DEAR MISS MANNERS: A dear friend of many years has fallen on hard times. She is a single mother and her son will be starting college in the fall. She has confided to a mutual friend that she is worried that she may not be able to afford the costs. Her son is a wonderful young man, and I would like to help both of them out. He has a scholarship for his tuition, and I would like to pay his room and board for the upcoming year.

I am thinking of contacting the school and simply paying the room and board and asking them to tell her it was part of the scholarship, but this seems dishonest. However, my friend is a very proud woman and I do not want to embarrass her in any way, and I'm afraid telling her I want to pay the room and board would make her uncomfortable.

What is the most polite way to handle such a situation? Is there a general rule for giving money to a friend in need? This would be a gift -- no repayment would be expected.

GENTLE READER: Here is what Miss Manners would say to her dear friend if she were you:

"I've been thinking for some time now about giving to student aid -- not exactly endowing a scholarship, which is a bit beyond me, but contributing to the living costs of some worthy student. Of course, it would be great fun for me if it were someone whose career I could follow -- indirectly, because I wouldn't want the student to feel obligated.

"Well, I've chosen your Brandon. He's a wonderful young man, and I'd love to be part of the success I know he will have. So here's the donation. No, don't protest -- it's not for you. It's my fund, and Brandon won it. Please don't try to deny me this pleasure -- and anyway, you can't, because the committee's decision to award it to Brandon is final."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My cousin had about 60 people at her wedding and complained of receiving very little in the way of wedding gifts.

While my aunt and I were appalled by this, my mother got awful angry at me for "expecting gifts." I replied that it was not polite to not give a gift if you attend a wedding, and that this IS shocking.

Well, she and I are both stuck with our opinions and we wanted to know your opinion.

GENTLE READER: Can you handle a paradox?

It is that wedding guests are expected to give presents, but the expected recipients (and their families) are wrong to expect them.

Huh?

Bear with Miss Manners on this, please.

It is true that it is customary for wedding guests to be so moved by the occasion that they want to offer a tangible symbol of their pleasure. Or they want to be thought so. Or, if they really don't care, they should stay home.

At the same time, it is a violation of the hospitality that is being offered to expect a return. One is supposed to be pleasantly surprised to receive any presents. And it is horrid to speak of guests as if they had run out on a restaurant without paying the bill.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am pretty small, only 5 feet 1 inch and 115 pounds. However, I have unusually huge breasts. I would like to know how to respond to the comments and questions, such as "Wow, how much do they weigh? What is your bra size?" or other such things.

Also, how do I let people (mostly men) know that no matter how much they talk to my breasts, they have never responded.

GENTLE READER: In such cases silence is best, accompanied by a frosty look. But since Miss Manners gathers that even those who ask you questions are not likely to observe a frosty look, she suggests going above their heads, as it were, to say "I beg your pardon" before turning away.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My younger brother and I both have big smiles, medium skin tone, and dark brown hair and eyes. Most people would never know to look at us that we don't share DNA (he's adopted).

When we're out together, people often comment that we look alike. I never know quite how to respond. Just saying "thanks" seems to be a lie by omission, as the speaker clearly intends to be commenting on our genetic connection.

But saying something like, "Which is funny, given that we're not genetically related at all" seems like a rude way to induce the truth. Can you recommend a better response?

GENTLE READER: Lies? The ruthless truth?

Who is trailing you and probing into your genetic makeup? The FBI? Interpol?

Or -- if Miss Manners dares suggest it -- could these be trite, offhand remarks by people just making conversation?

Apparently you and your brother do look alike. Lots of unrelated people do. Each of you should say he is flattered to be thought to look like the other, and then leave it at that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as a hotel's chief concierge and have always tried to be proper in our dealings with our guests. We were taken to task regarding the use of "folks" as a form of address, and I understand the concern. But we have yet to be presented with an alternative!

The English language just doesn't work sometimes. How do you greet a couple when they approach the Concierge desk? Or a group of three that are not of the same sex? (If it's all male, then "Good morning, gentlemen" or "Good morning, ladies" if they are women works just fine) -- but what of our couple -- "Good morning Mr. & Mrs?" I don't think so. Almost every other language has a word (m'sieur dame, signora signore) even Japanese has "minnasama."

So I pose the question to you -- what do you do? Oh yes, great if you know their name "Good morning, Mr. & Mrs. McGillicuddy" but if you don't -- and there is our dilemma, Miss Manners, in a nutshell.

GENTLE READER: The English language works fine -- you just have to use more of it. "Good morning, madam; good morning, sir." Or in the case of two and one, "Good morning madam; good morning, gentlemen." Miss Manners points out that the added effort will give you the opportunity to direct a smile at each of them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 16-year-old cousin recently had a baby. Although I think she is still too young to have children, I keep my opinions to myself, and am genuinely happy for her and her healthy baby.

The problem is, whenever I visit her, her aunts and other people I hardly talk to start telling me that I should have children by now and that my younger cousin "beat me" to parenthood, as if it were some sort of competition.

They also inquire as to why I am still single. It has become so uncomfortable for me that I haven't been to her house in months.

How do I answer these questions without sounding snobbish and condescending? I turned 18 a few months ago and resent being pressured into a relationship and parenthood by people I do not particularly care about.

GENTLE READER: Frankly, Miss Manners doesn't much care for them, either, even though, not being her relatives, they have not gotten around to goading her.

But why don't you visit when they are absent? Is that impossible because the aunts are living with her and taking care of the baby? If so, try asking them cheerfully if they will promise to rear all of yours when you have decided that the proper time has come for you to have them.

And you can always exclaim, "I know! Eighteen and still single and childless! My life is a failure. But you should be grateful that little Jayden has a doting spinster cousin."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother and I recently concluded a lawsuit over the wrongful death of my father, who passed away a year ago from a disease caused by asbestos exposure.

We were able to settle, before going to trial, for a sum larger than our attorney had anticipated (hundreds of thousands of dollars) because, in large part, of the deposition given by one of my father's former coworkers. He gave of his time and had planned to take a day off work to testify at the trial.

My mother and I don't know him well, but we would like to express our gratitude for his concern for our family and what we consider to be a tribute to my father's memory. We have already sent him a gift basket of baked goods with a short note. What else is in order to express our thanks? Should we take him and his wife out to dinner? Give a financial gift to compensate him for his time?

GENTLE READER: What many people do not realize in this rather greedy age is that giving money is not always welcome. Should you offer to do so, Miss Manners would hope that the gentleman would say stiffly that he was only doing his duty and that he has no wish to be a paid witness.

You have sent a modest present and a note, which, although short, presumably expressed your appreciation. A dinner invitation would be suitable if you want to continue the relationship with this worthy gentleman.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it or is it not appropriate to send a thank you note written on stationery with the words "thank you" preprinted on it? I was always taught that because the point of the note is for one to express her own thanks, only plain or personal stationery may be used -- nothing that already says "thank you."

But these cards are pervasive, so I wonder if the advice I received was incorrect. I know, I know, in this day and age one should be pleased with any handwritten thank you.

GENTLE READER: So why would anyone take the trouble to handwrite one's thanks and then herald it with a canned, mass-produced version of those words? Do people think that a letter needs to announce its subject, like an e-mail?

Oh, well. Miss Manners is among those who choose to be grateful for letters of thanks without scrutinizing them too carefully.

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