DEAR MISS MANNERS: There are certain people in my life, as in all people's lives, whom I tolerate because I have to, but whom I don't trust at all. I am pleasant to them but do not seek out their company and do not confide my personal life to them. Cases in point: an ex-boss and a sibling, both of whose tendencies to lie, steal, cheat and manipulate in cold blood for personal gain make me think of them as sociopaths.

Now the world of Facebook has made it impossible to avoid them. Both have asked to "Friend" me; both know that I have "Friended" others whom we have in common.

The thought of their having access to details of my personal life, photos, thoughts, or even "Friends" list gives me the creeps.

On the other hand, blocking them, while they know that I give others full access seems like a slap in the face and likely to cause more trouble between us. Other than dropping out of a very useful and enjoyable medium, what can I do?

GENTLE READER: When, oh when, are people going to learn that the Internet is not a safe place to store private information?

No, not even with the various available restrictions. Have you never confided a secret to a friend and then complained bitterly because the friend was not more discreet than you, who couldn't keep your own secret?

And as you sense, refusing access is like saying, "Nyah, nyah, I have secrets, and you can't see them."

Short of keeping your personal information to yourself, the best you can do is to ignore these appeals, hoping that they presume you just don't check that often. Considering the vehemence of your descriptions of them, they are unlikely to be surprised.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my friends who is graduating wants to invite her friends to a restaurant to celebrate her graduation. However, she probably doesn't realize that if she is inviting people, people who are invited would expect her to pay for the dinner.

When I was invited to another friend's graduation dinner with a few of his friends, his parents footed the bills. Originally, I thought I was supposed to pay for my part, but a friend said no, if you are invited, they usually foot the bills.

How do you say when you want to invite people to dinner but they would have to pay for their food? We tried to come up with a word and the only word that comes to our mind is called Dutch Treat, but that is for dating. Hope you can help me let my friend know how to say it in her e-mail to her friends.

GENTLE READER: Your friend is unfortunately not the only person who believes that one becomes a hostess simply by announcing a time and place where people can treat themselves. And probably treat her as well, since she is also her own guest of honor.

Miss Manners has been endeavoring, with indifferent success, to explain the difference between an invitation and a suggestion for meeting. If you can manage to convey this, she will be grateful.

Suggestions are not formally phrased. What your friend should tell people is that she is treating herself to a special restaurant outing, and wonders if they would like to go along.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes I feel that I am fighting a losing battle while trying to raise my two sons, aged 2 and 3. My husband and I feel it is important to raise our children to be polite and respectful.

I am amazed at how difficult this can be! How do we deal with people who swear in front of our children? I cannot count how many times this has happened, in places such as Disneyland and at the playground.

Just today, I was in the restroom with my boys, washing their hands, when the grandmotherly woman at the sink next to us used profanity due to a lack of paper towels.

My children are at the age where they repeat everything they hear, so this is especially concerning.

How, also, do we deal with people who take exception to the way we're teaching our children to address adults? We were both raised that children address adults as Mr., Mrs., or Ms. ______. I am constantly dealing with people who, in front of my children, demand that my children call them by their first names because "it makes them feel old" to be addressed that way.

I have been politely responding, "I'm sorry, but that's the way we're choosing to raise our children."

Should we defer to their wishes or hold firm to our belief?

GENTLE READER: You should let go of your belief that you can bring up adult strangers. Or anyone else except your own children, a formidable enough task, as you have discovered.

That you wish that your children could grow up in a more civilized world is something with which Miss Manners sympathizes. Never mind the children -- she'd like to live there herself.

But your job is to prepare them for the real world, old foul-mouthed ladies and all.

Fortunately, you have some years now in which you and your husband are the main influences in their lives. You can inscribe your own standards so that they will always measure behavior by them, whether or not they choose to obey them once they are out of sight or on their own.

Young children are thrilled to know that it is not just they, but grown-ups, who sometimes misbehave. You must say nothing when the offender is present -- you don't want your children thinking that they can scold strangers -- but afterwards, you can say, "That poor lady doesn't know how to talk properly -- she said a very bad word."

You must also teach them to treat foolish adults, as well as sensible ones, with respect. When an adult gives a child permission to use his or her first name, it overrides the general rule you are quite properly teaching them.

Ideally, an adult would suggest this as a flattering way of recognizing that a young friend has become an adult. Miss Manners is aware, however, that the silly claim you cite is more often the case.

But everything provides the alert parent with material for child-rearing. When your children are older, this should provoke a discussion of how sad it is to be ashamed of reaching what is supposed to be emotional, as well as physical, maturity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you go to a restaurant and the server will say "Hello, I'm Sally and I will be your server..." I always feel I'm being rude if I don't introduce my wife and myself.

When I do, the server seems surprised. What is the correct response?

GENTLE READER: "The lady will have a martini, please, and I would like a diet cola."

Visit Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com, where you can send her your questions.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was treated rudely by a friend at a social function and told her that I felt her manners were sorely lacking. My friend replied that telling someone that they are rude is, in itself, an act of rudeness, making me, rather than her, the perpetrator of bad behavior in this situation!

By that definition, wouldn't her telling me that I'd been rude make her rude as well?

We've long since gotten past the initial offense that caused this situation, but are now mired in a standoff over who is guilty of rude behavior.

Does commenting on rudeness to someone who commits an offending act constitute an act of rudeness within itself? We'll anxiously await your final decision.

GENTLE READER: Then would you stop dueling? Or are you having too much fun?

Either one of you could have handled this politely. You could have said, at the first offense, "My dear, I'm sure you didn't mean to shove me on your way to the buffet table" (or whatever crime she committed). But Miss Manners is afraid that you baldly announced, as you do in your letter, that her "manners were sorely lacking."

If you did deliver that rude reprimand, your friend could have said, "I'm so terribly sorry. Of course I didn't mean it, just as I know you don't mean to be rude and scold me."

But apparently she resorted to the "You're another" defense. Miss Manners calls it a draw.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a compounding pharmacist (making custom medications "from scratch"; our pharmacy specializes in hormone replacement), and many of our clients tell me that I'm skilled at explaining their therapy (how much to use, what kind of symptoms to watch for, etc.).

They're so impressed that they tell their friends, who then, often without getting a prescription, call and want me to spend work-time discussing their symptoms -- at length.

I don't want to upset them -- they need help, and also might be potential clients -- but my boss is paying me to mix and explain prescriptions, not to chat. How might I gently dissuade those who seek free advice on my boss's time?

GENTLE READER: The advice you must dispense to such callers will help you, as well as them. It will save you not only time, but ethical distress.

Miss Manners would think that explaining the proper use of medications with your clients is one thing, and having medical discussions with strangers who tell you their symptoms over the telephone is quite another.

The quick and helpful advice she recommends, therefore, is "Ask your doctor."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wonder if there exists terminology to distinguish the following:

1. a sister-in-law who is my brother's wife

2. a sister-in-law who is my husband's sister

3. a sister-in-law who is my husband's brother's sister.

Miss Manners would surely know how to refer to these individuals simply and clearly!

GENTLE READER-- Of course.

1. "My brother's wife."

2. "My husband's sister."

3. "My husband's sister"-- unless you meant to write "My husband's brother's wife," in which case it would be "My husband's brother's wife."

Miss Manners is happy to be of help.

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