DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a student who really takes her studies seriously. I am academically inclined and enjoy learning, and so I do a lot of extra reading on my own time. Unfortunately, this puts me in an awkward situation: I often notice my teachers' errors.

I never know whether or not I should say anything. It's rude to correct people, and I don't want to seem like a bratty know-it-all. But at the same time, it pains me to see my fellow students taking down and memorizing information that I know to be factually inaccurate.

Is there a way to alert my teachers to their (sometimes distressingly frequent) errors without seeming rude and disrespectful? Or should I just sit silent and sigh to myself?

GENTLE READER: No, speak up. Socially, it is rude to correct others. In the classroom, where the pursuit of knowledge is the goal, this might be considered your duty.

But watch out.

The greatest danger is not that you will be insulting your teacher. It is that you will confidently announce a correction from a source that your teacher, who is presumably more widely read in the field, knows is discredited.

Miss Manners is far from saying that teachers are always right. The best of them can make mistakes, and the very best of them would think well of a student astute enough to uncover a mistake.

But books, also, can contain mistakes. Scholarship is constantly being revised in the light of old errors, new discoveries and novel theories. She therefore advises you to put your information in the form of a question, stating the book in which you read it and asking if different sources disagree on the point.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have discovered that I have fallen into the habit of over-apologizing. I seek to always be polite and to keep my social interactions pleasant and smooth, but I have become quick to drop an "I'm sorry" for things that are clearly not my fault or have not inconvenienced anyone. For example, someone stepping on my foot or dropping my own handbag several feet away from any passersby.

I have been trying to substitute "Excuse me" as much as possible, but could you please suggest other things I may say to minimize my apologies? I am beginning to feel that the sheer excess is starting to diminish my sincerity, and that would make me truly... sorry.

GENTLE READER: Here is your new vocabulary:

"Oops." And its slightly merrier variation: "Whoops!" And "Ow" if someone steps on your foot, in which case that person gets to make the apology.

The first two have a certain insouciant charm, as opposed to the unnecessary breast-beating you have been practicing. If you insist on something longer, Miss Manners offers you "Oh, dear, I'm so clumsy" when you drop something.

Much as etiquette appreciates apologies, you mustn't wear them out. Save them for when you do something truly dreadful, and then use them to wear other people out until they give up and forgive you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at a loss as to how to handle my ex-husband's girlfriend. She and my husband were together many times before the end of our marriage, and I see her as a home-wrecker in the least and unprintable names at the worst.

I am forced to be civil to my ex because of our son, but am I also required to acknowledge her? In the next few weeks, we will be at the same soccer game together, and I don't know what to do or say to her, nor how to handle the inevitable meeting on the sidelines to congratulate my son.

GENTLE READER: The term "home wrecker" has always puzzled Miss Manners. She has no wish to defend the people to whom it is applied, but surely home wrecking cannot be accomplished without a permit from one of the homeowners. Yet marital wrath is often stronger toward the outsider than against the insider who allowed her in.

True, you say you are civil to your former husband only for the sake of your son, which is a wise course to take. But don't you realize how devastating it would be to your son to use the public occasion of his game to demonstrate your contempt for his father's companion?

Besides, you have an additional reason to be civil to her. That is that you want to make her feel terrible.

If you cut her or, worse, say something cutting, you will broadcast the impression that you are either ill natured or devastated or both. This will only confirm any notion she holds that your former husband was justified in leaving you and that she has secured a prize that you -- with your longer experience of what he is like -- still want.

If, however, you are able to be cheerful and cordial, you will broadcast the impression that you are not only good-natured, but happy to be relieved of the burden she has assumed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine recently borrowed an automobile for a period of two days. When she picked it up, the gas tank was almost empty. Before returning it, she felt obliged to fill the tank completely -- at a significant cost, given today's gasoline prices.

I was of the opinion that her only obligation was to return the vehicle in the condition it was received -- including the amount of gasoline.

If it were taken with a full tank, it should be returned with a full tank. However, although it might be a nice gesture or expression of thanks to fill the tank, the price seems like a steep price to pay to borrow someone's car for a short period of time.

Is there a special rule for this situation, or does it fall under the general principal to treat loaned items with care and return them in the same condition in which they were received?

GENTLE READER: But things are not the same as they were before the loan was made, Miss Manners insists. The car is two days older, with more mileage, and its owner has been without it for two days.

We therefore must recognize that a favor has been done, and, therefore, that your friend is in the car owner's debt.

But how does one pay such a debt?

Money is out of the question; that would insult a generosity by turning it into a car rental. A return favor is owed, but it may be some time before the opportunity for such presents itself.

So your friend has done something thoughtful in the meantime. Why do you grudge this?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My younger brother (45 years old) is getting married for the third time. After his first divorce was final, he married a woman he had known for less than three months.

His second divorce was final two weeks ago, and he will soon marry another woman who he has known for less than four months. He has three teenage sons -- shared custody with their Mom (the first wife). No children from marriage No. 2, and the newest woman has children in their 20s.

He and newest woman want a big wedding, and I am refusing to attend, as I believe the sanctity of marriage is a joke as far as my brother is concerned. I am also appalled at the role model he is setting for his three sons. History has proven he is more interested in "the thrill of the kill" than being a husband. My mother is insisting that my husband and I go, just to keep peace in the family. I think that attending would be a sign that I agree with this "holy" matrimonial union. Is it rude of me not to go or am I being judgmental?

GENTLE READER: Could you manage to be judgmental without being rude?

That is to say, you are certainly free to judge this marriage to be doomed, as long as you are not rude enough to go public with this thought. You are free to talk it over within the family, as you have already done, but boycotting the wedding is a conspicuous insult. If you do not attend, Miss Manners hopes you will leave town so that your absence seems unavoidable.

And you should know that attending a wedding is not an endorsement of the union. If the guest list were a referendum on the future success -- or holiness -- of the marriage, weddings would be lonely events.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been a lector at my parish for about 20 years and am frequently complimented on the job that I do. However, I have long been at a loss as to how to respond.

On the one hand, I do work hard in advance to prepare the texts I am asked to read before the assembly (and I also teach literature, so I have a particular appreciation for the written word). On the other, I do truly believe that it is also a combination of my love for the texts and God's grace that help me to proclaim effectively and let God's light shine through when I read.

A simple "thank you" to the person complimenting me has never seemed enough. I would like to acknowledge that it's not all "me" at work here without making it sound like I am somehow special or singled out with a particular gift. Might you be able to help me articulate my thanks more effectively?

GENTLE READER: You are on dangerous ground here, as Miss Manners trusts that you realize. However well meant, attempts to share credit with God, such as one sometimes hears from victorious athletes, often come out sounding like bragging of being especially anointed.

That simple "thank you" would be enough, but you can add, "The text is so inspiring, don't you think?" This suggests that you were inspired, while acknowledging modestly that anyone would be.

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