DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I have been house- and dog-sitting for our friends. They were kind enough to leave us money for food and generous enough to offer the contents of their pantry.

After three nights staying there, we are increasingly suspicious that this couple may have a flea problem! We agreed to stay overnight with their dog for the next five nights, which, of course, we will do.

What is the least hurtful and embarrassing way to bring this likely (and itchy!) problem to their attention? Should we call them on vacation to get the dog to the vet, or should we wait for their return?

GENTLE READER: What would you do while you were waiting? Scratch?

As Miss Manners understands it, you were left in charge of their house and their dog. It is true that you should not be making structural changes in either without their permission. However, if you suspect that they might want to keep their fleas, you would probably not have agreed to housesit for them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Second to driving, I find that many of today's infractions on courtesy occur in the supermarket or retail centers. These places have the highest volume of people taking turns.

I was shopping with my infant son for a gift and stood at the service counter behind the second woman in line with her school-aged daughter. Another sales clerk came into the service counter, looked at me and said "I can help you over here."

Since the first woman checking out was almost done, I took my son to the other side and placed my purchase on the counter -- when the woman who was in front of me came over and pushed my purchase out of the way and said in a self-righteous manner, "I believe I was next."

I felt offended and embarrassed, and simply apologized out of being dumbfounded by her boldness. Then I was angry at myself for not being more assertive.

Was I wrong to perceive the clerk's invite as directed toward me and move to the opened register? If I were the person second in line, I do not think I would have even thought twice if the person behind me moved to the opened register.

GENTLE READER: Yes, you are wrong, but in your afterthought, rather than in your reaction at the time. Apparently, you now regret that you failed to contribute your share of supermarket rudeness to situation you began by deploring.

First come first served is such a well known convention that even if you were certain that the clerk was addressing you, you should have said, "I believe that this lady is ahead of me."

Notice that this is similar to the wording that the other shopper used; it is not in itself rude, although Miss Manners will take your word for the tone being unpleasant.

But after your mistake, you apologized, which was the polite thing to do. Had you been "more aggressive," as you now wish, you would have served as an answer to your own first question: There are many people who, like yourself, itch to escalate trivial infractions, or perceived infractions, into full-scale rudeness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was a young boy, my father stressed upon me that gentlemen shake hands -- always -- with the right hand - much like soldiers always salute with the right hand.

It presented a problem later in life when I was introduced to a man who had no right hand. He extended his left hand and, remembering what my father had taught me, I took it in my right hand.

Recently, I was reading Stephen King's "Duma Key." The central character, who is missing his right arm, says that the person he has just met has mistakenly used his right hand to shake the character's left hand. He was definite in the fact that doing so was "wrong."

When shaking hands with a person who has no right hand or arm, is it proper to use the left or the right hand? I guess the same could be said for a person whose right arm is burdened with packages. Does one wait for them to shift the packages, or for both to simply to acknowledge that they would forego custom, or to use the left hand?

GENTLE READER: However much you admire Mr. King, you should not mistake his books for etiquette manuals. Miss Manners means no disrespect to that author when she warns you that it would not be a good idea to model your behavior after his characters'.

Putting out a left hand to shake an extended left hand might be graceful among friends. And it would be graceful not to attempt to shake hands with those whose arms are holding packages. But to chastise a newcomer for not immediately registering "Oh! Here's a person with a missing hand!" is ridiculous. Polite people look each other in the eye when they meet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I recently moved cross-country for a job opportunity. Because we did not have the time to secure an apartment before our move, my husband's boss graciously offered his guesthouse as temporary accommodations.

When we find a place of our own (hopefully very soon as to not outwear our welcome), I would like to leave a thank you note and some token of our appreciation. Flowers for the hostess or a bottle of wine, perhaps? Is this customary or tacky?

GENTLE READER: Well, it is perfunctory. These are the sorts of things that guests bring to dinner parties, a single evening of a few hours, whereas you are receiving a house for as long as you require. That the house does not have a resident host might be considered an expression of the host's largesse, as well as of his resources.

So Miss Manners hopes you will put a bit more thought into your token of appreciation. (She says nothing of money, because a rich helping of thoughtfulness goes a long way in compensating for a modest outlay.) Having occupied this person's properly, you had an excellent opportunity to judge his taste.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you address mail to a same-sex married couple? I believe I should use the same formality that I do when addressing mail to an opposite sex couple, but I am not sure.

For example, if I know that one member of the couple has changed their last name to match their spouse and both are male, would I address it to Mr. and Mr. John Smith, using the first name of the one whose surname it was? The same question would apply to a female couple -- would I use Mrs. and Mrs. Jane Smith?

I have the same question when the surnames are different, would I use Mrs. Jane Smith and Mrs. Jane Doe? When I address mail to a couple that are of the opposite sex and I am aware that they are married and have different names, I still use the Mr. and Mrs. Husband's surname. Am I correct in doing so?

I also am assuming the marriage itself made the information of their relationship public and I would not be publicizing what could be construed as something that is not for all to know.

Should I worry that someone would notice how the mail is addressed and be concerned that I could be bringing about difficult times for the couple, since in our society there are folks who would persecute others when they disagree with those who have married a member of the same sex?

GENTLE READER: Thank you for not contributing to the general rude-ing down (the equivalent of dumbing down) of society by chucking honorifics altogether. When Miss Manners sees a letter baldly addressed "Martha Dribbleport," she always thinks it must be a summons.

Besides, updating old customs for new times happens to be her favorite part of this job. And there are formal forms other than Mr. and Mrs. from which to choose. In fact, that is the most awkward, although the most familiar, form since it does require choosing one given name, which unnamed halves are increasingly finding off-putting.

The plural of Mrs. is Mesdames and the plural of Mr. is Messrs. So a married female couple with the same surname would be Mesdames Jenna and Aurora Acorn, and a married male couple would be the Messrs. Jackson and Hal Thornton.

Then there is the two-line form, each name with its own title. This is used when an address is shared by unrelated people or by family members, such as siblings, but also to address married couples if the wife has a title such as Dr., Senator, Judge or Dame, or, you should note, if her surname is different from her husband's.

Miss Manners begs you not to concern yourself with the unlikely possibility that postal clerks have any interest in the marital arrangements of the public they serve. She reminds you that marriage is a matter of public record, and that to presume that others' marriages are better kept secret is insulting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This came up on my last vacation about getting up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom -- to flush or not to flush because of the noise and possibly waking the others?

GENTLE READER: Consider the alternative: Such a nice greeting for the first person up in the morning. Etiquette sometimes requires choosing the lesser evil.

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