DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a student veteran, and I had been dealing with a particular government agency for several months, to no avail, in receiving certain education benefits that were owed to me. It was a frustrating time, and, as a last resort to try and recoup the thousands of dollars my husband and I had spent on my tuition, I contacted my senator's office.

They were fantastically helpful, were able to solve my problem in an afternoon, and soon thereafter I received my benefits. I am really grateful for their assistance, particularly that of one of the staffers. I would love to show my appreciation by sending them a thank-you note. Is this appropriate? If so, how and to whom should it be addressed?

GENTLE READER: To the senator, assuring him of your gratitude and loyalty.

Yes, Miss Manners realizes that he didn't do a thing, and hasn't even heard of your case. You kindly want to praise the generally unsung people on his staff who did.

That is what you do in your second sentence to the senator, mentioning by name the excellence of members of his staff. This will do them more good than addressing them directly, and they are in a position to make sure this gets to his desk.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter married in June 2008, and became very sick four weeks later, diagnosed with a debilitating condition. For the next 18 months, she did her best to keep up with her part time job but had to drop out of college two semesters in a row.

Her devoted new husband, father and I kept the basics in their lives moving along. Unfortunately, there was no way either of them could manage the thank-you notes. She has always been very good at that kind of thing, and I know it weighs heavily on her.

Blessedly, she is now much improved and has the energy to attend classes full time. At this point, I know she is simply humiliated with this situation and thinks it is too late.

I am hoping you might have some words of encouragement for her that it isn't too late. Classes end in mid-May with their second anniversary close behind. Please give us an idea of how to approach this. I just know your advice will help her so this regret doesn't bother her forever.

GENTLE READER: Why didn't she write those letters in the four weeks before she got sick? (How's that for words of encouragement?)

OK, so you've made Miss Manners look heartless. Here is a young lady who has a record for having written thank you letters before she was stricken, and a conscience that makes this omission weigh heavily on her. (So why didn't you make it a priority to relieve her of that weight? Oh, never mind.)

"Too late" won't do, as your daughter realizes. But although Miss Manners generally cautions against giving excuses (claiming one has been "busy" is particularly irritating, as it suggests a fuller life than those of the generous donors), some explanation is needed now that nearly two years have passed.

"I have never forgotten your kindness in giving me the lovely (whatsit)," she might begin. "Throughout my illness these past two years, it has given me pleasure and it always makes me think of you...."

Not even Miss Manners would be heartless enough to resist this approach.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is wrong with people? What happened to the politics and religion rule?

There are people in my van pool and co-workers (some of whom are managers) who think that everyone benefits from hearing their political views. It is interesting that they all share a common opinion that is simplistic and naive.

It puts people who are not in agreement in a no-win situation. Do I speak up and cause acrimony in the van pool? Do I speak up and cause more acrimony and retribution at work?

I don't think so. Also, I do not appreciate receiving e-mails from this same faction that are almost always outright lies, distortions and half-truths. There is plenty of room for criticism on all sides, and it is hard enough to get rational information about Washington's plans for us. The offenders are only perpetuating partisanship, polarizing their audience and making any positive changes impossible. Miss Manners, please share your thoughts.

GENTLE READER: What happened to the etiquette rule banning casual social discussions of politics and religion is that it is roundly pooh-poohed and ignored. At best, it is thought to be a prissy and unnecessary restriction of adult conversation; at worst, it is considered a repression of free speech and the democratic process.

Miss Manners acknowledges that these accusations might have some validity if people knew how to express their opinions civilly and to listen to the thoughts of others with open minds.

But guess what, folks: In this society, most of the acrimony short of violence is over religion and/or politics, and it doesn't always stop short of violence. And those who are supposed to be dealing with these topics professionally aren't behaving much better.

Instead of civil conversation, discussion and debate we have wholesale denunciations and personal insults. Funny thing -- it turns out that a real exchange of ideas and opinions is possible only under the rule of etiquette.

Miss Manners advises you to cultivate the aura of someone who is so immersed in work -- reading papers in the van pool, concentrating intensely in the office so that you have a blank look when interrupted as if you had not heard -- that it is useless to attempt engaging you in what passes for conversation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am having a party in honor of the engagement of my niece and her fiance. Each family has given me a list of invitees. Is it proper for me to invite my friends (who will not be invited to the wedding), as the party is in my home?

GENTLE READER: You would be doing your friends no favor. To be included in such an occasion suggests that they ought to be more involved in this marriage than they probably may care to be -- yet if they do want to be, they will find they are not invited to the wedding.

Miss Manners is puzzled about why you would want to do this. To pay off social debts? To be able to keep away from your relatives with people who amuse you more?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who is 12 years my junior. We have been close for at least 10 years, but since she began attending college, I've found her friendship altering from very dear to quite demanding.

She has a high regard for social justice, which I admire, but this has come to include co-opting word usage to the point of my distaste.

I have long been a lover of Victorian literature, foremost being the works of Oscar Wilde and Lewis Carroll, whilst writing fiction in such styles as a beloved hobby.

Upon rereading the Alice books, I find myself flinching at how often the words "queer" and "gaily" come up as a reminder that I may be robbed from using them in the manner Lewis Carroll and other writers have done. It now seems I'm only "allowed" to use them for the sole purpose of their modern upgrades.

I'm terribly perplexed on how to behave around my friend. In my teens, I discovered I was bisexual, and her conveniently ignoring this fact neither helps our friendship nor the goals we both share.

I have so far deduced that, for the sake of etiquette, I may only relish my books in isolation and refrain from expressing my own queer notions of gaiety in her presence.

GENTLE READER: In the hope of interesting other Gentle Readers as well as of furthering her study of mankind, Miss Manners always examines surface etiquette problems for more widely applicable underlying issues. And you have provided tantalizing clues: Connecting college attendance with objectionable traits. Squabbling about words that now refer to homosexuality. Complaining that ignoring your bisexuality is detrimental to your shared goals.

But why would your friend's education be a problem when you also have intellectual interests? Why would you, being bisexual, denounce the modern uses of "queer" and "gay" in particular, when doing so is associated with homophobia?

And if that reference to your own sexuality contains a subtext, it is too deep for Miss Manners.

So maybe the two of you are just fighting over whether some words legitimately change meaning over time, and whether writing in the style of another time can legitimately include using them in the sense of that time.

Both are true, but there are people who resist revisions and people who resist reversions. Why these people cannot disagree on this without ruining the friendship, Miss Manners cannot understand. But perhaps she missed the real subtext.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately, I've placed a few classifieds advertising for office management and financial types. I never knew I had so many friends who obviously felt no hesitation in greeting me on a first-name basis. People who are educated are addressing me as though I was a close relative.

Is there an effective way to bring to their attention that a prospective supervisor might warrant an opening salutation commensurate with their status?

GENTLE READER: "Ms. Brokenridge," or "Mr. Hightower," Miss Manners advises you to say, "I don't know that you'd be happy here. This is rather a formal office."

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