DEAR MISS MANNERS: My "first love" from my junior and senior years in high school was just heading off to Army boot camp when we broke up. Our break up wasn't terrible, but not a happy one to say the least.

About two years later, I called him because I wondered about his status, as the Middle East conflict was quite prevalent in the news. We spoke briefly and pleasantly, he explained he was getting married and was expecting with his fiancee.

I'm 23 now and in a wonderful and committed relationship going on three years. I also recently purchased a touch screen phone that I have yet to figure out completely. And so as fate would have it, the phone "purse dialed" the ex in question, causing him to call me back. We again spoke very briefly. (I was at work.) I suggested that we talk later in the day to catch up. He responded with, "I told you I was married, right?" I said I knew that and said he could call me if that would be comfortable. He said he would and that he wanted to chat a little more as well and asked what time he could call me.

He didn't call.

Am I allowed to call him? I have no intention of trying to break up his family. I just don't want to learn of his demise on the nightly news i.e., "A local soldier was laid to rest today..." We did have a very good relationship at one time and I just want to keep in touch. Is there any way to do this?

GENTLE READER: Not without the cooperation of the gentleman, who so far has evidenced no great enthusiasm for reconnecting. Until you allay his suspicion that you want to rekindle the romance or otherwise make trouble in his marriage, you will not know whether that -- or just lack of interest -- is the problem.

Your present approach has not accomplished this -- in fact, it has aroused suspicions in Miss Manners. And not just about how his number was on the screen when your new telephone self-dialed.

That is because your argument about his theoretical death in battle, while highly dramatic, is nonsensical. He could not notify you of his own death, and the only people to be informed in person by the military would be his immediate family. For his wife or parents to call you at such a time, you would have to be on very close terms.

If this is your intention, you can make it clearer with a letter or e-mail (so he can show to his wife) expressing your and your partner's interest in meeting his family.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is your opinion of engraved cocktail napkins with an event name and date? If you approve, should they be reserved for occasions such as a wedding, luncheon or anniversary party? Or are they appropriate for any event?

An acquaintance of mine orders them for seemingly every function she hosts, including a "Summer Kegger" and a kindergarten ice cream pool party.

GENTLE READER: Presumably you mean printed paper napkins. Miss Manners doesn't care for paper napkins under any circumstances, nor for printed souvenirs, but she will not condemn them. It might call attention to her irrational fondness for monogrammed bed sheets.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The other day, I was walking into a coffee shop as a man was walking out. His hands were full balancing three cups of coffee, so I held the door open for him. Two other men followed behind him and one said to me, "Don't you just love equal rights?"

Not long ago, a man in the office where I work was coming through a door behind me while he carried a heavy paper box, and I held the door for him. He made such a big deal out of it ("Wow, this is the first time a woman has ever held the door for me!") that for a second I wished I had just let the door slam back in his face.

This just seems like a matter of common courtesy to me.

Why can't they just say thank you instead of trying to make it into some kind of gender role issue?

GENTLE READER: They are not responsible for injecting gender into this; that was done centuries ago. And while Miss Manners agrees that they were being tedious, at least they were not being rude -- as you were tempted to be.

Gender was injected into precedence when chivalry came up with Ladies-First to replace Out-of-My-Way-I'm-Important-and-You're-Not. But in a shocking oversight, the new principle was not applied to such other areas as money and power.

In the 20th century, some feminists attempted to make a trade -- forgoing minor courtesies for major gains. As it turned out, they were instantly successful in having the courtesies dropped, but somewhat less so in making the gains.

Unfortunately, courtesy was lacking on both sides. When gentlemen attempted to follow the courtesies they had been used to, they were often treated as if they had offered an insult, and were insulted in return.

Apparently, it is payback time. Miss Manners asks you to bear with it while it lasts, which can't be much longer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to a "gift card shower" for "a wonderful couple to celebrate their marriage and their new home."

There was no party or get-together. Instructions on the invitation indicated that this was a surprise and that those wishing to participate should send a gift card (from various retail stores listed) to the couple's new home address.

This young couple had a very small wedding several years ago and asked that no parties or wedding showers be given for them. Is this gift card shower something new?

GENTLE READER: For some time now, people who see their guests as sources of income and dry goods have been trying to eliminate what they believe to be the downside: actually seeing the guests, and supplying them with refreshments.

Eliminating that from social life has occurred to more than one such fundraiser. What Miss Manners fails to understand is why anyone would want to comply.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a football game, I was standing in a tunnel with a group of people waiting to go to our seats while the National Anthem played. There was a woman who looked to be battling some kind of cancer that kept her hat on during the song. A man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and told her she needed to show respect for the country and remove her hat.

A few people came to her defense, but he was adamant, so the woman complied. After she removed her hat, it was definitely obvious that she had just gone through chemotherapy.

The woman was upset by all of this, but to her credit, she stood tall and stared the man in the eye while the song played. I thought this guy was out of line and nobody should have to be humiliated in that manner. What would you do in that situation?

GENTLE READER: Rescue the hapless lady, of course. In this case, it would be particularly easy, because the rudeness was compounded by ignorance.

"I beg your pardon, sir," Miss Manners would have said to he who had given her an opening by broaching the topic in public. "I am afraid you are unfamiliar with correct behavior. It is not proper for ladies to remove their hats to show respect for the flag; that rule applies only to gentlemen. And gentlemen are supposed to show respect to ladies."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm in a quandary regarding how to deal with my very sensitive, very patronizing yet very loving and generous father. We have had times of estrangement in our relationship, both by choice and by circumstance, but have finally come to a place in both our lives where we would rather agree to disagree on certain topics than not have the other person in our lives.

My father is overseas for years at a time due to his work, and when he is, he insists (and I do mean *insists*) that he contribute to my economy since he cannot be here in person to provide day-to-day interpersonal support.

I expressed my gratitude at his generosity and have tried to reciprocate in ways that I can afford, i.e., run errands for him in the States, buy and ship things to him he cannot get overseas, interact with my grandparents (his parents) on his behalf during the inevitable crises that come with the elderly.

Generally, we have a good relationship now, but he is constantly throwing in my face comments about how I've finally become an adult, "Welcome to the adult world," "Isn't being an adult fun?", etc. If I were 20 or even 23, I could see his need to comment so frequently (maybe).

I am, however, 34 and have been supporting myself (with occasional help) since I was 21. I have owned and sold my own home. I have purchased all three of my cars on my own. Etc, etc, etc. His comments are beginning to grate on me, but I know if I say anything, it will turn into a verbal fistfight.

GENTLE READER: Patronizing? But he is your pater!

You make an impressive case for being mature, accepting family responsibility as well as financial responsibility. You say your relationship with your father is good.

So why, Miss Manners wonders, are you bristling? Part of maturity is the ability to understand that parents are ever amazed that their children grow up -- and to let trivial things pass for the sake of family harmony.

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