DEAR MISS MANNERS: My freshman daughter in high school, who is beautiful on the inside and outside, has received several offers to the homecoming dance at school. She said yes to the first offer although she knew another boy she liked (and we did, too) had attempted to contact her.

She said she didn't realize the conversation with the first boy would end in an invitation, and she didn't want to hurt him. We know this boy's family and agree that it would be best to go on the date she has accepted. I am sure they will be OK.

This may happen in the future. Would you have advice on how to decline an invitation to the school dance, which I think is different than a regular date because everyone wants to go and talks about this one night?

If you say no to a potential date, does etiquette mean you should not go at all? My only advice was "don't answer the phone three weeks before a dance and only call back who you want." There are a lot of limitations with this advice. This is a situation where I think it is hard to juggle getting what you want with being kind.

Is 14 too old for her to say, "I have to ask my parents first"? This still doesn't help enough because we wouldn't want to hurt a boy's feelings either, just to wait for another offer.

GENTLE READER: Your daughter is not too young to learn how to say no to someone who admires her. It will save you, as well as her, a lot of grief later.

And while Miss Manners commends your and her desire to avoid hurting anyone's feelings, you both need to recognize that not all hurt feelings can be avoided.

Hurting someone's feelings by making it clear that the young lady is waiting for a better offer would indeed be bad. But everyone, even vulnerable young gentlemen in high school, has to learn to deal with whatever hurt is felt if an invitation is declined or a romantic impulse unrequited.

The chief way to avoid rudeness when declining is not to give any excuse. This is also a way to avoid easily detected falsehoods. She need only say, "You're so nice to ask me, but I'm afraid I can't."

If the petitioner's mother has not taught him the danger, as well as the rudeness, of asking why not, she should say merely, "I'm sorry, but I have other plans." Even if the other plans are to wait for a more desirable young gentleman to ask.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During the processional, is it appropriate for the stepmom to get a personal escort to her seat by an usher along with the biological mother, or should she just take a seat like the other guests, but sit in the pews reserved for the parents and grandparents?

GENTLE READER: You have asked this question in a neutral enough way so that Miss Manners can't tell if you are the biological mother, the stepmother or a partisan for either.

This is a good sign. Perhaps this is that rare question about a technicality without an unkind subtext.

The answer is that all ladies attending should be escorted by ushers, and that the stepmother should sit with her husband.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend from work had a "destination" wedding in Las Vegas. Because of the cost of traveling to another state, hotel stay and the fact that it was the week before Christmas, I declined on my RSVP well in advance.

Of course my friend was upset that I was unable to attend her out-of-state affair. However, I made the bride's veil, and she said she loved it. I received a note of thanks for the veil from my friend.

She stated in the thank you note that she "appreciated her true friends that made the commitment to come to the wedding and that we are still accepting monetary gifts for our honeymoon cruise later this summer."

Beyond the initial thank you, I feel that both statements were inappropriate. Her wedding veil was costly to create (both in time and monetarily), and since it was my gift to her, I do not feel inclined to give a cash gift for their honeymoon.

Isn't the honeymoon the responsibility of the bride and groom? We couldn't afford a honeymoon and my husband and I went camping in a state park for a week. We never dreamed of asking people to give us money for a honeymoon.

Am I wrong? Should I rethink giving her money for her cruise?

GENTLE READER: It depends. Don't you want to save up to buy them a house? And to furnish it? And to contribute to their future children's education?

Because that this is what you would be in for if you decided to pay bills for a pair of greedy ingrates.

Miss Manners cannot think of a more generous and charming present than the one you lovingly made. But evidently, the bride can.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our high school provides graduation announcements that students can purchase that include our class motto, alma mater, etc., and also contain a section for each student to insert a name card and/or portrait.

Some of these announcements will be sent to family and friends that I have not heard from or talked to in a very long time. Is it proper for me to handwrite a few personal words in the announcement, or would this cheapen the effect?

My father (whom I believe is of the same generation as Miss Manners) says I am mistaken and that if I want to say something else I need to enclose a separate note or send another letter altogether.

I see his point, but is a simple "Hope to see you soon" or "Best Wishes" really all that big of a faux-pas? Please steer me in the right direction!

GENTLE READER: Well, neither your father nor Miss Manners wants you scribbling on your wedding invitations some day.

But a personal card with your name on it has no such prohibitions. On the contrary; it is begging to be written upon. If your school's invitations did not anticipate inserting a card, Miss Manners would have suggested it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I responded to a post on Facebook using a double-entendre. As with most double-entendres, one interpretation was rather straightforward while the other was somewhat inappropriate.

I posted this on the page of a friend who was not offended by the message. However, several of her friends, whom I do not know, did take offense.

As I see it, my audience was the friend and I shouldn't feel remorse for my message. Should I have considered every possible reader and assumed that they would be easily offended? I'd rather not sanitize my comments to please the most prudish person in any situation.

GENTLE READER: Then you will find out what such people think of you.

However much you think of such sites as a means of private correspondence, they are not. The very idea is widespread sharing of what is written. Even whatever controls seem to exist cannot prevent your friends from passing on what you wrote.

And then nothing on earth will stop the other readers from critiquing what you wrote. Everybody's a critic nowadays.

Of course you can then snap back, and thus start an endless critical exchange with people you don't know. That is, indeed, many people's idea of fun, although Miss Manners can hardly dignify it by calling it an exchange of ideas.

But all you apparently intended was to be in private touch with your friend. There are other means to do so. None of them is sacrosanct if your friend decides to tell others, but they are at least a bit less public.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My first cousin died tragically in a car accident. My two sisters, who are both married, made the two-hour drive and attended the out-of-town services.

One of my sister's husband attended (mine did as well), but the other husband chose to stay home due to a pet having surgery (mind you, the pet stayed at the vet all night).

Our family was very close to my passed cousin, and I thought it quite rude that my brother-in-law not attend. We are talking about a human being versus an animal.

I've heard the "Fluffy is part of the family" argument before and I don't buy it. I had multiple pets growing up, but a human celebration of life far outweighs the living pet in my opinion. Please tell me if this line of thinking is in left field.

GENTLE READER: No, but it is unwise. In times of high emotion such as funerals and weddings, people have an unfortunate tendency to dwell on slights they perceive from others.

Miss Manners begs you to let this pass. First because the Fluffy excuse may be questionable, quite apart from the animal vs. human angle, since your brother-in-law was not at the veterinarian's with Fluffy. The real reason, justifiable or not, may have been something else. But more importantly because the funeral is past and you should be appreciating those who did attend, not focusing on those who did not.

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