DEAR MISS MANNERS: Of course, the proper reply to the all too common sneeze is a cultural issue. But many people are insulted if one does not provide the common English expression of "Bless you" or "God bless you" addressed to one who sneezes.

Yet there is no basis or known origin for this often-expected reply.

My argument is that one who sneezes should be asking others to "please excuse me" for propelling one's germs and other body fluids into our shared space. However, almost never do I experience an "excuse me."

The situation is made worse by being in the presence of someone with a cold or other condition that causes for repeated sneezing. Am I really to be expected to issue a blessing each and every time someone sneezes?

I am satisfied that someone would ask only once to be excused for having to sneeze for whatever cause, as I understand that they have a problem and that sneezes are often uncontrollable. Of course, taking measures to limit the exposure of the sneeze to others should be expected even more so than either a "blessing" or a "polite pardon" for one's uncontrollable discharge.

Seems to me that the only appropriate and expected response to a sneeze in public is for the sneezer to first and foremost cover up and, if appropriate, excuse oneself. Appropriate means not to interrupt others further by insisting to apologize and certainly not expecting that others would be asked to stop and provide a blessing each and every time a person sneezes.

What is the "socially acceptable to everyone etiquette" for dealing with a public sneezer?

GENTLE READER: Actually, there are many explanations of the origin of this ancient custom -- as superstitions about health or actual religious blessings -- which, Miss Manners supposes, validates your statement that its origin is unknown.

But such is the way with custom. There is no logical reason why sneezes are blessed and coughs are not, and that yawns call forth apologetic explanations but even less decorous physical reflexes are, by common understanding, ignored. Any such pronouncements generally turn out to be bogus or contested.

So people are still blessed at the first sneeze, and asked "Are you all right?" after a series.

But people get accustomed and even emotionally attached to this patchwork of odd little customs. This makes them difficult to change, and the prospect of changing them all to conform to a logical pattern is daunting.

Furthermore, opening the possibility of change brings out the worst in some people. Miss Manners would not like it to become common for sneezes to be met with cries of "Arghh! Get away from me!"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I went to use the rest room at a party given by close relatives, I found that it was clean, had toilet paper and soap, but that there was only one hand towel for all of us to dry our hands on. I was pretty concerned about this. The hosts have good incomes and are well educated.

GENTLE READER: But how were their guests educated? It has always puzzled Miss Manners that the only rule still vigorously obeyed even by rude people is a false one: It was apparently drummed into them that nobody is supposed to use the guest towels, not even guests.

Perhaps your hosts got fed up with the lack of use and provided for only the occasional person who actually washed his hands and didn't dry them with toilet paper or on a family bath towel.

But they should not have given up. As a close relative, you can emerge with wet hands and ask for a towel.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter recently sent out beautiful handmade invitations. Simply put, the invitations invite you to join me as I celebrate my 50th birthday. It gives the date, time and place and asks each guest to RSVP along with their choice of four entrees. That's it.

Last night, I ran into one of the invited guests and mentioned the upcoming party. Sadly, she told me that they would be unable to attend because "they couldn't afford it." Once my confusion had passed, I asked if she could afford "free." I explained that it was my party and that they were invited to be my guests.

I would never dream of throwing a party and expecting my guests to pay for themselves. In fact, I find the trend appalling. I can't imagine how a formal invitation could be so misunderstood. What am I missing?

GENTLE READER: You are missing the pitiful sight of Miss Manners sobbing, with her head on her desk. Has it really come to this -- that genuine hospitality has become so rare that people now expect any invitation to require payment?

The comparatively recent phenomenon of the annual adult birthday party is especially suspect. Mimicking the children's event, many people give such parties for themselves or their relatives, using the very attitude that parents are supposed to correct: It is my day and everyone has to defer to me.

A less pernicious version is when friends decide to take out the birthday celebrant. But that, too, has overtaxed participants when, without having a say in the costliness of the arrangements, they are expected to pay for their meals and contribute to the cost of the guest of honor's meal as well as to bring or to contribute to a present.

Compounding this is the decline in no-special-occasion entertaining at home. Because you are offering a choice of four meals, Miss Manners assumes that this party is being held in a restaurant. Some people now chiefly entertain in restaurants, assuming the costs of their guests, but it is also common for friends to share restaurant meals but pay their own way.

Both methods would be proper -- as long as everyone understands from the beginning which it is to be. But they rarely do. And unfortunately, experience teaches them that they are more likely than not being stuck with a bill.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the order for seating at a wedding for the groom's family as far as who sits in the closer order behind the groom's parents? Is it the groom's father's family first or is it the groom's mother's family first? What is traditional?

I know this is petty, but I am trying to prove a point.

GENTLE READER: No doubt. Incompatible relatives often seize on what they believe to be points of wedding etiquette to put one another down.

Miss Manners dislikes being drawn into such matters, and in this case, she can withdraw with a clear conscience because there is no tradition covering this: Etiquette couldn't care less.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My "first love" from my junior and senior years in high school was just heading off to Army boot camp when we broke up. Our break up wasn't terrible, but not a happy one to say the least.

About two years later, I called him because I wondered about his status, as the Middle East conflict was quite prevalent in the news. We spoke briefly and pleasantly, he explained he was getting married and was expecting with his fiancee.

I'm 23 now and in a wonderful and committed relationship going on three years. I also recently purchased a touch screen phone that I have yet to figure out completely. And so as fate would have it, the phone "purse dialed" the ex in question, causing him to call me back. We again spoke very briefly. (I was at work.) I suggested that we talk later in the day to catch up. He responded with, "I told you I was married, right?" I said I knew that and said he could call me if that would be comfortable. He said he would and that he wanted to chat a little more as well and asked what time he could call me.

He didn't call.

Am I allowed to call him? I have no intention of trying to break up his family. I just don't want to learn of his demise on the nightly news i.e., "A local soldier was laid to rest today..." We did have a very good relationship at one time and I just want to keep in touch. Is there any way to do this?

GENTLE READER: Not without the cooperation of the gentleman, who so far has evidenced no great enthusiasm for reconnecting. Until you allay his suspicion that you want to rekindle the romance or otherwise make trouble in his marriage, you will not know whether that -- or just lack of interest -- is the problem.

Your present approach has not accomplished this -- in fact, it has aroused suspicions in Miss Manners. And not just about how his number was on the screen when your new telephone self-dialed.

That is because your argument about his theoretical death in battle, while highly dramatic, is nonsensical. He could not notify you of his own death, and the only people to be informed in person by the military would be his immediate family. For his wife or parents to call you at such a time, you would have to be on very close terms.

If this is your intention, you can make it clearer with a letter or e-mail (so he can show to his wife) expressing your and your partner's interest in meeting his family.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is your opinion of engraved cocktail napkins with an event name and date? If you approve, should they be reserved for occasions such as a wedding, luncheon or anniversary party? Or are they appropriate for any event?

An acquaintance of mine orders them for seemingly every function she hosts, including a "Summer Kegger" and a kindergarten ice cream pool party.

GENTLE READER: Presumably you mean printed paper napkins. Miss Manners doesn't care for paper napkins under any circumstances, nor for printed souvenirs, but she will not condemn them. It might call attention to her irrational fondness for monogrammed bed sheets.

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