DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as a cashier during the Christmas season, and I often wish my customers "Happy holidays." Sometimes customers get all offended and reply with something like "I choose to celebrate Christmas," or they go into this long angry rant about the use of the word Christmas.

Am I wrong? "Happy holidays" is more of a habit for me than "Merry Christmas." I mean it as a gesture of good will, and am rather hurt to be yelled at for my choice of words.

GENTLE READER: But they mean it as a gesture of -- well, of what? The spirit of Christmas? Their interpretation of the proper Christian attitude toward those who wish them well?

Miss Manners realizes that those who deal with the public will encounter some nastiness, which professionalism requires them to ignore. But please do not allow the misuse of religion to browbeat others to make you doubt yourself. "Happy holidays" is the general greeting because, as you know, not all your customers are Christian, but they all do get legal holidays for Christmas and New Year's Day.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a family friend who is, I think, in nearly all things, a model of etiquette. Yet, there is one habit she has that I find to be somewhat off-the-mark.

On a few occasions, she has invited me and members of my family to her home for holiday and birthday gatherings, and each time, she has insisted that we do not bring gifts. Yet, on each occasion, she has gifts for us.

One time, I ignored her request not to bring gifts -- since I enjoy giving gifts on holidays and would love to give to her as well -- and she seemed genuinely displeased by my failure to follow her directive.

Am I wrong to be offended by her behavior, from which I glean roughly the following message: "You should be so lucky as to receive a gift from me, but please do not fill my house with your useless junk?"

GENTLE READER: Could you possibly put a harsher interpretation on the motives of someone who entertains your family?

It is true that some people who are gracious about giving can be less gracious about receiving. This is not pleasant, but at least better than the reverse. Your friend may be over-reacting against the invitations-with-registry practice so unfortunately common today.

But of course you want to reciprocate. Miss Manners' question is: Do you?

That is, do you reciprocate this lady's hospitality by entertaining her? If not, the presents you bring might strike her as intended to be payment in full for what should be repaid in kind.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece just graduated and we received an announcement. What was puzzling was the fact that there was an empty, stamped self addressed smaller envelope inside. Nothing else. Is this rude, or just me?

GENTLE READER: Don't you think she was hoping for news of you, and wanted to save you the trouble of looking up her address and the cost of the postage?

At any rate, that is the way you should use the envelope. Miss Manners hopes you do not think so little of your niece to suspect that she intended you to fill the envelope with money.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette for when you pour gravy or a sauce from a gravy bowl (it has a spout) and the gravy is dripping off the side of the spout? Do you wipe it off with your napkin, leave it there to drip, lick it off (ha!) or wipe it off with your finger or what?

Should the gravy bowl (with the spout -- I don't even know what they're called) have a plate under it to catch the drips? What if the table cloth is white and there isn't a plate underneath?

GENTLE READER: It is called a gravy boat or sauce boat, and, like any boat, it poses hazards.

Miss Manners would think it in the interest of the host to provide the usual under-liner. Regardless, it is in the interest of the guest not to make a spectacle of himself by dribbling gravy.

But that includes dribbling it onto the napkin. Try turning the spout slightly sideways after pouring, as if it were a wine bottle. If that doesn't work, use your knife to remove whatever gravy is coming down the side. And if that doesn't work, quick, pass the gravy boat to your dinner partner.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Someone at church or wherever will ask where I will be spending Christmas. In fact, I have no particular plans, and I don't want to invent some, in case this is a prologue to an invitation.

Usually, no invitation is extended, but the speaker is not happy with my being alone. So he or she will ask why I won't be with my father. My sister? My aunt? Don't I have any cousins?

I have not forgotten that these relatives exist. For reasons that I really do not want to explain (work schedules, geography and the realities of family relationships), I won't be with any of them. It becomes miserable.

Well, had I considered hosting a dinner? Gathering up a compatible table of folks is difficult even when it is not a holiday. A table made up of people with nothing in common but no place to go is not a good conversation. Soup kitchens around here do not need any more new people coming to work that one day.

What can I say that will jolt folks enough to make them stop suggesting the obvious but not be so abrupt that I lose any chance at an invitation, if that is being considered?

GENTLE READER: Do you really want to spend the day with people who don't issue invitations until ascertaining that you have no alternative and can't be persuaded to seek one?

And wouldn't they be assembling exactly the sort of group of strays that you don't want to entertain?

Mind you, Miss Manners disagrees that such a gathering is bound to be dreary. With parties, as with romance, chance can sometimes produce more sparks than obvious suitability. So she has no qualms about telling you how to fish for an invitation.

"Unfortunately, I can't be with my family," you say with a sad but brave little smile. "And what are you doing?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are both fortunate to come from large families with whom we love to spend time, and do so frequently. We are also blessed to belong to more than one large circle of friends.

Consequently, we receive a fair number of invitations to various gatherings, from impromptu and very casual BBQs to more structured gatherings like birthday parties, weddings and dinner parties. We happily attend the vast majority.

When, for whatever reason, we cannot or would rather not attend, my contention is all that is required and expected is to say something to the effect of "Thank you for the invitation, we'd love to be there but we can't make it. Perhaps another time."

I find it unpleasant to be grilled by the inviter. If they continue to press, I'll say something like, "Well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings because you weren't also invited, but we're having dinner and drinks with the Queen of England." This usually gets the message across in a firm but humorous way.

My wife insists it's rude not to offer a specific excuse why we won't be there, and if we'd simply rather not go, to make up an imaginary excuse.

This baffles me, and has put me in an awkward spot more than once. The next time we talk to the inviters, one will say something like "Oh, how did Jack do in his game?"

Because I don't know or don't remember that was the excuse we used, I'll answer truthfully that Jack's season ended weeks ago. When they say "Oh, we thought that was why you couldn't come to the party last week," I'll have to stammer something about an imaginary postseason all-star game or the like.

My wife believes the closer we feel to the inviter, the more elaborate the explanation we are required to offer. I agree we can't just say, "No, sorry," but the multi-layered excuse, especially if it's partially or completely untrue, is totally over the top and can backfire.

GENTLE READER: On the principles, Miss Manners is entirely with you. Ahead of you, actually, because she has always declared specific excuses to be unnecessary when one promptly and graciously declines by expressing regret. False excuses contain their own punishment.

Also, she does not regard most invitations as summonses, and reassures those who claim they feel guilty that they are perfectly at liberty to decline.

But in etiquette, as in law, one must be wary of applying general rules without knowing the particular circumstances. If the occasion is a truly important one for someone extremely close -- Christmas with the family, your sister's wedding, your best friend's funeral -- you are not going to get away with mere expressions of regret and jokes. If you don't have an honest excuse that you can explain, then you just have to attend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend told me that I scrape my fork with my teeth sometimes when I'm eating. I had no idea I was doing this, and it's a completely unconscious behavior. Since then, I have tried to be aware of it and stop, since I'm sure it is an annoying sound.

But frequently when we're eating together, he'll point out that I'm scraping. Sometimes this is simply "Honey? Fork," which annoys me to no end. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Stop scraping your fork. It is driving Miss Manners crazy, and she's not even at the table.

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