DEAR MISS MANNERS: A married couple, both good friends of mine, are going through a very rough time financially. Together, they made some bad decisions that led to their current financial situation; those decisions originated with her.

She periodically writes about her financial difficulties in her weblog, which I read. She also writes frequently about things such as new purchases, and her husband getting angry with her for buying more.

They're both deeply distressed by their situation. Unfortunately, she seems to use "retail therapy" to relieve her discomfort. My friends are both unhappy, and her coping mechanism makes the problem worse.

I am distressed by my friends' pain, and by the fact that my very bright friend seems to ignore the connection between spending and debt. It's not quite bubbling about new purchases and complaining about their finances on alternate days, but close.

I see two opposing choices: Be polite and keep quiet, or be caring and speak up. Is there a middle ground? Is it possible to offer unrequested advice without being offensive? If it makes a difference, what I want to suggest is that they see a debt counselor.

I do see the irony of requesting advice about unrequested advice.

GENTLE READER: You might also take a look at the irony, or rather the futility, of advising people who overspend that they would be better off financially if they spent less. Few of them reply, "Thank you, I hadn't thought of that; I'll try it."

True, you are suggesting that your friends buy this advice, presumably along with specific suggestions for cutting down. Some people do shape up when they are charged for being told.

But Miss Manners notices that your friend does not make such connections. And her husband has already critiqued her expenditures for free.

It should make it easier to refrain from offering unrequested advice to realize how unlikely it is to be followed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At what age are kids too old to go trick or treating?

Adults enjoy putting on costumes, and dressing up, but how many youngsters have a chance to attend costume parties?

My husband and I enjoy admiring cute tykes and their costumes, but have been just as accommodating to the older or larger trick or treaters as the cute little ones, even those who obviously made their own costumes from just cut or painted shirts and some face make up and carrying pillowcases (without trying to second-guess their ages or whether or not they expected a large enough "haul" to fill a pillow case).

My granddaughter said she wasn't going trick or treating this year, but she still wants to dress like a character she admires; so she is taking her little sister around the neighborhood.

Although the older sister is just 12, she is about 5 inches taller then me and a smidge taller than her mother and better developed then I ever was, so she would surely garner comments about being too old to trick or treat. But we don't think she is too old to also want a little fun!

GENTLE READER: Even more than she admires your attitude, Miss Manners appreciates the resourcefulness of your granddaughter. There could hardly be a better excuse for a post-tyke to dress up and go trick-or-treating than escorting a tyke or two. Etiquette hint: Let the little ones get their candy first.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a question regarding the following scenario:

Person A: Do you know where Main and 129th is?

Person B: Yes, I know where that is.

Person A: We're having a class alumni meeting at 7 p.m. tonight at Strawberry Hill Church.

Person B: OK.

Later on, Person B realizes that they can't make the meeting. Person B decides to send Person A an e-mail. In the e-mail, Person B tells Person A that they can't make the alumni meeting and would Person A let them know what went on at the meeting and when the next meeting will be.

Person A never responds. Other people have heard from and spoken with Person A, but Person B has never heard from Person A again. Person B begins to feel that maybe sending Person A an e-mail wasn't the right thing to do.

GENTLE READER: Or maybe being such a smart aleck about receiving information was an annoying thing to do.

Miss Manners' guess is that Person A is understandably weary of Person B's lame humor of pretending not to understand the obvious meaning beneath literal questions and statements and has resolved not to be subjected to more of the same.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a freshman in college, and it frankly hasn't been the best experience of my life so far.

So far, I haven't made any new friends or done much at all outside of classes (I'm trying!). It's a little upsetting for me to think and talk about, but I suppose I cannot expect people to know that beforehand.

What should I say to non-close acquaintances such as my parents' friends when they ask how college is going? It would be painful to tell the truth and have them ask questions, but I don't want to talk about imaginary friends either.

GENTLE READER: The purpose of such questions is not to probe into your social or emotional life. It is to start a conversation, or, more likely, to give the questioner an opportunity to say something about his or her own college experience.

Therefore Miss Manners recommends an all-purpose opener such as, "Well, it's not exactly a breeze, but it's interesting."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a wedding and dinner. The wedding had been planned for months, and I was not originally invited, nor did I expect to be. I do not know the bride or the groom, and know the bride's mother casually at best.

I was invited, along with other casual friends, because there had been a number of cancellations to the wedding, and the dinners were going to be wasted.

I agreed to go to fill a seat, so to speak. In this situation, should I take a wedding gift since I don't know the bride, groom, or most of their families? The happy couple own their own home and have lived together for years.

GENTLE READER: Why are you going to this wedding, since you hardly know the people involved? Supernumeraries are paid to fill out professional exhibitions, Miss Manners has heard, but weddings are supposed to be attended by those with some emotional tie to the families concerned.

You have already accepted, however, which requires you to behave like a wedding guest. Your present can be small, but you should send (not take) one.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: You could assist an entire profession if you would advise undergraduates on how to compose e-mail messages to their professors.

Like my colleagues, I've received peremptory messages from undergraduates, even entering freshmen, the tone of which might have been used by an aristocrat to a particularly lax and unpleasant waiter. After the remonstrances, there's often a transparent attempt at manipulation, as in "Have a great weekend!" or "Thanks in advance for your understanding."

I want to be available to my students, but I don't want to be addressed as if I were their employee. Can you give them some suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Certainly. Miss Manners regrets that Deportment is no longer graded. Here is what a polite student would write:

"Dear Professor Wise,

"I regret that because of a tragedy in my family, I must ask you for an extension on the paper that is due on Friday. My beloved grandmother has died, and my presence has been urgently requested in Aspen, not only to attend her funeral but to deal with matters concerning her estate. I expect to be able to return here within two weeks, and could certainly deliver the paper before Thanksgiving break or, so as not to burden you with it during the holiday, soon after.

"Let me say what a privilege it is to hear your lectures and how much I hate to have to miss even one of them. Please accept my apologies for this regrettable absence.

"Yours sincerely,

"Luke Loggle

"P.S. I don't want to impose on you with my family troubles, but you should know that this not the same grandmother who passed away at Stowe earlier in the semester. Owing to my parents' remarriages, I am blessed with several."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family was invited to a Halloween party with an invitation that mentioned a gift registry at a local store, recommending that everyone look at it for gift ideas. It looks like a wedding registry or something for a birthday, covering everything from household goods to entertainment wants.

I would understand bringing a gift to a birthday party, anniversary party or even a dinner party, but I have never heard of bringing a gift to a Halloween costume party. Is this rude to expect a gift, or is it polite to bring a gift for the host no matter what type of party it is?

GENTLE READER: You are on that slippery slope along with your greedy friends, Miss Manners is sorry to say. Like them, you see nothing wrong with asking to be given presents; your only quibble is whether this applies to Halloween parties.

No -- "hostess gifts" are not considered obligatory except for overnight stays, although many people now feel that handing over a bottle of wine exempts them from reciprocating a dinner invitation.

Even more widespread is the practice of ordering one's own presents. Since you have accepted this vulgar practice, you should not be surprised that it keeps spreading.

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