DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 40 years old, and by a series of unfortunate events and three broken engagements in the past two decades, still a single woman. This is not necessarily a status that I celebrate.

I am accepting of it for now, but I would like people to understand that I do not come to this place in my life by choice. The common misconceptions are that I am either much too picky or that I somehow enjoy being a free, single woman. Neither is true. Only my close friends understand how painful it is for me to be alone at this stage of my life.

At weddings, I just dread having to dodge yet another "throwing of the bouquet" tradition, where it seems everyone at the reception thinks it's fun to shove any single female, including toddlers, out on the dance floor to battle for that "prize."

At what point do they realize that I don't want to bring attention to the fact that I'm single? The tragedy and embarrassment of it for me has long outlived the original ceremonial spirit of this youthful custom.

GENTLE READER: That you find this custom silly and dislike being pushed into it, Miss Manners can understand. But that is the only thing you have stated that she does understand.

Why should you be embarrassed to be single? But since you are embarrassed, why do you object to people thinking that you enjoy your life? And why would you not want it known that you are single when attending a social event where there might be eligible gentlemen?

However, Miss Manners' job is to answer the question. If you are pushed forward, take the hand of one of those toddlers --whose presence incidentally shows that no one but you takes this seriously -- and help her catch the bouquet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For my daughter's birthday, we take her to the state fair and let her select what she wants to eat and what she wants to do (to some extent), and a close friend or two to enjoy the day with.

My husband and I feel that letting her do something special that she enjoys celebrates her birthday better than a party and avoids the traditional birthday-party problems.

However, my parents and my husband's parents are appalled by the idea. They say it's not "special" enough for our daughter, and that the point of a party is so they can partake in celebrating.

We have invited them to participate in our birthday plans, but the idea of walking around the fair is unappealing to them and they refuse to come. They insist that we throw a big bash for our daughter so they can indulge her with presents and attention.

Is there a way to break off this standoff? Should we throw a party for our daughter so her grandparents can have their wishes? Or is it enough that we celebrate her birthday in a way that we, and our daughter, enjoy?

GENTLE READER: Have you expressed your delight that the grandparents want to do something special for your daughter?

Of course you should not dream of depriving her of the annual treat she enjoys with you. But what should prevent the grandparents from giving her another celebration?

Miss Manners trusts that they have the will and the energy to cope with those traditional birthday-party problems -- such as choosing between overcrowding and hurting those left out, nagging guests to respond, figuring out what will amuse everyone and so on.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: An acquaintance posted on the Internet some music that he had composed and performed with his band. He then directed friends to the site to listen and offer opinions.

I don't know how to respond. The music was awful. Not in such a way that it might appeal to someone with different taste than myself, but just plain hideously awful.

I don't want to encourage him, as its obvious that music will never be his forte, but I also don't want to be cruel. What can I say to this person other than "Don't quit your day job"?

GENTLE READER: Your acquaintance is asking for it, isn't he?

Under the pretense of seeking frank criticism, he is probably trusting that his friends will do the correct social thing, which is to offer encouragement to amateur efforts, which at any rate, they cannot politely squash out of existence.

Many people make that false request for frankness, leaving Miss Manners with the task of convincing their friends not to give them what they deserve. As you say, it would be cruel, and it would be pointless.

However, false encouragement would probably be more successful than you care to have it be. This is the time to fall back on irrelevant enthusiasm, such as "I could tell you were having fun."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My beloved mother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly after 45 years of marriage to my father.

At my mother's memorial-service reception, a scant two days after my mother's cremation and a week after her death, an older man sat down at the table I was sitting at and said, loudly and repeatedly, "We need to find George a new wife. That's what we need to do. He needs another woman."

I was beyond shocked. I can only assume the gentleman did not realize he was sitting three seats away from the grief-stricken daughter of the recently departed, but am I incorrect that such conversation is always completely and utterly inappropriate in such a setting, and so soon after the unfortunate event?

What would the proper response have been on my part? I sat there too stunned to say anything. All I did was shake my head to indicate my disapproval to a friend who overheard the conversation. I feel like I should have said something to defend my mother's -- and my father's -- honor.

Please let your readers know how hurtful such suggestions can be when they come within days of a family member's death, and please enlighten those of us subjected to such talk as to how we should respond.

GENTLE READER: There are times when thoughtless is so appalling that the perpetrator must be embarrassed into realizing this so that he is prevented from doing more damage.

This is such an instance, although Miss Manners dearly hopes that you are mistaken in thinking that this kind of talk is commonplace. What you can say, with quiet dignity, is, "The family does not believe my mother is that easily replaceable. Please don't upset my father in his grief by suggesting that she is."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been to occasions that do not have my favorite nonalcoholic drink .................. DIET DECAF COLA ..................!!!!!!

I suggest you tell the host to let everyone know with/in the invitations what nonalcoholic drinks will be available. The host should suggest if anyone has a particular type nonalcoholic beverage not offered to please feel free to bring their own!!!!!!!!!!!! After finding out the HARD WAY, I started taking my own nonalcoholic drinks years ago ......... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GENTLE READER: How did you get so hepped up without alcohol or caffeine?

Miss Manners is worried about you. Please take a deep breath and sit down while she explains the concept of hospitality.

There is a difference between a restaurant, which sells you food that you specifically order, and a private party, where the host offers you refreshments that he provides.

The restaurant knows exactly what you want because you do the ordering. Hosts, in contrast, are friends who wish to see you for the sake of your company. They should also want to please you by offering refreshment but must guess what would be pleasing to various guests.

Providing nonalcoholic drinks is thus standard. Providing each guest with the exact brand and mixture he or she prefers is difficult and burdensome, part of the finicky-guest syndrome that has discouraged reasonable people from entertaining.

Neither restaurants nor people's homes should be treated like picnic grounds where you bring your own goodies. If you don't like what is available at a restaurant, you need not do business there. If you are not willing, for the sake of politeness and sociability, to content yourself with water but must always have your favorite drink, you need not attend parties where it is not served.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the youngest of two children in my family, and I always get the short end of the stick. Whenever our family has an overnight gathering, I am the one who has to sleep on the blowup mattress while everyone else gets a bed.

I have invited my family to celebrate my sister's 30th birthday at a beach house owned by my boyfriend's family. At this event will be my sister, her husband and her son, my parents, my grandparents and my aunt and uncle.

Is it inconsiderate of me to want one of the best rooms in the house, or should I get the shaft again and sleep in the "kid's room"? I feel like it's my turn to have the good room, but I would like your advice.

GENTLE READER: Whom did you have in mind for the kid's room? Your grandparents? The guest of honor?

Although Miss Manners is not lacking in pity for your plight, she is afraid that it is another trip back to the blowup mattress. If it is any comfort, this time it is not because you are younger than your sister, but because you are in some sense the hostess, having done the inviting.

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