DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a flatware issue that perhaps you could shed light on. My everyday flatware is a set of stainless steel that I purchased over 20 years ago. At this point, it is difficult to keep clean and I don't really like the design.

This leaves me with two choices: purchase a new set of stainless steel or use my set of sterling silver flatware. To be honest, spending money on a new set of stainless flatware seems like a waste of money to me even if I found a set that I like.

The set of sterling is not very ornate, and I do like it. I also know how to take care of it. It seems a waste not to use it other than at fancy dinners, which don't happen too frequently. I grew up using sterling silver every day because that was all that my parents had, since they received it as wedding gifts and didn't have money as newlyweds to purchase something else to use every day. Is it acceptable to use sterling silver flatware every day?

GENTLE READER: Acceptable? The silver is yours, it is not stolen, and it doesn't wear out. Why are you even asking?

Miss Manners is reminded of two stories, one fiction, one real, about "saving" good possessions. The first was a short story about a lady who had been given an exquisite tablecloth when she was married, and had never found an occasion special enough to use it. So it was first used as her shroud.

The second was about a tycoon who had an Old Master painting on his yacht. Someone who had been a guest on the yacht told Miss Manners that he had asked the owner whether the salty sea air might not damage the painting. "It might," was the reply, "but I believe that if you have good things you ought to enjoy them."

So did Miss Manners before she heard that second story.

However, it still applies to your silver.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a priest; a few years ago, he was ordained, and we moved to a new parish. The people have been lovely, kind and welcoming, and I appreciate their support in every way.

That said, I'm beginning to have a bit of a problem. The parish is very family-oriented people and larger families tend to be the rule. My first child is now at an age where people have decided I'm ready for another one, and they have started pointing this out to me.

I happen to agree that it's time for another and am currently pregnant, but it's far too early to announce the pregnancy. Until then, bearing in mind how kindly we have been welcomed and that I really don't want to kill any conversations, how do I respond to the comment, "You're about ready for another one"?

GENTLE READER: Kindly meant or not, such remarks are inexcusably nosy and rude. Miss Manners usually hears about this being said to ladies who are not planning to have children, or more children, or, heart-breakingly, to those who want them but have been unable to have them. Since you are pregnant, your problem will soon disappear. You need only smile and say, "We shall see."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live and work in a small, localized neighborhood within a large metropolitan city. My job is in retail, and I am paid handsomely to be friendly and courteous to people I would normally prefer not to associate with in my personal life.

Sometimes I pass these people on the sidewalk on my days off, and I understand that if we make eye contact, it is proper for me to acknowledge them with a smile and a nod.

What are my obligations to these people when they are wearing sunglasses and I really have no idea if they are seeing me or not?

Often I will smile and look at them in the eyes as best I can but usually end up feeling foolish and wishing I hadn't when I realize they hadn't even noticed me coming in the opposite direction. Being that I live in a large city, it is not unusual to pass hundreds of other people a day without any contact at all.

Am I just overly sensitive, or am I allowed to ignore these occasional customers with sunglasses on?

GENTLE READER: If there is a more minimal obligation to perform than a passing smile and a nod to an acquaintance, Miss Manners cannot think what it would be. And if there is a more baseless source of embarrassment than the supposed reaction of someone who didn't even see oneself, what would that be?

Acknowledging someone's existence is not an endorsement; failing to do so, unless it is clearly accidental, is an insult. Miss Manners suggests that you make the effort -- or start wearing sunglasses.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a pre-opera lecture before a production. The speaker was a college professor expert in the composer's life and the work to be performed.

A crowd of about 600 was in the auditorium, so the speaker was using a microphone. As he began, a woman several rows behind me began shouting that she couldn't hear. She kept this up regularly throughout the talk with the result that none of us could easily hear anything but her. The speaker chose to ignore her after he had pointed out that he was doing his best to make himself heard.

I was unsure what to do, and simply sat and tried to make the best of it. Thinking of it now, I feel perhaps I should have asked the head usher to attempt to quiet the woman by moving her closer to the loudspeakers. Could you please let me know if that would be acceptable?

GENTLE READER: Certainly, but Miss Manners begs you to think of it -- and to phrase it -- as assisting the lady, rather than shutting her up.

In fact, the first people in an audience who call out "We can't hear" are doing a service. The lecturer needs to know that, and to adjust. It was the repetition by someone who apparently was the only person with difficulty that made it annoying.

So yes, by all means, you should have attempted to help the lady -- and the rest of the audience, whose problem of hearing she was causing -- as long as you did it politely.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two months ago, I started a beautiful relationship with a 59-year-old guy. I am 44. We broke up with our current relationships based on the strong feelings we felt for each other.

After a month of feeling bad for his ex, my new man says he feels we should take a break, but after a few days, he wanted to see me. He hugs me for dear life when he does see me, but when we speak on the phone, he goes back to "let's take a break." I do not understand what's going on. He is talking with the ex, and I do believe him when he says there is no intimacy, they're establishing a better friendship. He was feeling a lot of guilt from their breakup.

The other day (Monday), he was to return my call, and I waited all night. Keep in mind he just lost a friend on Friday or Saturday. I decided to call and let the phone ring over and over. I left two bad messages, but I let it ring over and over.

Well, he finally called back to say this was the last time he'll talk to me. (He had said that to the ex when she visited me at the job, but now they're talking.) He told me I should've checked my e-mail. I was unaware that hours before. he sent me this message: "Please let it be for now. I ask for solitude at this time. I am OK, but I ask that you not call me. I need to be alone. Thanks."

I felt so bad. I would not have called like that. How do I make up? I sent a reply that I had wanted him to see this important DVD that will help us both. He did not respond. I want to go by his home -- should I? Help.

GENTLE READER: Oh, dear. This is a lesson you should have learned 30 years ago. You wouldn't have believed your mother when she told you what to do, or rather what not to do, but at least she would have been on hand to dry your tears.

When a romance gets to the point where the other person asks to be left alone, talking does not help. Suggesting relationship material does not help. Apologizing for calling does not help. All that makes it worse.

Your only hope is to leave him strictly alone.

Hope? Hope? Did Miss Manners get your attention with the only possibility that interests you?

It is only a very slim hope. But if anything works to reverse a break-up, it is the emotional realization of what one has lost. This is what happened to your beau in regard to your predecessor. He dumped her for you, realized she was really gone, and went back.

In contrast, you are not gone: You are hanging around, and in a rather irritating manner, Miss Manners has to say. Instead, you should have made yourself totally unavailable at the first indication of his defection, so that his regret focused, instead, on you.

At this point, it is not easy, and no, you can't call him to say you are writing him off and going on with your life. But if you can get out and about, in an apparently relieved and happy state, word may get back to him.

Miss Manners promises nothing. But this approach will at least help you recover by giving you back your dignity.

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