DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are both fortunate to come from large families with whom we love to spend time, and do so frequently. We are also blessed to belong to more than one large circle of friends.

Consequently, we receive a fair number of invitations to various gatherings, from impromptu and very casual BBQs to more structured gatherings like birthday parties, weddings and dinner parties. We happily attend the vast majority.

When, for whatever reason, we cannot or would rather not attend, my contention is all that is required and expected is to say something to the effect of "Thank you for the invitation, we'd love to be there but we can't make it. Perhaps another time."

I find it unpleasant to be grilled by the inviter. If they continue to press, I'll say something like, "Well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings because you weren't also invited, but we're having dinner and drinks with the Queen of England." This usually gets the message across in a firm but humorous way.

My wife insists it's rude not to offer a specific excuse why we won't be there, and if we'd simply rather not go, to make up an imaginary excuse.

This baffles me, and has put me in an awkward spot more than once. The next time we talk to the inviters, one will say something like "Oh, how did Jack do in his game?"

Because I don't know or don't remember that was the excuse we used, I'll answer truthfully that Jack's season ended weeks ago. When they say "Oh, we thought that was why you couldn't come to the party last week," I'll have to stammer something about an imaginary postseason all-star game or the like.

My wife believes the closer we feel to the inviter, the more elaborate the explanation we are required to offer. I agree we can't just say, "No, sorry," but the multi-layered excuse, especially if it's partially or completely untrue, is totally over the top and can backfire.

GENTLE READER: On the principles, Miss Manners is entirely with you. Ahead of you, actually, because she has always declared specific excuses to be unnecessary when one promptly and graciously declines by expressing regret. False excuses contain their own punishment.

Also, she does not regard most invitations as summonses, and reassures those who claim they feel guilty that they are perfectly at liberty to decline.

But in etiquette, as in law, one must be wary of applying general rules without knowing the particular circumstances. If the occasion is a truly important one for someone extremely close -- Christmas with the family, your sister's wedding, your best friend's funeral -- you are not going to get away with mere expressions of regret and jokes. If you don't have an honest excuse that you can explain, then you just have to attend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend told me that I scrape my fork with my teeth sometimes when I'm eating. I had no idea I was doing this, and it's a completely unconscious behavior. Since then, I have tried to be aware of it and stop, since I'm sure it is an annoying sound.

But frequently when we're eating together, he'll point out that I'm scraping. Sometimes this is simply "Honey? Fork," which annoys me to no end. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Stop scraping your fork. It is driving Miss Manners crazy, and she's not even at the table.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dealing with a serious hip condition, and this summer it was time to have surgery so that I would ultimately be able to walk and function normally again. At first, I wasn't sure how widely I was going to share the news of my plans, but after reading about the healing process, I learned it is good to have a support group of caring people keeping me in mind throughout my process and sending positive thoughts and prayers.

So I shared my plans with my (14) relatives and a few (4) close friends and (6) neighbors, plus the guy I work with, and (10) social message board friends. These are people I have regular contact with, most for multiple years, and in the not-too-distant past have sent greeting cards of many varieties to, including birthday, graduation, sympathy, new baby, hospital/get well, sorry your dog died, congrats on new venture, Christmas, etc. All these people are also well aware that I have had a hip problem for many years.

When I went through my mail after the surgery, I discovered there was not one get-well greeting card in the bunch. Not a one!

I was quite surprised, and frankly quite disappointed that having major surgery was not reason enough for any of the closest people in my life to send me a card. I have been home and continuing my recuperation for nearly a month now, and still no one has sent me a card.

It has been one of the most disappointing experiences of my life, and has me questioning whether I will ever send a greeting card to any one of them again for any reason.

I need to know, Miss Manners ... has it become taboo to send a get well greeting card? Is this the new norm, and hence why so many greeting card stores are closing? Am I over-reacting?

If I don't come to some understanding soon, I'm afraid I'm going to harbor a certain level of resentment toward all these people for a long time to come. Would you please be so kind as to provide some perspective?

GENTLE READER: It may be possible to alter your perspective somewhat, but Miss Manners despairs of being able to erase the basic hurt. How she wishes she could.

You are focused on the sending of greeting cards, which may well be on the decline. There are so many other, quicker ways now to send good wishes, which do not involve pawing through cards to find what one could more charmingly have written out by hand.

The hurtful thing is that people dropped sending cards without replacing the intent, which is to show that they cared. But truly caring, in such a case, requires more than sending messages by whatever means. Calls, inquiries, visits -- with all the time people now devote to their virtual "friends," surely they could be attending to the real people to whom they should be connected.

But now you have Miss Manners brooding, too, and that doesn't do much good. Perhaps you could help change things by telling your non-correspondents that you are now better and are eager to have news of them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I enjoy eating dinner with our children at home most nights. The children are generally charged with setting the table and clearing plates, and an issue has arisen relating to spoons.

I urge the children to include a spoon in the place setting, but then (perhaps unreasonably), I counsel against its use. This generates much eye-rolling from my husband, who believes that it is appropriate to use one's spoon to eat such things as peas that are difficult to eat with a fork.

My children have asked me to explain the point of putting a spoon on the table if they aren't going to be allowed to use it. I tell them they can use the spoon for their dessert, but that seems a less than satisfactory answer given that dessert is rarely part of our evening meals.

Should I tell them to stop including spoons in the place setting, or should I give in and allow them to use their spoons to eat their dinners? Or should I continue my unreasonable practice of insisting on spoons but not permitting their use?

GENTLE READER: When you figure out why you want a spoon on the table while prohibiting its use, be kind enough to explain your reasoning to Miss Manners. Makes no sense to her.

Not that she is siding with your husband. Grown-ups eat their main courses with forks and knives, which she supposes he would do if the spoon were not lying around being useless.

In spite of its mean reputation, etiquette does not lay such traps. A correctly set table contains exactly the implements with which to eat the food that will be served, and places them in the order (outside to inside on both sides of the plate) in which they are to be used.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have several lovely pieces of jewelry, including a very expensive watch, given to me by my ex-husband during happier times. What do I do now?

GENTLE READER: Enjoy them as best you can, whether that means wearing them or selling them or tossing them. Broken engagements require the return of valuable love tokens, as Miss Manners keeps trying to persuade the broken-hearted. Broken marriages, however, do not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have lost several friends this year and wonder how to write a note on my holiday cards for the surviving spouses. I know that they will not have happy holidays this year, so it seems inappropriate to wish that for them.

How can I express that I am thinking of them at a time of year that is sure to be sad when my card shows my happy family?

GENTLE READER: Presuming that you wrote your condolences at the time of the death, the mere sight of your pleasant-looking family portrait should not be offensive. Nor is it incompatible with your writing to the bereaved that you are thinking of them. You would hardly want to send them sad faces.

But Miss Manners agrees that if the picture or the greeting on your card is jolly or jokey, it should not be sent. A serious card, or simply a note on your writing paper, would be the way to show that you have not forgotten.

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