DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend called and we expressed pleasantries about the season and a few other things, but she said that was not why she called me:

"Can you pay a certain bill for me?"

I asked how much? When was it due? I offered to pay one half.

She didn't offer a reply. She didn't say thank you, this will help -- nothing in response. She went on to explain what her financial problems were.

Upon saying goodbye, I told her I would get it to her. She did not acknowledge the response.

Miss Manners, when is it acceptable to ask a friend to pay a bill? There was no promise of repayment. I have traveled with this person on several occasions but always paid my share or whatever was asked of me and always offered dinner or other gifts as a thank you. I drive her whenever we go out and have run errands for her, but I would never consider asking her to pay my car insurance or any other bill.

Am I wrong to feel like I am being taken advantage of? I have not spoken to her since that phone call. Didn't know what to say. I thought friendship was free.

I have no problem helping, but for her to ask directly for a certain amount by a certain date made me feel like a sucker. I am not rich, so I don't know why she would feel like I have money lying around, waiting to be given to other people.

Good to get it off my chest.

GENTLE READER: Did you also send the money off?

Miss Manners hopes not. Even though manners and morals do not always match -- we have all been warned about smooth-talking villains and cads (for all the good it does) -- they do here. Your friend's astounding lack of gratitude makes it clear that she does not feel indebted to you. So Miss Manners believes that the chances of her paying you back, or rendering you a similar favor if you needed it, are nil.

You ask if it is ever acceptable for a friend to ask help with paying a bill. Not ordinarily, but one can imagine a situation in which someone in desperate straits asks for a loan from a close friend. It would begin with a statement of embarrassment at doing so, an assurance of understanding if it were impossible for you, and a clear statement (with an offer to put it in writing) of the money owed, interest suggested and deadline for repayment.

Does this remind you of your encounter with your friend?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in a long-distance relationship, and whenever this comes up in conversation, I am met with all sorts of nay-saying -- "Oh, that will never work!" and the like. What response would help me express my respect for and faith in my relationship, yet also preserve respect for the people saying these things, which I'm sure are not meant to be hurtful (but often are)?

GENTLE READER: Why would you want to declare your faith to people who feel free to declare their doubt of it?

Miss Manners finds that saying "I appreciate your good wishes" serves as a reminder that that is what they should have offered.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Have I missed some change in the culture of taste and decorum in the last few years?

When we leave work, the security checkpoint requires placing items on a table before going through the magnameter. Often this is just for ease with such things as keys, cigarettes, newspapers, food and the like being placed on the table.

That was, until the other day. One of the ladies also leaving put something down that caused me to do a double take. It was a box of tampons. Not in a bag, or peeking out of a purse, flat on the table like a pack of cigarettes. I guess that takes the mystery out of her product choice.

Did I miss something here? I thought there was a level of decorum still in play despite celebrity disrobing, marriage disposal by politicians and alternate uses of golf clubs.

Or is this the new Bold Age, whereby anything goes, along as you do it in public? I thought on some things the mark had not moved. Could I be wrong?

GENTLE READER: Uh, how do you like the new airport body scanner?

Miss Manners also regrets the passing of modesty, but she makes a distinction among that which is sacrificed to apparent necessity, that which is surrendered voluntarily, and that which is exposed against one's wishes.

If by disrobing, you mean appearing in public scantily dressed (or let us say more scantily dressed than is now customary), that is usually, although not always, voluntary. So it counts as immodest unless you are in the fashion business. But surely you would not condemn a patient who is trying to make it down the clinic corridor in a hospital gown without being recognized.

The revelation of political and celebrity marriage troubles is usually against the will of the participants. But leaving aside the question of how unpalatable the details may be, ordinary citizens in droves are only too eager to reveal their formerly private lives -- on the Internet or television, if possible, and if not, by cornering anyone they can trap. Additionally, much grooming is now done in public, from the salons with picture windows to those who brush their teeth on public transportation.

Miss Manners joins you in deploring all this. But now let us return to your colleague who is leaving work. Perhaps she has been told to empty everything in her purse, or perhaps she forgot what besides shampoo was in her bag from the drugstore. Or perhaps she expects you to be tending to your own belongings rather than peering at hers any more than if you had been in line behind her when she bought them.

In any case, there are enough blatant examples of flagrant immodesty around without bothering this poor lady who is just trying to get home from work.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you think it's appropriate for a guest at a funeral to comment negatively to the family afterwards? I think it is insensitive, and I wonder what their motives are.

GENTLE READER: You don't mean, "It is terrible to lose him," do you?

Miss Manners supposes not. She realizes that everyone nowadays fancies himself a critic, but no, it is not a comfort to the bereaved to be told that the funeral got a thumbs-down rating.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was widowed after a successful 30-plus-year marriage. I took time to mourn and heal before I began to date and sincerely believe I'm ready to pursue other relationships. I've met several genuinely nice, caring men whose company I enjoy.

My concern is that, without exception, the men I've dated (in the 60- to 70-year-old range) seem far more entrenched in traditional gender roles than I am. My husband and I were equals -- personally, professionally and financially. The gentlemen I'm dating seem extremely uncomfortable at the mere suggestion that we split the cost or I pay for them, regardless of how expensive our outing is.

I've attempted to discuss with each of these men that I'm not comfortable being a perpetual recipient of their hospitality and prefer a more equal allocation of expenses.

All of them tell me not to worry about it, that they enjoy "spoiling me." I don't want to be rude, but I don't aspire to be spoiled or a stereotypical "dependent woman."

Because I'm uncomfortable with the inequality of the gentleman assuming all financial obligation I've taken to reciprocating their hospitality by inviting them to my home for meals. I'm an excellent cook and hostess, and all of them seem accepting of this traditional male-female arrangement. But frankly, I'd much rather pay my share of the expenses when we go out and invite guests to my home because I want to enjoy their company rather than to satisfy a social obligation I didn't want to incur.

I'm a feminist. I believe that men and women are and should be equal, and I've lived my life based on that belief. But I don't believe that one's ideology or ego is an excuse for poor manners.

Should I simply accept that I live in a time when gender roles are in flux and my life experiences may have positioned me outside the norm? Or should I be more assertive about satisfying my concept of fairness?

And, if so, how do I do it without making some lovely, generous men feel that I'm judging their life experiences and preferences as "wrong" or demeaning?

GENTLE READER: Did we learn nothing from the way opening doors and yielding seats for ladies were stamped out?

Yes -- judging from the way Ladies First was replaced by Me First So Get Out of My Way, we learned nothing.

What we should have learned is: Do not reject courtesies; return them. And yes, Miss Manners appreciates the fact that you are trying.

But when you accept a dinner invitation and attempt to hijack the bill, you are rejecting the gentleman's hospitality. In contrast, when you invite them to your house, you are returning that hospitality.

We will let pass the crack about doing this only to satisfy a social obligation and not because you want to enjoy their company, although it does make Miss Manners wonder why you go out with them. But you could also initiate hospitality by inviting them to something for which you bought tickets or gave instructions that you should be given the bill. Self-respecting ladies have been doing that for generations.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to ask parents of newborn babies, "May I hold the baby"?

GENTLE READER: If you know the parents and are engaged in admiring the baby, yes; this is the proper alternative to grabbing. Miss Manners trusts that if you do not know the parents, you will neither ask nor grab, which would constitute kidnapping.

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