DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 15 and have recently learned of my pregnancy. Is it proper for me to tell my relatives (such as aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) this news, even if I am planning to put my future child up for adoption? If so, what is the protocol for breaking this news?

GENTLE READER: Things have changed since the days when someone in your position would disappear for months into a shrouded "home for unwed mothers" and come back alone with a fictitious story. Your chances of being told that you have disgraced the family forever and that no decent man will ever marry you have diminished.

But the openness that is now feasible comes with its own problem. Families have always been free with advice, but many people now consider it a sacred calling to tell others how to run their lives.

You know your relatives and Miss Manners does not, but she is guessing that there is no small likelihood of your being urged to have an abortion, or to rear the child yourself, or to turn the child over to other family members.

Your best hope of avoiding such barrages (on top of those about food, weight, birthing and what can go wrong that every pregnancy seems to inspire) is to tell family members who can be trusted to respect your decisions, and authorize them to tell the others.

And now Miss Manners is bracing to receive barrages of her own. There will be those who demand to know why you should not be advised to make a proud and joyous announcement (thus exciting the interest of relatives about a child who will not enter their family). And, she is sorry to say, there will be others who denounce you in vulgar terms. She is hoping to spare you both.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two years ago, at a function that my co-workers and families attended, I introduced my colleague and his wife to my children as Mr. and Mrs. Smith (not real name), wanting them to address adults by their last name.

His wife lunged in front of my colleague and said brusquely "No! My name is Jones! Remember that!" (not real name). I apologized and excused myself as quickly as possible.

Next year, at the same function, I told my children to say hello to Mr. Smith and Mrs. Jones. This time she approached me and said "No! It's 'Ms.' Jones." Again I apologized and retreated.

Miss Manners, is not "Mrs." the proper title for a married woman? Is there an exception if the lady has kept her maiden name? Please advise, as I feel I may find myself avoiding the couple in question entirely this year in fear of committing a third offense.

GENTLE READER: That sounds like the best plan. Not because you might commit another offense, but it is prudent to avoid offensive people.

Mind you, Miss Manners has no objection to letting people know one's correct name, and she concurs that the inclusive title, Ms., is more fitting here than Mrs., which properly goes with the full married name.

Our system of names and titles is no longer standardized, and it is best to go with individuals' choices, if they are known.

But someone who is known to lunge at those who happen to guess wrong is looking for a fight.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The invitations for the wedding of a pair of friends included a list of local charities to which invitees could send contributions. I don't recall the exact wording, but they were clear that such contributions are mere suggestions, a productive way to redirect any blender-buying compulsions.

I took them up on it and made a contribution. Now I'm wondering about the follow-through.

Sending the happy couple a letter saying, "Hey guys, I didn't have to, but I chose to give money to your favorite charity. Aren't I a nice guy?" seems the pinnacle of tacky. The fact that this gift was so clearly optional, and in the form of a specific dollar amount (of which I should inform them?) makes such a notice feel more about me than about a couple starting a new life.

Some have suggested that it is the responsibility of the charity to notify the couple, but I flubbed this by not providing their address; anyway, I gather that although the charity's tiny staff does good work in the community, paperwork is not really their forte. What is the protocol for such gifts?

GENTLE READER-- What gifts?

Your friends made a solicitation to you on behalf of their favorite charities, and you gave a donation. Well and good. But Miss Manners fails to see what this has to do with their getting married and your giving them a wedding present.

Yes, yes, she is aware that a vast number of people presume that their weddings (and graduations and birthdays and holidays) are license to order what they want from their relatives and friends. She also acknowledges that those who direct others to charitable donations instead are not exhibiting personal greed.

Yet even by making it "optional" (all such giving is optional, as there is no way to force collection), they are still presuming others' resources are theirs to direct. Miss Manners is weary of trying to make people understand that this is not a thoughtful or noble approach to take.

So instead, she will just tell you how to make the point about being a "nice guy." Write a warm note, throwing in thanks for having called the charity to your attention, and mentioning that you were glad to support it. Stating the sum is not only crass but pointless, as it is the charity, not they, who owe you gratitude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it impolite to greet someone pleasantly when I run into him around town, but then ignore his phone calls, e-mails, and all other attempts to get in touch? The person in question happens to be my ex-boyfriend.

GENTLE READER: Oddly enough, there is a big difference. Snubbing someone to his face is a major insult, justifiable only to someone who has behaved abominably. A mere romantic attachment of whom one is tired deserves a pleasant -- if fleeting -- greeting.

However, this one is continuing to be tiresome but refusing to accept the break-up, Miss Manners gathers. Becoming too busy to be available for pleadings or recriminations, or a lachrymose combination, is therefore permissible.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several years ago, I was fortunate to be able to purchase a vacation home on the beach. I enjoy inviting my friends to visit.

However, over time, many of them have begun to be quite presumptuous, to the point where I'm beginning to feel used. One friend left her bathing suits in my guest bedroom for the next time she comes to visit; one wrote his name on a bottle of bourbon and left it behind my bar; one invited a friend that I did not know to stay with her; one even asked me for his own key so he could stay there when I wasn't home!

How can I convey to these people that, while I enjoy having them as my guests, this is, in fact, my home and not a time-share?

GENTLE READER: Drink the bourbon, mail back the bathing suits, and keep a tight grip on your invitations and your keys. Should any explanation seem necessary, it should be 1) "Thank you"; 2) "I can't store things here"; 3) "I'm sorry, but I can't accommodate your friend"; and 4) "I don't know you well enough to exchange keys with you, and I doubt that I would have occasion to occupy your house."

Oh, and Miss Manners doesn't want you using the gracious expression "My house is your house" until you have a better class of friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the best way of shutting up a friend who has the cringe-making, crass habit of trying to pull rank, sometimes in casual conversation with complete strangers, by declaring: "I'm a doctor's daughter"? I really wish this pomposity had been beaten out of her in the school playground and I don't understand why it wasn't, but as we're not in the school playground anymore, what can I do?

She uses this line to justify, and indeed advise, such activities as eating moldy food, driving after a couple of glasses of wine and walking across tick-infested countryside with bare legs: "Lyme disease isn't a problem for anyone with a healthy immune system. I'm a doctor's daughter."

It's bloody annoying, but what, if any, is her offence against etiquette? Even if she hasn't committed one, how do I make her shut up?

Her father the doctor is dead so it's impossible to know what he actually said. Should I try "I think you must have forgotten"? Even if she isn't talking rubbish, which she usually is, and even if she isn't talking to me, that phrase "I'm a doctor's daughter" makes my skin crawl with embarrassment. "My father was a research chemist." Could that help?

GENTLE READER: Help with what? Memorizing the table of the elements? Explaining the properties of the contents of the medicine cabinet?

Wait, you have the doctor's daughter to do that.

It is hard to say exactly what her etiquette violation is -- some combination of brag-and-bore -- but easy to see that it is annoying. Miss Manners would respond to the reference to the lady's father by saying nicely, "He probably had a license to practice medicine."

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