DEAR MISS MANNERS: Ever since I can remember, the salad plate and bread-and-butter plate are on the left side of the dinner plate. But at a wedding rehearsal dinner in an Italian restaurant, where there were eight tables each seating 10 people, everyone (I mean everyone) used the bread and butter pate on the right side (which I thought should have been the plate used by one's neighbor sitting to your right).

Is this plate change something new? I used the plate on my left and confused my whole table. It has bothered me ever since it happened.

GENTLE READER: You are not the first to imagine that the Etiquette Council has nothing better to do than to annoy the public by making arbitrary and meaningless changes in minor customs.

"They've been turning to the left for too long, and they're getting complacent," one of our noble profession is presumed to have remarked. "Let's make them switch to the right."

Amid the giggles and shouts of "Oh, goody," a serious member would point out that this would crowd the right side, where the glasses are put, so should the glasses be moved to the left?

But no, it would be more fun to watch people spilling their drinks into their bread, so it would be decided to make only the one switch and leave the other for later.

All right, you didn't imagine this. You were just dumbfounded that 80 people could all get it wrong.

So is Miss Manners, although she realizes that all it takes is to have one person reach for the wrong plate, thereby forcing everyone to find that only the plate on the wrong side was available. Even 80 wrongs don't make it right.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to wear black to funerals because it suits my mood, it's a useful social cue to clerks and waitresses not to be too chipper, and it's a way for the assembled group at the services to express their shared sense of loss for the deceased.

The trouble is, I'm likely to out-do the close friends and family of the dearly departed, who seem to want to wear flowers and pastels, with the idea, "He would have wanted us to be happy and celebrate his life." (Personally, I rather want my loved ones to be distraught at my funeral, but to each her own.) Is it in poor taste to dress more somberly than the family of the deceased at a funeral? Is it akin to ordering from the bottom of the menu when your host has ordered from the middle?

GENTLE READER: Unless you are talking about a mistress festooning herself with black veils and crepe in an attempt to outdo the widow, Miss Manners cannot condemn wearing mourning to a funeral. (And she is with you in the hope that her own death would not be greeted cheerfully.)

If the family chooses not to follow the accepted dress code, for whatever reason, it cannot expect others to violate it as well.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: For 20-some years, I have been annoyed by the seemingly universal habit here of people standing cheek-to-jowl with the folks who are checking out ahead of them at retail stores.

I have actually been pushed and shoved by people behind me. Once a woman ran her shopping cart over my heels in her haste. I am youngish, and, I think, reasonably alert; it is not as if I am doddering over coupons or fumbling for my wallet.

Well, today when I was checking out, I found a man at my elbow. He was almost touching my left shoulder (like within half an inch) and in instinctive avoidance reaction, I found that I had had to move several inches away, which made using the ATM appliance awkward, as it was then several inches to my left. My temper boiled over. I told him that standing closer to the register wouldn't hurry things along. I told him he was invading my space and that I didn't want him standing that close.

Needless to say, we exchanged a few snippy remarks -- he seemed incensed that I would take exception to his violation of my space.

I know that Miss Manners would coach me to say, "Excuse me sir, but I would appreciate your not attempting to stand so close -- I am feeling quite uncomfortable with your proximity." But what I want to know is, do you think I was out of line in even saying anything?

GENTLE READER: Just what did you accomplish by speaking out?

Did this person recognize his mistake, apologize and learn from it?

Yet such responses are often reported with pride, as if the result had been something other than turning an accidental annoyance into a nasty public scene.

It has not escaped Miss Manners' notice that you give something of a prissy turn to what you imagine she would say. A simple "Excuse me, sir, could you please give me a little more room?" said pleasantly, would have done.

The important point is that in addition to being polite, it works. Attacked with accusations such as the evil sounding "invading space," people always fight back. If given a face-saving way to retreat, they generally do. So your choice is not nasty or nothing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If someone is in your home and accidentally breaks something, how should you handle it?

I said you let is go because the person is far more important than the item or the cost of it.

My friend feels that they need to pay for it or replace it. This started with a broken plate. She has been stewing about it for weeks. I would have forgiven and let it go when it happened. We spent some time talking about the value of items and the parental responsibility if a child does the breaking. We are best friends and agreed to disagree, but I am bothered by the issue. What would you do?

GENTLE READER: As breaker, break-ee, or parent of breaker?

In the unlikely event that Miss Manners or someone under her charge broke something, she would insist on replacing it. If a guest broke something of hers, she would insist that they not do so. It seems that you and your friend are both reacting properly.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dating a man for 2-1/2 years. His wife passed away 6-1/2 years ago. I knew both of them for 30 years.

He continues to refer to his deceased wife as "MY WIFE." He brings her up in every situation to tell a story of what happened in his past. I had to ask him to stop bringing her name up in the bedroom.

I love this man. Is that normal ? Does he bring her up because at one time we were friends? He knows that it bothers me.

GENTLE READER: Why he does this, Miss Manners cannot say. Probably habit, but possibly a warning that the position of wife is not open. But she can tell you how to make him stop.

"You know, dear," you can interject the next time, "it seems disrespectful to poor Catherine Ann for you and me to talk about her here in the bedroom."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were already engaged when we found out I was pregnant last year. We had a quickly planned wedding that was very nice but had very little to do with us. It was mostly a way of keeping the peace with our rather conservative families.

Because of the short notice of our wedding, many of our closest friends who live all over the country were unable to attend. My husband and I would very much like to celebrate with these people.

We aren't sure what we should do. We considered having an anniversary party, but celebrating two years seems rather premature. Should we have a "second" wedding reception that gives enough notice to our friends who have to travel? Is it too late for that? We want absolutely no gifts, just a chance to acknowledge our marriage with our friends. Thoughts?

GENTLE READER: It is the thoughts that such a party would arouse in your guests with which you should be concerned. A party honoring yourselves but removed in time from its cause is bound to suggest that you are trolling for wedding presents.

It is not that Miss Manners disapproves of your gathering your friends; only of your naming it as an occasion it is not. Throw as gala a party as you like, and during it, you and your husband can toast your guests by saying that you would have wished to celebrate your wedding with them, but are even happier to do so while you are living happily ever after.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have built our dream home and now are in the process of furnishing it. To my utter exasperation and incredulity, my husband says that he doesn't want any tables (side or centre) in the family room, as he wants free range to horseplay with the children.

The room is quite large (so space is not an issue), we are well within our budget (so his opposition is not financial), and I have suggested wood tables as opposed to glass ones if safety is his concern.

He still refuses. I am upset because I feel it is inappropriate to entertain guests and ask them to put their glasses, cups and plates on the floor, but my husband seems to see nothing wrong with this.

Am I being fussy? Is it commonplace to have no tables in the family room? This seemingly innocuous matter is turning into a contentious issue between us.

GENTLE READER: This is not the home furnishings department, but if Miss Manners can save a marriage, she feels she should.

Put out folding tables when you expect guests.

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