the girls themselves, Miss Manners trusts. Nor anyone with a true sense of etiquette, which has come around to recognizing that gender is no longer the paramount factor in relationships. Your father wants to be attended by his grandchildren, and no such anachronistic distinctions should prevent this.

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