DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm sorry to say I have behaved badly. Roughly 18 months ago, an acquaintance lost two of his children in a terrible house fire, and I did not send a condolence note. (I was coping with depression because of a profound life change at the time, but that's not an excuse -- I am ashamed of not having written to him.) Sooner or later I'll run into him, and I'd like to say, "I'm so sorry about your children, and I'm sorry that I was not in touch at the time; you have been in my thoughts and my prayers."

All of that is true, but is it appropriate? If not, what should I say? Also, I assume that writing to him now would be inappropriate, but is that true? Should I write to him now, apologizing for (but not providing information about/an excuse for) not having written sooner?

GENTLE READER: Granted that it would have been good to write immediately, why would you think it would be inappropriate now to offer your sympathy?

Miss Manners hopes you are not among those who blithely prattle about others "achieving closure," and who are under the assumption that one forgets such tragedy in time.

The simple statement you suggest would be better written than spoken. It is more convincing that you were thinking of this gentleman if you do not seem to require his presence to jog your memory.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like your input regarding the response to the RSVP -- from my sister who is my child's godparent -- to for graduation from eighth grade at the Catholic school she's been attending for the last nine years.

The response was "We'll have to wait and let you know that day how we're feeling, if we can come or not" and then she listed their family responsibilities.

How is one to take that sort of RSVP? How is one to prepare for reservations and a reception?

Most importantly, what does one tell the graduate -- "I don't know, honey, if your cousins and godparents are coming. We'll have to wait and see. I know you've worked hard for this graduation but apparently their life is too busy to squeeze us in or to make sure they will be there."

What has become of this world that adults and special relatives can't make a child's special day of graduation an important priority? You would have thought I had invited them to a non-important event in this child's life.

GENTLE READER: For a less important event, that reply still would have been rude. Every invitation, however casual, requires a definitive and rapid response.

However, even rudeness does not justify a rude reply. What you should say to your sister is, "I have to plan ahead, so I'll take this as a 'no.' Angelica will miss you."

Miss Manners trusts that she does not have to tell you not to add bitterness to Angelica's disappointment in order to punish your sister. If you are asked why the godparents will not attend, you should refer her to them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I learned that once the napkin is unfolded after one sits down at a table, it is not refolded. It is folded loosely and replaced back on the table when the meal is over and one is leaving the table. I have looked up various sources, and all agree on not refolding the napkin the way it originally was.

However, in two different restaurants, the waitstaff has come to the table while I had excused myself, refolded the napkin, and placed it back on the table. Upon returning to the table, my friends reported what had happened and said that maybe I should have refolded the napkin before leaving the table. When I disagreed, feeling uncomfortable, they said that is what waitstaff does in expensive restaurants.

I felt (and feel) like I was not there to get a lesson in etiquette and that the napkin is never refolded after one starts to use it. (By refolding I mean corner to corner, over and over, like a man's handkerchief would be folded.) So now my brother is betting me he is right and that the waiter is supposed to come over and fold a customer's napkin while they are away from the table.

GENTLE READER: Two bad sources for etiquette instruction: pretentious restaurants and friends who don't mind embarrassing you in public.

Miss Manners assures you that you and your sources, who do not dine with you, are correct. That silly trends pass through expensive restaurants (remember when waiters were shaking out clean napkins at the beginning of the meal and placing them on the clients' laps as if they were children?) does not make such practices correct. This one is as bad as blowing one's nose into a handkerchief, and then re-folding and placing it in the breast pocket -- both being actions that etiquette classifies under Eeeeew.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I attended a wedding with a 1920s theme, where the guests were encouraged to dress in period costume if they felt so moved.

We did, to amuse the bride and groom, and my costume included a somewhat ridiculous hat correct to the period. Many of the gentlemen who arrived in the suggested costume wore hats, to better convey the theme, and we all by unspoken accord wore them the entire evening (perhaps, subconsciously, in imitation of the groom, who did the same).

Later, it developed that the bride's grandmothers and aunts had been much dismayed by all the gentlemen wearing our hats indoors. Obviously, there's nothing to be done about that now (or perhaps nothing to be done by me) but for the future what's correct?

Do costume party (which this sort of was) rules or wedding rules apply here? Do we follow the groom's lead? I am not normally a great wearer of hats, so I'm unsure.

GENTLE READER: Gentlemen who lived during the '20s were normally great wearers of hats, so they were sure about what to do. If you really want to be in character, you would therefore remove the hat indoors.

What Miss Manners fails to understand here is why the grandmothers and aunts were not busy being dismayed at the notion of a costume-party wedding, where the guests felt obliged to keep the bride and bridegroom amused.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in the second trimester of my second pregnancy, and the summer heat is affecting me terribly.

I have several old-fashioned folding ladies' fans, one of the standard balsa-wood type and one beautiful antique ivory that belonged to my great-grandmother. It seems to me that these would be great to keep around for a handy breeze whenever required, staving off dizzy spells and other unfortunate side effects of pregnancy.

Are there situations when they are not appropriate? They are not used much anymore, and though I have inherited a few I was not taught any rules for when they are and are not correctly used. I am assuming they are correctly used at evening occasions, but what about church services, weddings or even a trip to the grocery store?

GENTLE READER: There are unbelievably complicated rules about the use of fans, but these are not restrictions on the mere use of a fan. Before the blessing of air conditioning, fans were aflutter everywhere.

As Miss Manners recalls from, oh, about a 150 years ago, holding the fan to the heart signified "I love you" and drawing it through the hand signified "I hate you." Snapping it open and shut signified "Stop being so mean," and opening it to obscure half the face signified "Oops, my husband is watching."

Or something like that.

Perhaps fortunately, this has become a forgotten language. You are welcome to use your fans anywhere to signify "I'm pregnant and the heat is getting to me."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy participating on a local recreational sports team, both for exercise and for social reasons. But I am not what you might call a highly competitive person.

I am becoming increasingly frustrated, though, with one of the members of my team. She frequently remarks about how poorly she is doing, and whenever she makes a mistake, she says something to the effect of, "I bet you all really hate being on a team with me, don't you?"

She is always smiling and laughing as she makes these remarks, so I understand that she probably believes that she is being self-deprecating, but the attitude is disheartening.

Also, when she does something well, she tends to make a scene (jumping up and down, laughing delightedly, congratulating herself, etc.). This is rather embarrassing, and several members of other teams have complained to us when she is out of earshot. I am a firm believer in "It's only a game," but my teammate is beginning to hamper my enjoyment of the game.

GENTLE READER: Issuing apologies and displaying modesty are approved and sometimes mandated by etiquette -- right up until the point where everyone is sick of hearing them. That's when the targets must protest.

Of course, a protest is what your teammate is trying to provoke. But Miss Manners suspects that a simple, "Don't worry, you're doing great" would only encourage her to keep repeating the exchange. You -- or even better, the team captain -- should reply, "Your playing is all right, but you should work on getting used to the fact that everyone has better days and worse days.

We don't crow when it goes well, and we don't apologize when it doesn't."

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