DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is putting on a birthday party for me. I will be turning 57.

His sister has taken up the art of hand sculpting huge birthday cakes. She has been mastering the art of making huge, 3-foot-tall penises. She recently presented one to her mother-in-law for her birthday.

Needless to say, it didn't go over very well. She is very proud of herself and takes this cake-making business seriously. I have just found out that my husband has ordered a cake from her for my birthday.

I think she is grotesque, rude and out of line with these cakes. I am mortified that she might make the same penis cake for me.

How should I react? With disgust and asking her to leave? Or thanking her and putting a large garbage bag over it and offering it to her to take home?

I have told my husband I would be totally offended if I was presented with a cake like that as a surprise. He says don't worry about it. I'm sure she won't do it. But I know she will.

Please tell me what to say.

GENTLE READER: Say "Thank you," whisk it into the kitchen, slice it in small pieces and serve it on a platter. Just please don't describe the slicing to Miss Manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 21 years old, and this summer I will be matriculating into medical school. As such, I find myself among the Southern landed gentry, many of my classmates being the sons of doctors or otherwise coming from wealthy families.

As a graduating gift, my grandparents have been generous enough to purchase me my own personalized stationery. But before I do so, I want to make sure that I am ordering what is appropriate and in good taste, since I will probably not be able to afford another copperplate for some time. I have decided that I want an embossed heading, but I am unsure as to what it should include.

Please note that this stationery would be used for personal correspondence only. Furthermore, I will be attending residency to further my education, and my scholarship for medical school is through the Army, so I will not have a permanent address for some time.

GENTLE READER: That you plan to write real letters, on paper with ink, delights Miss Manners, who thought she was the only one left doing this. The key question concerning taste is whom you will be writing.

You will be shown all sorts of fanciful colors and styles, and urged to make your choice only on the basis of self expression, even if it results in turquoise paper with yellow lettering.

That would be all very well if you were to use the paper for little notes to close friends, but that function has been taken over by e-mail and texting. Miss Manners is guessing that you will be reserving it for serious letters of thanks, congratulations and condolences.

Serious paper is white or ecru, with engraving in black, gray or dark blue. It can be headed by one's full name (traditionally including honorific, which is not properly used on business paper) with or without an address, or by a monogram.

Because your address and title will change, a monogram would be the most enduring.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at a loss about what to say to our very nosy librarian. No matter what books you are checking out, she reads the titles (often out loud and at a high volume so everyone else in the library can hear) and then comments on your selections.

Examples: My husband works in health care and checked out some books on a private and potentially embarrassing disease to help put together a brochure for his clinic. This woman read the titles and asked him (in a very loud voice) if he had the disease!

Another time, I checked out a name book. I'm working on writing a novel and needed some ideas for my characters. The librarian read the titles and shrieked, "Are you pregnant?! It's too soon for you to be having another baby!" (I was holding my infant son at the time.)

I wasn't pregnant, but can you imagine if I was? What business is it of hers how close together my children are spaced? Not to mention the fact that, generally, there is a hierarchy to announcing a pregnancy (tell the spouse, other children, grandparents, etc.), and "librarian" doesn't fall on that list.

We live in a very small town with limited library hours, so I can't just avoid going when she is working because she's always there. How do I tell this woman I don't appreciate her nosiness without being rude?

GENTLE READER: The way to get to a librarian is to imply that a profession requiring technologically sophisticated researching skills is solely populated by cranky old ladies whose only pleasure in life is to shhh people.

Oh, and a few inhibited young ladies who could find love if only they would remove their glasses.

Miss Manners suggests combining the two offensive images by responding to all comments and questions solely by giving the librarian one of those sweetly vague, nearsighted looks and a regretful smile, and putting the forefinger vertically across your lips. Repeat as often as necessary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I invite one of my friends for lunch or dinner, she always asks, "What are you having?"

She then tells me she wants to know so she can bring something to go with the meal. I usually tell her not to bring anything but herself.

By asking me what I am serving, I am made to feel that if what I serve isn't good enough, she and her husband might cancel. Am I being too sensitive here? Sometimes I don't even know what I feel like serving.

GENTLE READER: If your friend has already accepted your invitation and is asking about the menu because she wants to contribute to the meal, it is a legitimate question, although Miss Manners believes you to be quite right in declining this.

There is nothing wrong with your replying that you haven't yet decided.

However, if she asks about the food -- or worse, the other guests -- before accepting, you might be right in thinking she is hedging. But you could reply, "Why? Is there something you can't eat?" or "Why? Is there someone you can't stand?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately, I cannot tell whether I am being invited to a wedding or just being informed of one.

I was told of a nephew's engagement in person; I was sent an e-mail with the date of the wedding, and that a website was coming soon -- no other information; later, I was sent a "link" to their wedding webpage, which described where the wedding was to be held (the Caribbean), which resort to book, which airport to fly into, and urged me to reserve early for "the best price"; I received a follow-up e-mail listing in detail which people had booked their rooms, and/or airfare and/or signed up for activities at the resort, and who had not; and most recently, I received an e-mail from the engaged couple informing me that in lieu of wedding gifts, they wanted cash to pay for "experiences" during their honeymoon and were signed up at a website to make donating easier for me.

In none of these communications were the words "You Are Cordially Invited..." or anything similar. I have received nothing in the mail, and do not anticipate it -- the date is only three months away, and all previous communication was by e-mail; granted, something can be said for saving paper by sending "e-vites," but I digress.

In my mind, I haven't been asked to join the couple to celebrate their union. I think registries are inappropriate as it is, and always give a gift of my choosing, rude as that makes me. But then, why should I send a gift if it will go unacknowledged, as many of my recent gifts have?

I know, because I love my nephew, not to beg thanks; but it is nice to know whether it was received or not, whether they can pretend to like it; I'll just continue to assume they didn't like my gifts -- again, I digress.

Have I been invited? Even if I have been, I have no intention of going. I find destination weddings even more inappropriate than registries.

GENTLE READER: But you are still likely to receive an actual paper invitation to this one. You may not consider this good news.

Miss Manners hardly blames you for being confused by the deluge of material you have already received, but it isn't over yet. Real wedding invitations are sent out only four to six weeks before the date because it is not nice to pin people down months and months in advance, before they have had the chance to make other engagements.

Many people erroneously believe that an advance warning, usually referred to as "save the date" card, does just that. They become desperate to make excuses for weddings they do not wish to attend. But such warnings do not obligate the guest to respond; only the invitation does, and that does not require an excuse, only an expression of regret.

Advance notice serves the practical purpose of allowing those who plan to attend (it is unthinkable not to invite anyone given such notice) to make their travel arrangements. It also allows the couple to begin panhandling from their prospective guests.

Of course you should decline this invitation when it arrives if you do not want to spend time and money on people you already know to be ingrates who ignored your previous generosity.

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