DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several years ago, I volunteered at an elementary school and became friendly with a mother and son who both taught there. My health has since deteriorated to the point where I am in a wheelchair. I left my volunteer job and the mother and son moved on.

In the eight years since we worked together, the mother has sent me jokes and prayers thru email, but seldom a personal message. I have not heard from the son in at least four years. Nothing at all until I received his wedding invitation.

I sent my regrets, and a note saying I would send a gift when I was out of the hospital. That day, I was cleared for surgery, and I spent three days in a hospital and four weeks in a rehab facility.

While I was unable to get my email, the mother of the groom sent me four emails reminding me to send her son "something to honor his special day." I then received a group email with a few wedding pictures, so everyone she sent it to was able to read her message that I could finally get her son a gift, and how was surgery? I could also see that she had abased another recipient.

I finally wrote her that I'd had enough. They claim to be devout Christians, yet they are hounding me for a gift. I explained that being in a wheelchair, it is difficult to get out, and I was sorry I didn't go shopping.

Then her son took over. He ignored my physical limitations and went on and on about how he gave me two months and I should have had plenty of time to buy him something. I have not heard from the man in four years, and then I receive an invitation to his wedding. Do I owe him a gift?

GENTLE READER: As a symbol of your affectionate relationship? The next step in such a campaign is to threaten to break your knees. When this happens, Miss Manners recommends involving the police. In the meantime, she suggests blocking or deleting their email.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In listing the obligations of a good houseguest, you mentioned using one's own telephone. I am old enough to remember the days when long-distance calls were paid by the minute, and a guest would place a call, keep track of its duration, and attempt to reimburse the host for it. This is certainly one incidence in which the invention of the mobile phone has been a good thing.

However, I'm curious: Why is telephone usage the only expense thus singled out? The guest eats and drinks, uses electricity, hot water and laundry supplies, soap and other consumables. Is there a reason that phone use is not part of the hosting package? I accept the rule but would love to know the rationale.

GENTLE READER: When the guest eats and drinks, the hosts can eat and drink. When the electricity is on, it shines on the guest and host alike. With any luck, they can both take showers at the same time, although Miss Manners knows about the problems in old houses.

However, when the guest uses the telephone or, for that matter, the host's computer, the host is cut off from sending and receiving communications. Therefore, the considerate guest brings his own devices or asks permission to use the host's and minimizes usage.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My younger sister and I have a close relationship, so when she told me that she was interested in someone, I was happy to hear the details of the blossoming of a new relationship. Sadly, both her and my classes will keep her from introducing him to me for a few months at least.

Facebook, however, makes the world a little bit flatter: Since her relationship has been posted, with a click of a button I can send him a message.

Is this a good thing to do, or will an email introducing an older sister (who is hoping for a response in kind) be inappropriate?

My sister will almost certainly not mind this; and furthermore, I trust my sister's judgment on matters of the heart. This is not an attempt to give or withhold my seal of approval: I'm driven by an interest to meet the person who my sister is so fond of.

However, I don't want to send anyone into a state of panic or to give a bad first impression. What should I do, introduce myself by email or wait a few months until I can be introduced in person?

It seems that you often come down slightly negatively on the topic of social networking. But while these can cause problems, especially if people don't use it intelligently (setting security levels to keep what needs to be private sequestered away, and being respectful of other people's personal space), there are wonderful benefits to be had.

Personally, I feel that it's very nice to be informed of details of the lives of those living far away: I love to see friends and family's posts of their more random thoughts and actions during the day. These are the things that distance would deprive you of otherwise, and while they are nice to know, these small things are not the stuff that good conversations are made of. It's also nice to be able to inform those with whom one is not close enough to talk on a weekly basis, but who nevertheless take interest in your life, of some of the larger events: such as new relationships that, while public, are not yet cause enough to call everyone one knows about.

As a side note: It is also a nice, not particularly harmful way for one to broadcast to those who would be suitors that they are not single. While networking certainly should not be used as a substitution for meeting in person or a phone call, many of these things really enrich the lives of users.

GENTLE READER: What do you mean, your sister would "almost certainly not mind" your jumping into her courtship? Couldn't you use one of those substitute methods of communication to ask her?

It strikes Miss Manners that the issue here is not networking, but meeting the family. The timing of that tends to be delicate, and surely the person most concerned should have some say in that. Would you, for example, consider it desirable for your parents to introduce themselves to your sister's beau -- whether through Facebook, or by calling him, texting him, or tracing him down and knocking on his door -- without asking her?

Do we really want the world to become flatter like that?

As for your side note -- Miss Manners is fervently hoping that this is a mere theoretical example, and that your sister is single.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a serious, but probably (hopefully) not dangerous medical condition (a benign inoperable brain tumor, if you must know). I am receiving radiation therapy for it. This situation is very unpleasant for me, and I would rather not discuss this except when I feel the need and am comfortable doing so.

I have shared this with my immediate family because I want to and I feel they do need to know. However, my wife thinks less close family members need to know this. And when I have chosen to reveal this at family gatherings, I have been chastised for not informing people sooner.

I disagree that I am obliged to share this information as a matter of course, and feel my privacy includes how and with whom I discuss this. Eventually, the side effects will be evident, and at that time it will be natural for people to inquire, and I'll deal with it in my own way.

But until then, since this issue has no affect on my relationships (in the sense that it is not serious enough that people need to help, or that I have limited time with them), I don't feel it is necessary to share this casually, except at my own choosing. I believe that if relatives feel like they need to know (including my wife's need to discuss this with others), that that is their problem, not mine.

Do you agree? Am I obliged to discuss this with other relatives who feel they need to know "because we're your relatives!"?

GENTLE READER: They should be told before they find out from other people. Delaying beyond that would make it look not only as if you don't care about those you don't tell, but -- to whoever tells them -- as if the uninformed would somehow have known if they had cared enough about you. And this is only too likely, now that more than one of your relatives already knows.

In other words, it would be a wide open door for the invasion of privacy, which is what you are trying to avoid.

Miss Manners understands that neither do you want to bring on the common side-effects of any serious medical condition: pitying looks, ill-informed advice and patronizing reassurances. Nor that lecture about how it is nothing to be ashamed of, as if shame were the only motivation for privacy.

This is an excellent reason for not announcing this to anyone outside of your family and intimate friends. With the, however, your best hope is to downplay the matter and cut off discussion saying gently, "Please, I really don't want to discuss this. I only told you because I know you care about me."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Hello, what is the etiquette on tipping the owner of a business?

GENTLE READER: According to whom?

Those of us who actually know etiquette can tell you authoritatively that is it improper to tip the owner of a business. Tipping is done to supplement the inadequate wages of service employees, and should be considered insulting by entrepreneurs.

However, Miss Manners is given to understand there are entrepreneurs who do not mind being insulted when it comes to money. She finds that regrettable.

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