DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to use a speakerphone when there are other people in the room or car?

My husband has a hands-free phone system in his car. He frequently travels to different locations during the day and has co-workers often riding with him.

When I call him, I have asked him to let me know that there are other people listening to our conversation. Possibly something like, "Hi, honey, Jack and I are between appointments, what's going on?" This lets everyone know who is listening to the conversation.

I don't feel it's my place to say, "Are you alone?" because it makes me feel rude if there are people listening. And if he indicates he's not alone, then what do I say?

So far my husband has not changed and doesn't feel it's necessary to change.

One time his sister was riding with him and she listened to our conversation for about five minutes before I was told she was in the car. When I asked her later about it, she said it made her feel very uncomfortable that I didn't know she was listening.

Another time, I didn't know I was on speakerphone, and I told my husband where I hid the children's Christmas presents so he could steer them away from that area when he arrived home, and all my children heard the whole conversation.

After these and many more incidents, I'm sure I don't even know about, I now have only extremely short conversations with him during the daytime in case we're not alone. And I certainly don't flirt with him on the phone! What is the right way to handle the speakerphone?

GENTLE READER: That's easy; it is handling your husband that seems to be your real problem.

As you know, anyone using the telephone on the speakermode should inform the other person who else is listening to the conversation. But you have told your husband that, and neither your examples of what went wrong nor your asking him to accommodate you has worked.

Miss Manners is not a marriage counselor, so she will confine herself to the matter of protecting your conversations. You might always assume that there is someone else listening, and call out a merry "Hello, everybody; who's there?"

Presumably, your children, sister-in-law or whoever is in the car will return your greeting. And with any luck, your husband will soon tire of this and accede to your request. Or your state will pass a law prohibiting even hands-free telephones.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend whose daughter had gotten engaged and planned a wedding in August. My daughter had been engaged for five years, but because of different circumstances could not get married right away.

We do not have much family, but this July, the family will be visiting. My daughter and her fiance decided to have their wedding in July. Small wedding.

My friend called me and said that if I do have my daughter's wedding a month before her daughter's, she would never talk to me again. I told her our friendship is over then.

Am I crazy, but I find this ridiculous. My daughter's small wedding will not affect her daughter's wedding at all. We are not having any showers or parties before.

Everyone I talked to said get a new friend. What is your opinion?

GENTLE READER: That you should get a new friend.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I called a female friend because I felt it was time for a casual "catching up." She will be getting married in the fall, so I inquired about wedding plans.

I also brought up my birthday event, telling her to expect an invitation via Facebook. This led me down the path of my birthday event from last year, and this is where things get interesting.

Last year, I organized a rather expensive event and told people I invited that in return for their attendance, I would require $15. Most people paid me that night, and everyone else reimbursed me within the next couple months. That is, everyone but Isabel and her boyfriend (now her fiance).

Upon being reminded of the debt during the aforementioned phone call, she did not sound annoyed, nor did she question why it had taken so long for me to bring up the issue. A couple of pleasantries were then exchanged, and that was the end of the call.

A few days later, I received the following cursive handwritten note in the mail with a $20 bill and a $10 bill enclosed:

"I was unaware of my supposed year-long debt, so $30 is enclosed. To prevent such further misunderstanding and apparent lack of sleep, please feel free not to invite me to future events. Regards...."

I am wondering if I am right taking exception to what I feel to be needlessly malicious and passive-aggressive correspondence. The usage of the term "supposed" is completely erroneous, and the remark about "apparent lack of sleep" has no grounds, since I said nothing to that effect.

Also, the final phrase in the note is especially impolite given the sarcastic politeness with which it is written.

I can assure you, I was nothing but casual and calm when reminding her of the debt. Granted, I am in the wrong for bringing it up so far removed from the event, but the passage of time does not excuse money owed. In your opinion, what should be my response?

GENTLE READER: A resolution to learn from the experience.

The Honor Myself birthday party, complete with money-collecting guest-of-honor-host, has become so commonplace that many do not stop to think just how vulgar it is. But there could hardly be a greater perversion of hospitality than declaring oneself the guest of honor and then charging people to celebrate your own birthday.

Admittedly, nobody should have accepted without agreeing to your terms. But your seeming to have been brooding over this for a year (which is what was meant by the reference to sleeplessness) is a crude reminder that your hospitality was not freely offered.

Let us hope your friend remembers this as she plans her wedding and does not suggest a return, in either money or dry goods, from her guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee and I were fortunate enough to buy a large house with several extra bedrooms.

Is there a tactful way to respond to the inevitable questions along the lines of, "My, you sure do have a lot of bedrooms; any plans on filling them up?"

We love our friends and family and want to avoid being bad hosts by telling them it's none of their business. We'd love to hear any ideas you may have.

GENTLE READER: Library, study, music room, guest room, exercise room, laundry room....

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On those evenings when I work late, my son, who is 24 years old, comes and picks me up from work. I'm 58, dress affluently, and look much younger than my age, or so I'm told. My husband will occasionally join us, but most of the time it's just us two.

Last week, as soon as I had gone to the ladies' room, an older woman came up to our table and told my son he was "disgusting" and asked why didn't he date women his own age.

He smiled and asked her how she was certain he didn't date women his own age and reminded her that this was none of her concern anyway. He went on to tell her that, in fact, I'm his mother. She wouldn't believe him and left scowling.

This happens so frequently, and it's usually younger girls and older women who come to our table and insult my son with their rudeness. He says some people are genuinely embarrassed, while others simply argue that they don't believe him.

I've had young girls call out to us, "Awwwwwww, it's a cougar." Another time, a young girl asked my son how a woman of my age could be better than her. The angry glares while I'm trying to enjoy my dinner after a hard day at work are more than I can stand.

I have seen many women out with younger fellows, and most of the time you can see the resemblance and assume they are out with their sons. I really do not care, but this outright rudeness and ignorance is really getting to me. I must conclude that the people who are doing it are downright jealous!

How does one deal with this constant barrage of extreme rudeness?

GENTLE READER: Where are you taking your son to dinner -- singles bars?

Miss Manners realizes that nosiness is rampant in our society, and that scolding strangers is smugly passed off under the name of helpful honesty. But that ordinary restaurants are packed with patrons who feel free to assess and critique one another's choices of dinner partners does strike her as peculiar.

And why would you try to engage with such people? Politeness does not require it, and you know from experience that attempting the defense that they have mistaken the relationship only legitimizes their premise. Unconstrained by manners, they have no hesitation about compounding the insult with charges of lying.

The polite way to snub meddling strangers is to ignore them or say coldly, "I don't believe I know you," while turning away. If this does not discourage them, your next step is to report to management -- within their hearing -- that you are being harassed by rowdy patrons.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I paid for my recent divorce and completed all the paperwork, as well as appearing in court with a witness. Immediately following the court date, my now-ex e-mailed me asking how the divorce went and enclosed a link, which turned out to be a newspaper engagement announcement to his soon-to-be-fourth wife.

This announcement had obviously taken place before the divorce was finalized. By the way, I am very welcome to fly up to attend the wedding! Your take on this, please, manners-wise.

GENTLE READER: That it sounds pathetically like "See? At least someone loves me!"

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