DEAR MISS MANNERS: As the Communications Director for a government agency, I respond to written constituent inquiries. In an effort to personalize my responses, I often excerpt from the original missive. For example, "You're agency stnks!" (sic).

Should I correct spelling and grammatical errors from the original correspondence or leave them as is? I hate to fudge a quote, but if I don't correct errors, I am concerned the constituent will think the mistakes are mine, putting my agency in a bad light.

Also, it seems rude to point out someone's errors when they have taken the time to share their concerns. My agency does not yet have a policy regarding this point of professional etiquette.

GENTLE READER: But if you correct the quotation, won't the letter writer think, "Stupid bureaucrats -- can't even quote accurately"?

Besides, surely it is a comfort to note that your critics are not, shall we say, discerning. Miss Manners would consider it polite enough if you preceded the letter writer's words with "as you so colorfully put it...."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a mother of a 7-month-old son and have recently joined a local "mom's club" to meet other mothers for friendship and play dates for our children. Some of the events the mom's club puts together are evenings out to dinner where it's "just the girls."

Our family is struggling financially, not even making ends meet every month, and I am unemployed, desperately trying to find work. Like so many families these days, we do not have extra money for indulgences such as this.

There is an upcoming mom's night out at a local Mexican restaurant for which I have found a few coupons -- one for $5 off the total bill, and the other is buys one meal get the second free. I would like to use these coupons for this dinner and in theory believe they would more than pay for my entree, so when the bill comes at the end of the night, all that's left for me to pay is my portion of the tax and tip.

But on the other hand, I can see how this would seem strange to others and perhaps even tacky. Or maybe the other moms would feel the savings these coupons provide should be disbursed over the group as a whole, and not apply solely to me.

GENTLE READER: As you are wise enough to realize, this is not just a mathematical matter but a social problem.

It is true that by throwing in both coupons, you will be paying for your meal plus $5. And it is fortunate that everyone wants to go to a restaurant for which you have coupons, because it sounds as if you need that night out.

But Miss Manners suspects that you are right that others, not having done the calculation, might feel somewhat taken advantage of. The way to make them think it through is to hand your coupons to the person calculating the bill and ask, "Does this take care of my share?" Any decent person will read it over and say yes. Especially if you do this after the others have paid, so that it would look petty to give them refunds at your expense.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, I needed to call my former wife on a matter of some importance (fortunately not an emergency) concerning our children. She was not home, so I left a message. She never called me back.

When she later learned of the situation, she reproached me for not contacting her, so I explained that I had left a message for her at home.

When she said breezily, "Oh, I never check messages on my home phone," I was at a loss for words; not at the decision not to use the technology of voice mail -- a decision which is hers to make -- but because her recorded message says (exact quote), "This is Jane. I'd appreciate it if you would leave me a message."

I pointed out that if she had no intention of listening to messages, she could do what our daughter did on her home phone and record the message, "We do not check this machine for messages, so please try our cell phones...."

Then, just last night, I was talking with a friend -- of the "younger generation," if that is relevant -- who has been dating a young woman whose voice mailbox is always full, because she doesn't listen to messages, either. I don't know what her greeting is, but if one has no intention of listening to messages, should one not say so, saving one's callers time and annoyance? I fully believe that the voice mailbox is mine to use, or not use, as I please, but to mislead callers by inviting them to leave a message I refuse to listen to seems, well, rude.

While Miss Manners' Gentle Readers all understand that technology exists to serve us and not the other way 'round, and, similarly, that one cannot be rude to a machine, nonetheless we would be grateful for some guidance on how to interact with friends and relatives (who may possibly not be Gentle Readers) who have other ideas.

GENTLE READER: And it is not just ex-wives, as you have discovered. Many people have all but abandoned monitoring their home telephones.

But Miss Manners assures you that by the time you program in their cellular telephone numbers, they will have also given up listening to messages left there, on the grounds that this takes too long, and they only check text messages.

As an excuse, this does not play as well as the old lost-in-the-mail or service-was-down ones, since clearly missing such messages cannot be blamed on others. The least people can do, as you suggest, is to warn you.

But as you now know, there are people who do not do that least. Miss Manners is afraid you will have to get into the habit of asking, "What is the best way to reach you?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When ordering at a restaurant, is it permissible to say, "I want . . .," or "Give me . . ."?

I greatly prefer, "I would like" or "Please may I have the...." My son believes I am "hyper" about manners.

GENTLE READER: How fortunate, then, for him that he has you to bring him up. Miss Manners trusts that you also know better than to cede authority to someone whose object is to remove courtesy and recommend making bald demands.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm pleased to note how consideration for others seems to be the guiding principle of manners as you promote them, but one rule of etiquette has puzzled me for a lifetime: the prohibition of wearing white or linen between Labor Day and Easter.

This rule assumes September is always nippy and Easter is always mild, when the reverse can often be true in the United States. The rule seems even more arbitrary when one lives in the subtropics, where February days routinely top 80 degrees. Would you please shed some light on how we might understand this rule?

GENTLE READER: Consideration for others is something you have kindly shown Miss Manners. When this rule is questioned, it is usually with a barrage of sarcasm and disdain rarely leveled on far more restrictive rules.

Miss Manners is aware of the glamour of rebellion, but could there possibly be a more tepid cause?

The source is a misunderstanding that you share with the ferocious rebels. It is true that consideration for others is a guiding principle of manners, but that is not its only function. It is also a repository of folk customs that are indeed arbitrary, but that folks like to practice anyway. Or, as Miss Manners has learned, hate to.

This one has to do with seasons, not with weather. Easter is a time for bringing out pastel colors and, for those few who care to, straw hats. Memorial Day marks the beginning of summer, when white seems refreshing. However, there is no wardrobe police to enforce this, which makes Miss Manners wonder what all the excitement is about.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I moved back to a state where I had previously resided, while my wife and daughter stayed behind to sell the house. I am now maintaining two residences on one salary, which, as you can imagine, is a strain financially.

My friends here are wonderful and invite me to do many things, including activities that involve at least moderate expense. I simply cannot afford to do these things. My friends, conscious of the situation, ALWAYS pay.

My protestations, my offers to pay at least part of the cost, my polite declining of invitations, are all waved away with love and compassion. I adore them all for their kindness and generosity, but I am starting to feel subsidized, and don't want to be a mooch, ESPECIALLY since I love them so much.

I have offered dinner to them all upon the reunion of my family, but what else can I do to avoid being a financial leech and still spend time with these marvelous people? They refuse my refusals, knowing the reason behind them.

GENTLE READER: Money is not the only commodity that friends can provide for one another, and not even the most valuable one, handy as it may be. You could be doing other sorts of favors for your kind friends.

Now you are probably going to ask Miss Manners what favors. People are always asking her what presents to give to their dearest friends whom she has never laid eyes on.

Think of something helpful you can offer without its seeming like payment: "I'll pick everyone up so we don't all have to look for parking," or "I'm doing my lawn this weekend and I'd be happy to do yours -- it's how I get my exercise," or "You don't need a carpenter to fix that -- woodworking is my hobby."

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