DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in the second trimester of my second pregnancy, and the summer heat is affecting me terribly.

I have several old-fashioned folding ladies' fans, one of the standard balsa-wood type and one beautiful antique ivory that belonged to my great-grandmother. It seems to me that these would be great to keep around for a handy breeze whenever required, staving off dizzy spells and other unfortunate side effects of pregnancy.

Are there situations when they are not appropriate? They are not used much anymore, and though I have inherited a few I was not taught any rules for when they are and are not correctly used. I am assuming they are correctly used at evening occasions, but what about church services, weddings or even a trip to the grocery store?

GENTLE READER: There are unbelievably complicated rules about the use of fans, but these are not restrictions on the mere use of a fan. Before the blessing of air conditioning, fans were aflutter everywhere.

As Miss Manners recalls from, oh, about a 150 years ago, holding the fan to the heart signified "I love you" and drawing it through the hand signified "I hate you." Snapping it open and shut signified "Stop being so mean," and opening it to obscure half the face signified "Oops, my husband is watching."

Or something like that.

Perhaps fortunately, this has become a forgotten language. You are welcome to use your fans anywhere to signify "I'm pregnant and the heat is getting to me."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy participating on a local recreational sports team, both for exercise and for social reasons. But I am not what you might call a highly competitive person.

I am becoming increasingly frustrated, though, with one of the members of my team. She frequently remarks about how poorly she is doing, and whenever she makes a mistake, she says something to the effect of, "I bet you all really hate being on a team with me, don't you?"

She is always smiling and laughing as she makes these remarks, so I understand that she probably believes that she is being self-deprecating, but the attitude is disheartening.

Also, when she does something well, she tends to make a scene (jumping up and down, laughing delightedly, congratulating herself, etc.). This is rather embarrassing, and several members of other teams have complained to us when she is out of earshot. I am a firm believer in "It's only a game," but my teammate is beginning to hamper my enjoyment of the game.

GENTLE READER: Issuing apologies and displaying modesty are approved and sometimes mandated by etiquette -- right up until the point where everyone is sick of hearing them. That's when the targets must protest.

Of course, a protest is what your teammate is trying to provoke. But Miss Manners suspects that a simple, "Don't worry, you're doing great" would only encourage her to keep repeating the exchange. You -- or even better, the team captain -- should reply, "Your playing is all right, but you should work on getting used to the fact that everyone has better days and worse days.

We don't crow when it goes well, and we don't apologize when it doesn't."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You probably won't even consider this letter, but I don't mind. I started this school year with great optimism, hoping to avoid any drama, and it seems to have backfired on me.

I love science. The year before I made sure that those were the only kinds of classes that I was going to get and I did get my classes only to end up falling for the teacher teaching one of my classes, Biology 2.

He's six years older than me, and he seems to be the ideal man for any girl. I fall in deeper as the days go by but I understand that there can be nothing between us, that it is impossible because he and I have our separate lives and goals, we are going in opposite directions. I know that what I feel is fake, I know that it's a crush, but I doubt it because crushes don't last a whole year and when I am with him I'm really happy.

Is it really OK for me to feel this way about my teacher? I would like to have your opinion.

GENTLE READER: Nevertheless, you are correct that this letter is one that Miss Manners should not consider. From the etiquette point of view, how you feel is your business as long as you behave yourself.

But heck, lovelorn advisers often presume to dispense etiquette advice. No doubt Miss Manners' advice to the lovelorn will be of the same quality.

You cannot, of course, embarrass your teacher -- and probably endanger his job -- by flirting with him. But as you love science, it would seem reasonable of you to become a biologist. If you work really hard at it and win the Nobel Prize and return to campus to tell this teacher that you owe it all to him, Miss Manners promises that he will find you irresistible. Presuming that by that time, he has not acquired a wife and six children.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I frequently eat at restaurants. It is common for waiters -- or even the manager -- to ask during or after the meal whether we like the food. Sometimes, when the food is not good, I say so. What usually follows is an overblown show of concern that I find disingenuous and unproductive. Eager to avoid this sort of scene, I often lie and say "everything is fine," even when it isn't.

This works well, but my wife and I are expecting our first daughter soon, and I don't like the idea of casually lying in front of her once she is old enough to understand.

What is a polite, truthful way of answering the question "How do you like the food?" without instigating an overblown response?

GENTLE READER: "It is satisfactory, thank you."

Presumably this is truthful, because you are eating the food, and if it were unsatisfactory, you should have sent it back. Such a tepid comment will expose the question for what it is -- brazen fishing for compliments.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son got married two years ago, and please keep in mind that my daughter-in-law and I have never had a falling out. We've stayed at their house overnight and were treated wonderfully. We get along fine because I do not want to be a meddling mother-in-law.

However, I've got some situations that I do not know how to handle.

1-First, tell me, am I wrong for believing that the bride should acknowledge her groom's side of the family with a thank you note for gifts, rather than making the groom write the thank you? The way they handled it, she wrote the thank-yous to her side of the family and my son wrote the notes to his side. Is this the acceptable way now?

2-Does that also hold true like on Mother's Day? Only my son acknowledges me on Mother's Day with a phone call, but the both of them acknowledge her mother and both her grandmothers each year by taking them out to brunch or hosting a brunch at their home. Even though we live in another state, I felt slighted again this year on Mother's Day when all I received was a phone call from my son, no card, nothing. I was brought up to respect both our mothers on Mother's Day with at least a card, and it was always the wife's duty to keep the list and remember to buy the cards or whatever.

3-Would I be out of line by sending a thank-you note to my son thanking him for the phone call? I love my son dearly, and it's not that I expect a gift, but I don't think it's very nice to call me up and tell me what they are doing for the other mothers and all I get is a "Happy Mother's Day."

4-I really need some answers because I feel that when they start having a family, I will be slighted again where the children are concerned.

GENTLE READER: Unless you heed Miss Manners' advice, you will indeed receive more slights. That is because you are manufacturing them yourself, and she is advising you to stop.

The premise on which you base your grievances -- that a wife assumes all social duties because the husband is the sole wage-earner -- has long been defunct. Couples sensibly decide for themselves who does what, and dividing correspondence by family is both common and sensible. You wouldn't care to have Mother's Day acknowledged by a card from your daughter-in-law and ignored by your son.

So if you expect more than a telephone call, you should deal with him. And not by a thank you letter if you intend that as a reprimand.

Try saying "Your Mother's Day excursions sound so delightful that I'd love to join you some time. Would it be convenient for me to visit at that time? Or if it turns out that I'm not able to, I'll settle for a card."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were recently in an automobile accident. How should I answer when people ask, "Who was at fault?" I feel it is none of their business.

GENTLE READER: And yet Miss Manners warns you that telling them so would not only be rude, but would convince them that you are unrepentant reckless drivers.

You might say, "Oh, we're not going to dwell on that. We are not litigious people." This would be equally true if you do not intend suing others and if you hope they do not intend suing you.

: