DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it appropriate for men to wear white tuxedos? My family is planning this anniversary gala. They are planning on having some of the young men escort guests to their tables.

So far so good, but they want the men to wear white tuxedos because it is August. I told them that since the affair was being held after 5 p.m. and it is being set up as a formal (semi-black-tie) event, that the white was not right to wear. I also said that the men would look like they were ready to pass out ice cream. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Not about the hope of double scoops of chocolate whirl this will engender, if Miss Manners may judge by her own reaction. That white dinner jackets look silly, she agrees.

But they are not incorrect as summer evening clothes, so your objections about the hours and the degree of formality are incorrect. They do qualify as black tie. (Miss Manners has no idea what semi-black tie might be, but it sounds disheveled.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a stay-at-home mom of a 2-year-old. All of my close friends have children within the same range, and we enjoy play dates together and even the occasional Saturday nights together with our whole families. The wives and husbands in our group are long-time friends who went to high school and college together.

One of our friends, the newest and by far least mature addition, continues to bring her sick child around when we are all well. As a rule and out of courtesy, the rest of us "quarantine" ourselves when we are sick, whether this means missing a standing play date or something even more special.

I understand that she really likes to be involved in every get-together, but this is so unfair to the rest of us. To make matters worse, she frequently asks me to watch her child when her regular day care can't. She has actually dropped him off, only for me to discover that he is sick (green snot and all). When I asked her if she knew he had a runny nose, she acknowledged and disregarded it.

On the most recent occasion, I made up an appointment to avoid watching her son when, yet again, I found out he was sick.

As she has frequently been one to comment that her family doesn't worry about getting sick, I don't know how to tell her that the rest of us do! We're a one-income household and can't afford for my husband to be sick.

I know that she will react badly to any mention of the issue, and I don't know how to proceed. Should I continue to suffer in silence?

GENTLE READER: That depends on how much you are willing to suffer. And to expose your husband and child to suffering.

However, Miss Manners cautions you not to plead that or trump up excuses. There is nothing wrong with your saying pleasantly, "I'm sorry, but I can't take your child when he is sick" or, if you feel safer invoking the group, "We've all been seeing one another for a long time, and the rule is that sick children must stay home."

If she reacts badly, so be it. Surely you can put up with that more easily than with the way your family would feel if they caught the illness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Customarily, my wife and I send out several thousand dollars of charitable checks. This year, I am probably out of a job. Out of work, with no income.

There are only about three organizations to which I feel truly obligated and indebted, and I will send them a token amount (20 percent of previous years) and a note of explanation, and a pledge to send more, if and when I can.

What am I supposed to do with the other 97 charities to which I have been giving for many years?

If I waste 44 cents each to tell them I have no money to give, they will ignore that note and keep on begging and bleating that they deserve my charitable dollars. They will each spend many times 44 cents to try to shame me into giving money I don't have.

If I ignore their entreaties, they will keep on sending more letters begging and bleating. I mean, I know these guys well. They are not bashful about sending more begging, bleating letters even after I have sent them a contribution. If I send them X $ of contribution, they beg me to send more $ to renew my "Membership." If I pay my Membership, they beg piteously for an extra contribution. I know these guys.

What should I do? I don't want to insult them -- even though they are happy to insult ME by implying I am a cheapskate for not sending them my last dollar. What's the price of a postcard? Is that OK?

GENTLE READER: It has always puzzled Miss Manners to find how often those who work on behalf of other people in general feel free to annoy the particular people with whom they come into contact. The Mrs. Jellyby syndrome, so cleverly delineated by that nice Mr. Dickens.

Yet doing so is, as you have experienced, common fundraising practice. As you point out, the grating pleas will continue no matter what you do. So it seems futile to offer an explanation unless you can get the attention of someone in a position to stop using charity money to be rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With all the sicknesses, swine flu, etc., going around, when my pastor asks us, at the beginning of church, to introduce ourselves to everyone sitting around us, everybody wants to shake your hand.

Since I'm on a lot of medicines that make me susceptible to many sicknesses, this makes me very concerned. How can I politely refuse to shake one's hand without offending them?

The only thing I could come up with is saying that I am sorry but I think that I am coming down with a cold. Needless to say, this is telling a lie, and saying this every week kind of defeats the purpose of going to church.

GENTLE READER: Not only that, but people would begin to wonder whether you never got over your cold because you were too dumb to come in from the rain.

People devote so much time and anguish providing excuses, true or false, when excuses are rarely necessary. What you need is an apology -- in this case, "I'm so sorry, I can't shake hands."

Or you could take the matter up with your preacher, asking him to substitute a less tactile gesture. Or just wear gloves.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother is remarrying this summer, and he and his fiancee are inviting only their immediate families to the wedding and reception.

I would like to host a bridal shower to introduce his fiancee to our large extended family. My difficulty comes from wanting to avoid offending anyone.

While this is my brother's second marriage, it is his fiancee's first, so I'm not sure whether a shower is appropriate or not. The people I plan to invite will not be invited to the wedding or reception. Also, I want to avoid any implication that guests to the function should bring a gift. I would just like to have a friendly "get to know the family" party for my brother's fiancee.

How should I handle this without huge offense to the guests or my future sister-in-law?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is reminded of the time, just a few centuries ago, when that nice artist known as Veronese got into trouble with the Inquisition for putting supposedly irreverent figures in his painting, "The Last Supper." He was ordered to change it.

And so he did. Not the painting, but the title. He left the picture as it was and changed the title to "Feast in the House of Levi."

If you are still with us, you are wondering what on earth this has to do with your party for your brother's future wife.

Well, a shower is a party given by friends, not relatives; the guests are also invited to the wedding; and they bring presents. Three reasons that your party would be offensive.

Unless you stop calling it a shower. There is no reason that you cannot give a party to introduce your future sister-in-law to family and friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are having a baby in about eight months. A relative has requested that, although we will find out the sex of the baby at about six months, that we keep the sex and name secret from her until the birth.

She has no objection to hearing all about the pregnancy and our plans -- she's very interested. But she wants us to keep back those two pieces of information until she wants to have them.

I do not think this is a reasonable request. I tried to respond politely that I would try but I didn't think I would be able to. Does a person have a right to ask an expecting mother to self-censor selectively?

GENTLE READER: You don't think it's cute that your relative wants to be surprised? Think what a huge hit she will be at playing peek-a-boo with your baby.

In any case, Miss Manners does not consider this a First Amendment issue requiring a protest against censorship. Your having announced the pregnancy shortly after it occurred suggests that you are not good at discretion. But please try to maintain the suspense with this relative, and be prepared to deliver an apologetic "Oops" if you slip.

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