DEAR MISS MANNERS: Facebook is out of control. There are way too many people in this world trying to be your friend when you don't necessarily want them to be.

What is the appropriate way to let someone know that you don't want to be their friend on Facebook?

It's easy if you don't even know the person and they are trying to link up with you because of a mutual friend. I just ignore them. But when it is someone you do know and perhaps know very well but haven't seen or spoken to in, let's say, 20 years, what is the proper tact with that one?

GENTLE READER: Send your long-lost friend a postcard -- an actual post card, with a stamp and a handwritten message, saying it was nice to hear from him. On Facebook, nothing. Oh, and no return address on the card.

Miss Manners trusts that this will be profoundly confusing to the recipient. You have not snubbed him, but you seem to have taken his offer of friendship literally, when he only wanted to rack up numbers, make you peek at his life and perhaps peek at yours.

Why (he will wonder) have you answered in such an archaic way, instead of just clicking? Surely you do not expect him to make a similar effort?

You may leave him with that mystery and make no further effort.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The food court in my office building is often visited by teenagers at the nearby high school during lunch. Generally, the behavior of this particular demographic is deplorable. They are often loud and obnoxious, butting in line, crowding entrance ways, etc.

Last week, I witnessed two students blatantly stealing soda from the fountain using small condiment cups provided by the vendor. Unfortunately, the proprietor did not notice, as they were busy responding to the lunch rush.

At first I stood in their way to deter them from their inappropriate actions, but when they continued with their actions, and were laughing and joking about getting away with it, I turned to them and said, "You should pay for what you have taken. Shall I inform the owner?"

They were shocked at being held accountable for their actions, said no and abruptly went and sat down with their friends.

I know that you consider it rude to intercede when others are acting inappropriately, but if children are not learning manners from their parents, shouldn't they be confronted with the consequences of their actions?

GENTLE READER: Stealing, even such petty stealing as this, is a violation of morals rather than manners, and Miss Manners never told you that you couldn't attempt to halt a crime.

However, there are risks in making a citizen's arrest, as it were. Miss Manners attributes your success in issuing a warning that made the wrongdoers slink away to -- she presumes -- a gentle tone. Anything harsher could easily have brought on a conspicuously rude retaliation.

But you did let them get away with what they already had. If you want to do your duty to uphold the law, you should alert the owner or manager of the food court and let him handle it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 40 years old, and by a series of unfortunate events and three broken engagements in the past two decades, still a single woman. This is not necessarily a status that I celebrate.

I am accepting of it for now, but I would like people to understand that I do not come to this place in my life by choice. The common misconceptions are that I am either much too picky or that I somehow enjoy being a free, single woman. Neither is true. Only my close friends understand how painful it is for me to be alone at this stage of my life.

At weddings, I just dread having to dodge yet another "throwing of the bouquet" tradition, where it seems everyone at the reception thinks it's fun to shove any single female, including toddlers, out on the dance floor to battle for that "prize."

At what point do they realize that I don't want to bring attention to the fact that I'm single? The tragedy and embarrassment of it for me has long outlived the original ceremonial spirit of this youthful custom.

GENTLE READER: That you find this custom silly and dislike being pushed into it, Miss Manners can understand. But that is the only thing you have stated that she does understand.

Why should you be embarrassed to be single? But since you are embarrassed, why do you object to people thinking that you enjoy your life? And why would you not want it known that you are single when attending a social event where there might be eligible gentlemen?

However, Miss Manners' job is to answer the question. If you are pushed forward, take the hand of one of those toddlers --whose presence incidentally shows that no one but you takes this seriously -- and help her catch the bouquet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For my daughter's birthday, we take her to the state fair and let her select what she wants to eat and what she wants to do (to some extent), and a close friend or two to enjoy the day with.

My husband and I feel that letting her do something special that she enjoys celebrates her birthday better than a party and avoids the traditional birthday-party problems.

However, my parents and my husband's parents are appalled by the idea. They say it's not "special" enough for our daughter, and that the point of a party is so they can partake in celebrating.

We have invited them to participate in our birthday plans, but the idea of walking around the fair is unappealing to them and they refuse to come. They insist that we throw a big bash for our daughter so they can indulge her with presents and attention.

Is there a way to break off this standoff? Should we throw a party for our daughter so her grandparents can have their wishes? Or is it enough that we celebrate her birthday in a way that we, and our daughter, enjoy?

GENTLE READER: Have you expressed your delight that the grandparents want to do something special for your daughter?

Of course you should not dream of depriving her of the annual treat she enjoys with you. But what should prevent the grandparents from giving her another celebration?

Miss Manners trusts that they have the will and the energy to cope with those traditional birthday-party problems -- such as choosing between overcrowding and hurting those left out, nagging guests to respond, figuring out what will amuse everyone and so on.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: An acquaintance posted on the Internet some music that he had composed and performed with his band. He then directed friends to the site to listen and offer opinions.

I don't know how to respond. The music was awful. Not in such a way that it might appeal to someone with different taste than myself, but just plain hideously awful.

I don't want to encourage him, as its obvious that music will never be his forte, but I also don't want to be cruel. What can I say to this person other than "Don't quit your day job"?

GENTLE READER: Your acquaintance is asking for it, isn't he?

Under the pretense of seeking frank criticism, he is probably trusting that his friends will do the correct social thing, which is to offer encouragement to amateur efforts, which at any rate, they cannot politely squash out of existence.

Many people make that false request for frankness, leaving Miss Manners with the task of convincing their friends not to give them what they deserve. As you say, it would be cruel, and it would be pointless.

However, false encouragement would probably be more successful than you care to have it be. This is the time to fall back on irrelevant enthusiasm, such as "I could tell you were having fun."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My beloved mother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly after 45 years of marriage to my father.

At my mother's memorial-service reception, a scant two days after my mother's cremation and a week after her death, an older man sat down at the table I was sitting at and said, loudly and repeatedly, "We need to find George a new wife. That's what we need to do. He needs another woman."

I was beyond shocked. I can only assume the gentleman did not realize he was sitting three seats away from the grief-stricken daughter of the recently departed, but am I incorrect that such conversation is always completely and utterly inappropriate in such a setting, and so soon after the unfortunate event?

What would the proper response have been on my part? I sat there too stunned to say anything. All I did was shake my head to indicate my disapproval to a friend who overheard the conversation. I feel like I should have said something to defend my mother's -- and my father's -- honor.

Please let your readers know how hurtful such suggestions can be when they come within days of a family member's death, and please enlighten those of us subjected to such talk as to how we should respond.

GENTLE READER: There are times when thoughtless is so appalling that the perpetrator must be embarrassed into realizing this so that he is prevented from doing more damage.

This is such an instance, although Miss Manners dearly hopes that you are mistaken in thinking that this kind of talk is commonplace. What you can say, with quiet dignity, is, "The family does not believe my mother is that easily replaceable. Please don't upset my father in his grief by suggesting that she is."

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