DEAR MISS MANNERS: There is a young man I met through mutual friends at college who has been asking me out. I considered him an acquaintance -- an acquaintance I had become increasingly unfond of.

He likes to be argumentative (I am sure he thinks of it more as intellectual debate), and I have actually found him rather offensive (although I am sure he does not know). I avoid arguing or disagreeing with him, and he now thinks that we have everything in common and lots to discuss.

He has asked me out to lunch/dinner, and it has not been easy to say no. He asks things like, are you free anytime this week? How do I tell someone, who may see me on campus not being busy, that I am available never?

On one occasion I made a move to avoid him (I didn't think it was that obvious), and he asked me about it later (I made up some mostly true excuse).

Do I need to tell him I don't like him, not even as a friend, leave me alone? (He is friends of some good friends of mine and I might have to see him sometimes if I want to see them). Miss Manners, how does a lady navigate this situation?

GENTLE READER: As a rule, Miss Manners does not care for discouraging unwanted suitors by a frank declaration of distaste.

Proponents of this technique argue that it is kinder than the conventional subterfuges that you have employed, because it is quick and final. But the natural temptation to supply reasons means that this quickly descends into insults. And the objects of such talks, having shown themselves insensitive to the euphemistic approach, often bring on their own doom by demanding reasons.

So while you must proceed to a more direct statement, Miss Manners hopes you will keep it civil as well as clear. Say merely, "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested." Should he attempt to pursue the topic, you should repeat, "I don't know, but I am really not interested. Goodbye."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been invited to a baby shower for a friend's second child. The first one is just turning 2 years old. I always thought baby showers were for your first child and you used the baby items again for your second child. To me it seems they are begging for gifts.

My daughter claims this is the norm these days. What is your opinion?

GENTLE READER: That your daughter is right: Begging for gifts is normal these days. It is also vulgar, of course. You are also right that baby showers are supposed to be for the expectation of a baby's appearing in a household not already over-run with baby equipment.

But Miss Manners makes an exception for an informal gathering of the expectant mother's close friends who are moved to make a fuss over her a second -- or fifth -- time. However, the plea that a more formal gathering for the lady's entire acquaintance, complete with those detestable gift registries, would enable the guest of honor to parcel out her shopping is not charming.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was laid off after six years, it was not unexpected -- there had been a change of ownership over a year ago, and it was only a matter of time until the entire "old management team" was replaced. I was actually thankful, considering how unhappy I had been, and the fact that I'm now eligible for unemployment insurance.

But I found that a number of people with whom I worked -- people whom I felt were more than "just work friends" -- have completely ignored me, and have not sent any word, either directly or second-hand, about my departure. Nothing expressing regret, or sadness, wishing me luck, or -- at a minimum -- saying how it was nice to work with me for so long.

One person in particular, who worked very closely with me for the entire time I was there, seems to have forgotten my existence. We have mutual friends who keep checking in with me, even asking me directly "Has she written you yet?" I hesitate to send messages through them, as it's not their place to get involved.

I also hesitate writing directly, for fear that my disappointment will show through, and instead of merely saying "It was a pleasure working with you," I'll somehow show my cards and express my own sadness, even though I know etiquette would rule this out.

Should I write? Perhaps just an innocuous holiday message, and see if she responds in kind? Or is this just my own selfish need for closure, and should I just write it off, knowing she was not the friend I thought she was?

GENTLE READER: She wasn't. Miss Manners can tell you that right now. But with today's workplace so riddled with pseudo-social customs and events, you are hardly the only one unable to distinguish your colleagues from your friends.

Did you see this lady socially, which is to say away from the workplace, not counting lunches, after-work drinks or work-related parties? Did you visit her home and did she visit yours?

You already know the answer to Miss Manners' ultimate test, which she suggests considering while still on the job: If you no longer worked at the same place, would the relationship continue?

Mind you, a colleague with whom you worked closely should have expressed appreciation for you when you left. That many neglect this, through callousness or irrational fear of contamination, is hurtful and rude.

But that those who have been thrown together through work should soon after lose interest in people whom they no longer see daily, and with whom they no longer have such common subjects as work and office gossip, is understandable. They were never really friends.

So while Miss Manners agrees that your colleague should have acknowledged your departure, she can relieve you of the bitterness of thinking that you have been deserted by a friend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a specific time in which a bride has to acknowledge wedding gifts with thank you notes?

GENTLE READER: When they arrive. Not, as arrogant rumors put it, a year later, when the giver has forgotten the purchase and remembers only the ingratitude. And not when she is miraculously no longer "busy," a time period that Miss Manners has never known to arrive.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I foolishly did something I should not have. I'm very embarrassed to have made such an error, and of course have rectified the situation. Honestly, it was pretty minor.

Unfortunately, the wronged party sent me a very self-righteous, negative e-mail that was full of anger at my rudeness in committing said error. If it had been a nice or even neutral letter informing me of the rudeness/error of my ways, in response, I would have apologized profusely, bent over backwards to admit I was wrong, vowed to make amends and apologized once more.

Unfortunately, the appalling nature of the e-mail makes my usual profuse apology stick in my throat.

What is my obligation in this situation? Am I obligated to apologize, if not profusely? What should my tone be? How do I get over my resistance to apologizing to appalling people?

Usually, if anyone sent me such an unpleasant rude letter I'd ignore it, or demand that the letter-writer never ever take that tone with me again. Then I'd tell my friends about the irony of being accused of rudeness by such a rude person. But I am in the wrong here, and I feel very guilty about that.

GENTLE READER: There are two people here who harbor the mistaken notion that one rudeness cancels out another:

The person you injured felt entitled to be rude to you in return for your rudeness. And now you are toying with the notion that this person's rudeness cancels out yours so that you needn't apologize fully, if at all.

So as long as everyone is rude, no one needs to worry about it -- is that your idea?

Miss Manners is sorry, but it does not work that way. You did something wrong, and therefore you owe an apology. It is only fair to allow the other person to experience the guilt of his or her own transgression.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I want to "be there" for friends who might need me, but I resent being used by someone who is bored.

I received a call from a friend who said: "I'm driving to Chicago and I'm bored so I thought I would call." It is too easy to say she is not a friend.

I would find it rude to say "I am not bored" and hang up. And perhaps, ruder still to answer the phone and say, "Hi, if you are calling to fill time, please tell me so upfront.

Sometimes it takes a few minutes to realize that the caller is trying to "fill" time (and I'm "it"). So, it would seem awkward to say, at that time, I'm busy; may I call you back?" This happens with some frequency, which is why I am looking for a concrete response, please.

GENTLE READER: That first example is easy. You just say, in a tone of alarm, "I can't talk to you now! You might get in an accident! You might get arrested!"

It is the person who is nattering on without declaring a purpose who causes the problem. If it is someone with whom you do sometimes enjoy chatting, but you happen to be busy at the time of the call, Miss Manners assures you that it is not rude to say, "Good talking to you, but I'm afraid I have to go now." For others, there is that nice little box on the telephone that warns you who is calling.

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