DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend and I live 1,000 miles apart and have been friends for 37 years. When the two of us are on the phone, is it OK to say I am going to the restroom and then proceed to go to the restroom? Again, Miss Manners, please take into consideration the longevity and closeness of the relationship.

GENTLE READER: The lady didn't care for it, did she? That is why you are appealing to Miss Manners. (If the lady had been the one who did it and with you objecting, you would not have bolstered the case by citing the length of the relationship.)

That objection should be sufficient reason for using the very simple alternative: "Sorry, but could I call you back in a few minutes?" This is the telephone equivalent of saying "Excuse me" without an explanation when you are with someone. Nobody doubts where you are going, so further explanation is unnecessary and unwelcome.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, my former college roommate and good friend committed suicide at the age of 25 after suffering from bipolar disorder for several years. I had stayed at her family's house on school breaks a few times and became somewhat friendly with her parents, but I don't know them intimately. They live in another state, and I haven't had any contact with them since their daughter's memorial service.

When her birthday comes around, I would like to send them something, maybe just a postcard, because I know it will be a difficult day for them. I wouldn't make any direct reference to either her birthday or her death, but I'd like them to know that I'm thinking of them.

Do you think this is a good idea, or would it just be one more painful reminder? And if this is acceptable, do you have any suggestions on how I should approach it?

GENTLE READER: The fear of "reminding" the bereaved of a loss, which many cite as a reason for their silence, is a bogus one. Life itself supplies constant reminders, as you acknowledge by understanding that your friend's birthday will be an especially difficult day.

But there is one pain you can help relieve: that of thinking that their daughter has been forgotten by everyone except themselves. Miss Manners urges you to follow your kind urge to write them -- a letter, not a post card -- and assures you that you need not avoid referring to the birthday when you say that you miss your friend and are thinking of them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my 26-year-old daughter visits, she and her boyfriend take their bath or shower together. She knows I do not approve but insists on doing it regardless. I guess she thinks I am a prude. Could you please tell me how to handle this situation?

GENTLE READER: And what, pray, is wrong with being thought a prude? Miss Manners herself has found such a reputation extremely useful in discouraging people from boring her with tales of their unappetizing thoughts and adventures.

It is especially useful for a parent in providing a standard with which the child may not agree but must respect. The properly prudish thing to say to your daughter is, "I can't control what you do elsewhere, but I won't have you doing that in my house."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I met my lovely wife over six years ago, she had an extremely ill-tempered cat. (It bit me on our first date.) My wife had recently adopted the cat from a shelter just as it was about to be put to sleep, and she was very protective of it.

Now, six years later, this cat absolutely LOVES my wife, but no one else in the world.

After six years of feeding her and trying to befriend her, she still hisses and growls at me daily. She will hide on top of furniture at eye level and then attempt to claw me in the eyes when I unsuspectingly walk past. She growls and tries to bite every houseguest we have over.

The worst part of it is that she completely refuses to use a litter box. She does her "business" all over the house (only in carpeted areas), and no amount of coddling or planting of litter-boxes will sway her.

She purposely lies in "choke points" in the house, where the only way to get past her is to step over her. If one is so bold as to attempt this risky maneuver, one risks a pawful of claws in the leg. She has ruined every piece of nice furniture that we have with her constant spraying and clawing.

The upshot of it is that I'm embarrassed to have anyone over because our house reeks of cat urine and shredded furniture. The other day, the cat scratched a child in the eye that had gotten too close to it when no one was looking.

Despite all of this, my wife will absolutely not give the cat away, even though it's making me miserable. She says that she made a promise to be responsible for the cat when she adopted it, and it's a promise that she will not break.

I'm at my wits end. I love her enough that I can't in good conscience tell her that it's me or the cat, and frankly, I would be saddened to have to witness her heartbreak over losing the animal that she loves so much. But we've tried nail caps, behavior modification, drugs (Prozac, believe it or not), even a "pet therapist" whose final diagnosis was, "There's nothing I can do. Either live with things the way they are or get rid of the cat.

Her parents have talked about it with her, her friends have talked to her, nothing makes a difference. She is utterly devoted to "honoring" her promise. Please help me. I can't stand another day in this house with things as they are.

GENTLE READER: Furthermore, you have pronoun trouble.

Miss Manners was quite alarmed at the thought of your wife hiding on top of the furniture and biting the houseguests until she guessed that your "her" might not refer to the last noun mentioned, but to the cat.

So things could be worse. Not much worse, but worse.

The strange thing is that you imagine that the application of etiquette might succeed where drugs and husbandly desperation failed. Etiquette's power, in addition to whatever moral support it can inspire, is that people are willing to try to get along with one another for the sake of a pleasant living environment. The inhabitants of your house do not appear to be among them.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been with my husband for eight years, and we are going to be grandparents this month by his son and girlfriend. Due to divorce, this child is going to be blessed with more than the usual sets of grandparents.

The problem is my sister-in-law. I'm all for her doing a family tree, which she has done for my husband's older children, but what she wants my husband to do is fill out a questionnaire concerning his life; mainly his previous marriage from the time they met, proposal, wedding, honeymoon, house, relationship, etc.

We both feel this is way out of line, considering he has nothing to do with his ex and we feel that when the child is old enough and reads such info, he will ask who I am and why I'm not in this "book."

I would like any help in trying to remedy this. I feel if my sister-in-law was married, she might understand, but I also feel this is a slap in the face and she should find a more general way to document information and to have stuff in the past remain in the past except for the necessary information, especially due to the fact they divorced and he has remarried.

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes, the family historians. Miss Manners hears a lot about the trouble they cause when focusing on the past renders them insensitive to the present.

Such people cannot be trusted with sentimental memoirs, past or present. It would be prudent of him to provide her with only facts that are on the public record -- dates of his two marriages and of the divorce from his first wife; the purchase and sale of houses -- and to explain that he looks forward to telling his grandson about his life himself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am finishing my doctoral dissertation and struggling over one key element: the acknowledgements page. Similar dissertations from my university have waxed poetical over the contributions of each member of the doctoral committee.

The chairperson and one other member were absolutely instrumental in getting me through. One met with me weekly, and the other went to bat for me in a tricky issue of data collection. The third, however, insisted that I use an obscure analytical technique and demanded almost a complete rewrite after the others had pronounced it satisfactory. I acquiesced to her demands, but I feel dishonest praising her for her "help." How can I handle this?

GENTLE READER: Not, Miss Manners would think, by harboring grudges against a senior person in the field you are about to enter. For all you know, this professor may be left with warm feelings for you, as one often is after setting someone straight, and may be in a position to hire you some day.

Surely you are grateful to the entire doctoral committee for granting your degree. So suppose you write, "I wish to thank the members of the doctoral committee and all of my professors, especially..." and then name your two favorites.

: