DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been with my husband for eight years, and we are going to be grandparents this month by his son and girlfriend. Due to divorce, this child is going to be blessed with more than the usual sets of grandparents.

The problem is my sister-in-law. I'm all for her doing a family tree, which she has done for my husband's older children, but what she wants my husband to do is fill out a questionnaire concerning his life; mainly his previous marriage from the time they met, proposal, wedding, honeymoon, house, relationship, etc.

We both feel this is way out of line, considering he has nothing to do with his ex and we feel that when the child is old enough and reads such info, he will ask who I am and why I'm not in this "book."

I would like any help in trying to remedy this. I feel if my sister-in-law was married, she might understand, but I also feel this is a slap in the face and she should find a more general way to document information and to have stuff in the past remain in the past except for the necessary information, especially due to the fact they divorced and he has remarried.

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes, the family historians. Miss Manners hears a lot about the trouble they cause when focusing on the past renders them insensitive to the present.

Such people cannot be trusted with sentimental memoirs, past or present. It would be prudent of him to provide her with only facts that are on the public record -- dates of his two marriages and of the divorce from his first wife; the purchase and sale of houses -- and to explain that he looks forward to telling his grandson about his life himself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am finishing my doctoral dissertation and struggling over one key element: the acknowledgements page. Similar dissertations from my university have waxed poetical over the contributions of each member of the doctoral committee.

The chairperson and one other member were absolutely instrumental in getting me through. One met with me weekly, and the other went to bat for me in a tricky issue of data collection. The third, however, insisted that I use an obscure analytical technique and demanded almost a complete rewrite after the others had pronounced it satisfactory. I acquiesced to her demands, but I feel dishonest praising her for her "help." How can I handle this?

GENTLE READER: Not, Miss Manners would think, by harboring grudges against a senior person in the field you are about to enter. For all you know, this professor may be left with warm feelings for you, as one often is after setting someone straight, and may be in a position to hire you some day.

Surely you are grateful to the entire doctoral committee for granting your degree. So suppose you write, "I wish to thank the members of the doctoral committee and all of my professors, especially..." and then name your two favorites.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 15 and have recently learned of my pregnancy. Is it proper for me to tell my relatives (such as aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) this news, even if I am planning to put my future child up for adoption? If so, what is the protocol for breaking this news?

GENTLE READER: Things have changed since the days when someone in your position would disappear for months into a shrouded "home for unwed mothers" and come back alone with a fictitious story. Your chances of being told that you have disgraced the family forever and that no decent man will ever marry you have diminished.

But the openness that is now feasible comes with its own problem. Families have always been free with advice, but many people now consider it a sacred calling to tell others how to run their lives.

You know your relatives and Miss Manners does not, but she is guessing that there is no small likelihood of your being urged to have an abortion, or to rear the child yourself, or to turn the child over to other family members.

Your best hope of avoiding such barrages (on top of those about food, weight, birthing and what can go wrong that every pregnancy seems to inspire) is to tell family members who can be trusted to respect your decisions, and authorize them to tell the others.

And now Miss Manners is bracing to receive barrages of her own. There will be those who demand to know why you should not be advised to make a proud and joyous announcement (thus exciting the interest of relatives about a child who will not enter their family). And, she is sorry to say, there will be others who denounce you in vulgar terms. She is hoping to spare you both.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two years ago, at a function that my co-workers and families attended, I introduced my colleague and his wife to my children as Mr. and Mrs. Smith (not real name), wanting them to address adults by their last name.

His wife lunged in front of my colleague and said brusquely "No! My name is Jones! Remember that!" (not real name). I apologized and excused myself as quickly as possible.

Next year, at the same function, I told my children to say hello to Mr. Smith and Mrs. Jones. This time she approached me and said "No! It's 'Ms.' Jones." Again I apologized and retreated.

Miss Manners, is not "Mrs." the proper title for a married woman? Is there an exception if the lady has kept her maiden name? Please advise, as I feel I may find myself avoiding the couple in question entirely this year in fear of committing a third offense.

GENTLE READER: That sounds like the best plan. Not because you might commit another offense, but it is prudent to avoid offensive people.

Mind you, Miss Manners has no objection to letting people know one's correct name, and she concurs that the inclusive title, Ms., is more fitting here than Mrs., which properly goes with the full married name.

Our system of names and titles is no longer standardized, and it is best to go with individuals' choices, if they are known.

But someone who is known to lunge at those who happen to guess wrong is looking for a fight.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The invitations for the wedding of a pair of friends included a list of local charities to which invitees could send contributions. I don't recall the exact wording, but they were clear that such contributions are mere suggestions, a productive way to redirect any blender-buying compulsions.

I took them up on it and made a contribution. Now I'm wondering about the follow-through.

Sending the happy couple a letter saying, "Hey guys, I didn't have to, but I chose to give money to your favorite charity. Aren't I a nice guy?" seems the pinnacle of tacky. The fact that this gift was so clearly optional, and in the form of a specific dollar amount (of which I should inform them?) makes such a notice feel more about me than about a couple starting a new life.

Some have suggested that it is the responsibility of the charity to notify the couple, but I flubbed this by not providing their address; anyway, I gather that although the charity's tiny staff does good work in the community, paperwork is not really their forte. What is the protocol for such gifts?

GENTLE READER-- What gifts?

Your friends made a solicitation to you on behalf of their favorite charities, and you gave a donation. Well and good. But Miss Manners fails to see what this has to do with their getting married and your giving them a wedding present.

Yes, yes, she is aware that a vast number of people presume that their weddings (and graduations and birthdays and holidays) are license to order what they want from their relatives and friends. She also acknowledges that those who direct others to charitable donations instead are not exhibiting personal greed.

Yet even by making it "optional" (all such giving is optional, as there is no way to force collection), they are still presuming others' resources are theirs to direct. Miss Manners is weary of trying to make people understand that this is not a thoughtful or noble approach to take.

So instead, she will just tell you how to make the point about being a "nice guy." Write a warm note, throwing in thanks for having called the charity to your attention, and mentioning that you were glad to support it. Stating the sum is not only crass but pointless, as it is the charity, not they, who owe you gratitude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it impolite to greet someone pleasantly when I run into him around town, but then ignore his phone calls, e-mails, and all other attempts to get in touch? The person in question happens to be my ex-boyfriend.

GENTLE READER: Oddly enough, there is a big difference. Snubbing someone to his face is a major insult, justifiable only to someone who has behaved abominably. A mere romantic attachment of whom one is tired deserves a pleasant -- if fleeting -- greeting.

However, this one is continuing to be tiresome but refusing to accept the break-up, Miss Manners gathers. Becoming too busy to be available for pleadings or recriminations, or a lachrymose combination, is therefore permissible.

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