DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have two small sets of silver, one containing about six place settings, and the other four. Since we are young and do not have complete sets of all the nice things, we do not host formal meals.

Is it all right if we use both sets of silver at the same meal for an informal dinner with more than six people attending? Would the same apply to mismatching dinnerware or glassware?

Everything we have is a happy potluck of whatever was lovingly passed down to us on the occasion of our wedding, matching or not. We are proud of it, but the impression we receive from etiquette literature is that there is something inappropriate about a non-matching table.

GENTLE READER: "Etiquette literature"? Miss Manners assures you that the only legitimate requirements of etiquette in regard to table setting are that you provide whatever equipment is needed to eat the food being served, and that you attempt to make the setting aesthetically pleasing.

What is aesthetically pleasing is another matter. Some believe that can only mean matching sets. Others find it more interesting and creative to mix patterns.

But wait. There is also a subtext, which allows you to pick your snobbery. One kind holds that matching sets indicate that you can afford to buy what you use. The other holds that unmatched items indicate that you are not, as the British disdainfully say, "the sort of people who buy their silver," but whose who inherit it.

Naturally, Miss Manners abhors all forms of snobbery. But you need not be intimidated by the former kind, since it is trumped by the latter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm very young, in college, have a major that I really enjoy, and like filling my schedule up with hobbies and activities that make me happy. For some reason, though, people have taken a huge interest in my (lack of) love life.

One person keeps asking me if I am "happy" even though I am single. I enjoy life and love learning about my classes and quite frankly do not want to date because it would take time away from my studies.

What is a polite way to tell people to mind their own business and just because I chose to be single does not, in any way, make me less happy than them?

Eleanor Roosevelt once said that, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I feel like I am letting people talk down to me, but then again feel like I am overreacting. I'm just looking for one of your quick quips to get people to stop bothering me.

GENTLE READER: "You're so kind to worry about my private life. But I assure you that your worry is misplaced."

It's not a quip, Miss Manners admits, but then, people do not find it funny to be told to mind their own business. This makes the point about your life being private and, for good measure, leaves them with thwarted curiosity about whether your life is happy because you are mated or because you are not.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am unsure of how to react to my co-workers' spiteful comments whenever I choose to spend my paid/personal time off (PTO). I am a single male, under 25 and don't have children.

The most common comment that I hear is an extremely sarcastic "Must be nice!" -- as if I am the sole person upon this planet to earn PTO.

These comments have only come from co-workers that have children. What is the proper response to these immature comments?

It is not my fault that someone chose to have a child. When these people receive their tax returns, I certainly do not make rude comments about how it "must be nice" to receive an $8,000 tax return simply for having children (the individuals I am referring to also have no qualms about openly discussing how they spend these funds on material items such as cars, televisions, etc.). Frankly, I have too much class than to behave in such a way.

I am extremely respectful and conservative in most situations, but hypocrisy will make my blood boil. I obviously cannot obliterate their faulty logic with a brutal one-liner, since I'm at work. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Spiteful hypocrisy that makes your blood boil? Miss Manners is afraid that you have a very low boiling point. This is what passes as office humor. Please do not escalate it to brutal. There is enough unemployment as it is.

However, if you will settle for being merely annoying in return, you need only agree with your tormentors, oops, colleagues. As you leave, just call out, "Ah, yes, the life of the carefree bachelor! Have fun working!"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We attended two weddings that were at least a nine- and 13-hour drive away. One was on an island. These families are our very close friends.

We were not invited to the rehearsal dinners. As we were coming into town for the second wedding, we did get a call to come on over to the rehearsal dinner (it had already begun) but we were too far away and could not make it. We were surprised by our friends. They are not poor.

GENTLE READER: You were not in the rehearsals, were you? So why are you hurt at not being asked to the rehearsal dinners?

Yes, Miss Manners knows that you came a long way and that you know that there were rehearsal guests who were not in the rehearsal, either. The name of that event hangs on, even though it is now more often a catch-all for relatives, out-of-towners and such.

Well, apparently not a catch-all for all this time.

However, you cannot quite presume that a wedding invitation is always good for two days. Instead of suggesting that the idea was to save money (although the fact that they were not poor before paying the wedding bills doesn't mean they are not poor now), it would be kinder to assume that the rehearsal dinner was a rehearsal dinner.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I hosted a barbecue, to which we sent an open invitation to anyone who would like to attend. We posted the information several times around the Internet, with the note to e-mail me with the RSVP (plus the number of guests they would bring).

I went through a great deal of trouble to ensure there would be ample food available for all tastes and dietary/religious/personal ethics restrictions, and stated if they felt obligated to bring anything, a potluck dish or libations would be thanked and appreciated.

Let me tell you, we certainly did draw a crowd! We were even kind to our neighbors by having an after-party pre-arranged at a tavern to grant them their peace in the evening. We also cleaned up every last cigarette butt and bottle cap before we left, leaving no trace of our guests' presence. Our neighbors, in fact, have become even more neighborly since!

My husband and I run a popular entertainment business and have hundreds of thousands of online "friends." Because of this, we purposely did not post our home address publicly, but rather asked guests to request it if they did not already know, to curtail possible identity theft. So while I again disliked not providing our address, we just couldn't risk one of those "friends" being anything but friendly.

A couple of people who we casually know were miffed we did not contact them and invite them personally. To be honest, I am not sure we even have the phone numbers or e-mail addresses of these people, who complained through a third party.

If I made a bad judgment, how should I have handled this? I truly enjoy being a gracious hostess, and it really hurt me to think I was anything but. This has been bothering me for weeks now, and I hope you can help me see my fault, if I made any.

GENTLE READER: Were you serving red herring? There are so many false clues in your account that Miss Manners is quite dizzy doing U-turns.

Did the dangerous concept of the open invitation attract undesirables? Did your efforts to meet everyone's food requirements miss someone who had an allergic attack? Did the neighbors make a fuss in spite of your precautions? Was your address posted by guests and your identity stolen?

None of the above. Whew. It is only that people you don't even know well enough to know how to contact are grousing that they were not invited. Aren't you glad they weren't?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a part-time executive assistant, and part of my job is to manage files, sort out business papers, etc., in the office. My boss is asking me to sort his old papers, arrange all his files in order (from 20 years) that he has stored, at his home, for a month, which is not a part of my job. How do i say no to him and still retain my job?

GENTLE READER: "I can't take on a second job right now, but let me help you find someone. How much do you want to pay?"

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