DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct response when people tell me to smile?

I am not at a photographer's studio or where photos are being taken. I'm just going about my business.

The other evening, I was waiting for my husband to bring the car around to the door to go home from a social function we had attended. An acquaintance was getting her coat at the coat check. We exchanged some pleasantries when out of the blue she told me to smile.

I told her that really annoys me when people say that to me. After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, we bid each other goodnight.

This request to smile has happened to me more than once. I am a reserved person and not one who goes around grinning from ear to ear. I'm not sad or mad. I'm just me.

How should I handle this request? Am I obligated to give them a big toothy smile? Was I rude to my acquaintance? Do I owe her an apology? I am perplexed by this command.

GENTLE READER: It is indeed both common and rude to command others to smile, as if this conferred a favor by improving their outlook on life.

Miss Manners was once told this by a stranger on an airplane, although she was dressed in black from head to toe, on her way to attend a funeral. Later she regretted that she had restrained herself from bursting into tears.

Still, your chastising the offender was rude. You could have conveyed the point politely by asking, "Why? Did you say something amusing?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have been paying for our granddaughters' private elementary school tuition. We would like the other grandparents (my son-in-law's parents) to take turns or to share the costs with us.

Should we ask them directly by phone, write them a letter or ask my son-in-law to speak to them?

GENTLE READER: It seems fair enough, doesn't it? After all, the children are their grandchildren, too. So why does Miss Manners smell disaster?

It is because although your generosity is commendable, it does not give you license to demand it from others. Aside from its not being your business, you cannot know these people's resources, priorities and obligations.

Oh, yes, you say. They take expensive cruises, bought a new car, wear fancy clothes or whatever else you may have observed. Sorry, that does not count. It is still not your money.

What you may do is tell your daughter and son-in-law that you are finding the tuition bills something of a strain and would like to cut back to half if other resources can be found short of removing the children from their school.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a time limit after which one should not offer an apology for fear of raising a hopefully long-forgotten ugly experience back into the mind of the one offended?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has news for you: They remember. And no, there is no statute of limitations absolving you of apologizing. You just have to do so more abjectly.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How would you deal with a tour guide who is prejudiced against Americans? On a trip to Great Britain, which was great fun, we had one exception -- an English tour guide who never ceased to berate our group for all the ills of the world (LOL, including Mrs. Wallis Simpson from years back).

The group as a whole just held their collective breathes whenever near her, kept a low profile and endeavored not to be rude. Afterward, there was a discussion as to how to defuse the situation without pushing the offending party off the bus. Any suggestions for next time?

GENTLE READER: Americans are so tolerant of national criticism that Miss Manners doesn't know whether to commend our good nature or deplore our lack of pride. It is not rude to object to your country's being insulted.

But she certainly admires the nerve of a British tour guide berating America to American clients. Wallis Simpson! If the guide wanted to discuss royal scandals, Miss Manners can think of a lot more recent ones that the British conducted without any help from us.

One way to handle this would be to take it as teasing and start mentioning those scandals, and perhaps other embarrassments in British history, such as losing at war with the United States. Another would be to say stiffly, "We respect your country, and we would appreciate it if you would return the courtesy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a live-in nanny, I share a home, and therefore a mailing address with my employers. I greatly appreciated a gift from them and wrote a card thanking them for it, which I mailed.

My boss said that it was silly to mail a card to someone you see regularly.

I was taught that one should always mail thank-you notes, both because it is more formal, and because it gives the recipient the added pleasure of receiving personal mail. Who is right?

GENTLE READER: A great many people now hold your notion, which Miss Manners finds odd. Historically, the opposite was true. Hand delivery was considered the only correct formal way of delivering a message -- but that was by people who employed footmen for the task.

When those were in short supply and they had to resort to the public post, they used two envelopes, so that the real message was addressed as before, with only the name of the recipient. And that, dear children, is why two envelopes are used for wedding invitations to this very day.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have had a long-standing discussion on the appropriateness and politeness of the phrases: "Please" and "May I." I feel that the request "May I have the sugar?" is as polite as "Can you please pass the sugar?" My husband feels that if the request does not contain the word "please" then it's not polite, and if you use "May I," you need to tack on the word "Please," as in, "May I have the sugar, please?" We would enjoy having your thoughts on this debate.

GENTLE READER: Your husband may enjoy Miss Manners' thought more than you: He is correct.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I attended a social function where we were meeting a lot of new people. I had a very bad cold, although I had taken some cold medicine so it wasn't blatantly obvious.

When people tried to shake my hand I would say, "I'm sorry, but I have a terrible cold and I don't want to get you sick, but it's a pleasure to meet you."

After we left my husband was angry and said that everyone thought I was either stuck up or a crazy germophobe. Now I'm embarrassed to see any of these people again.

I honestly didn't mean to offend, but I'm a nurse and I know that's one of the best ways to pass germs around. I just didn't want to be a Typhoid Mary and spread my illness to everyone.

I thought I was doing the polite thing. Do I owe these people an apology?

GENTLE READER: For trying to avoid giving these people your cold? No. For not trying hard enough? Yes.

Miss Manners is neither a nurse nor what you call a crazy germophobe. But she can tell you that the new people you met socially did not consider it a pleasure to meet someone with a terrible cold. And she can understand your embarrassment about encountering anyone who may have caught it.

Next time, please stop worrying about the cover-up. Just stay home.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know there are a lot of etiquette rules regarding weddings, but this is a new one for me: My husband and I were invited to the wedding of a couple we both know and like. We do not have a lot of mutual friends, so we won't know many people at the wedding besides the bride and groom and two other people. My husband will be out of town on the day, so I wanted to bring a friend (male, but with my husband's approval) so that I would have someone to talk to and enjoy the wedding with.

My mother says that since the invitation was to "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," I cannot just bring along another, who would be a stranger to the couple.

I say two of us were invited and two of us should be able to go. What say you?

GENTLE READER: Really? The idea is new to you that people invite specific people to a wedding, rather than issuing tickets that say "Admit two"?

Miss Manners asks you to think back to your own wedding, when you weighed each name on the guest list. Would you have been just as happy if those you chose to invite had passed on their invitations had chosen substitute companions (so they wouldn't be bored having to meet your other guests)?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Under what circumstances is it permissible to taste a bite of a dining companion's food in a restaurant? My mother and I have always traded "bites" by placing a small portion on the edge of the plate of the other, or alternatively passing a small amount on a clean bread-and-butter dish. My husband is appalled by this practice. What say you?

GENTLE READER: That it would be a good idea for you to stay out of your husband's plate.

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