DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our son (finally!) brought home a lovely young woman, a fellow attorney in his firm, to meet us. She is intelligent, charming and we were delighted with her.

They stayed the weekend, and my husband and I realized she has likely not been brought up with all the privileges my son has had. I tell you this as background to the following:

I stock each guest room with a range of nice soaps, a selection of toiletries of various brands, plus any necessary items (toothbrushes, razors) a guest may have forgotten. When restocking the guest room after their departure, I was surprised to find not a single item in the drawers -- they had been cleaned out. Even the basket of soaps.

The two will be guests at a partner's summer home in a few months. I feel this behavior will not enhance her future -- or my son's, should they share a room.

My husband says I should speak to the young woman at the first opportunity. I believe it would be more appropriate to speak to my son and let him decide what -- if anything -- is to be done. I feel very awkward about bringing it up with a young woman I hardly know.

What do you think? Him? Her? No one?

Miss Manners, I do not in any way begrudge the items -- I'd have happily gifted her with all of them.

GENTLE READER: You cannot, Miss Manners supposes, warn the young lady's other hosts before she cleans them out.

Evidentially, she is one of those people -- and there are great numbers of them -- who drive up hotel prices because they believe that the bathroom toiletries are little prizes for the clients rather than supplies to be used on the premises.

Still, she is a guest and a prospective daughter-in-law. As you get to know her, you may have occasion to give her a present, in which case a well-stocked travel case of toiletries might occur to you.

In the meantime, you might mention the situation to your son in a manner that does not require him to defend her -- "Zenobia is such a dear, and we hope she comes often. Incidentally, did you or she need the whole basket of soaps and razors and toothbrushes and such? I'm more than happy to give you whatever you want, but please let me know so I can replenish the supply. I only keep it in case a guest has forgotten something."

And lock up your jewelry case.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The hostess served iced tea at a recent luncheon in her home. After the luncheon, the following question arose: "What do you do with your iced tea spoon if the tea is served in a glass without a coaster or saucer under it?"

One of the guests had carefully rested her damp spoon on her used sweetener packet. All of us agreed that we didn't know the proper etiquette, but that Miss Manners would.

GENTLE READER: The proper etiquette is to protect your hostess and her possessions from the consequences of her lack of foresight. It was her job to provide saucers or those stemless spoon heads that serve as spoon parking places. Since she did not do so, Miss Manners is grateful that you did not conclude that the lady was planning to tint her linens anyway.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My in-laws and I are not close. I am polite to them, and, for my dear husband's sake, try to be cordial. My husband's stepmother died three months ago. At the visitation and funeral, his father behaved quite boorishly. Within a month, he was dating again.

Since then, he has dated at least two women (serially, not simultaneously) and is corresponding with another whom he found via a popular Internet matchmaking site. Incidentally, he and his late wife had a 13-year-old daughter.

Despite the modern view that everyone grieves in his own way and time, I am appalled by this rapid moving on, especially since he has given little time (or apparently thought) to his daughter's grief and loss. Naturally, I do not voice my disapproval.

During a recent visit to our home, he made several comments about getting a neighbor to check his mail for a letter he was expecting. I knew from the context he was referring to his lady correspondent.

Unsure how to respond to his comments about the anticipated letter, I simply acted as if I heard nothing and changed the subject.

How should I have handled this? It is likely to recur.

GENTLE READER: Fortunately, you are not required to handle either your father-in-law's mail or his social life. Miss Manners knows that this will come to you as a relief.

What would be kind would be for you to direct your attention, instead, to your young and not-so-incidental sister-in-law. If her father is preoccupied, she would doubtless be grateful for some sympathetic family life.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My nationwide gym is getting me heated in more ways than the one I'm there for. While rules for the gym go unheeded and unenforced, I guess it is no surprise that common sense manners are not far behind.

When an exercise class I attend ends, another starts. Like most gyms, the workout room has several glass walls, including the one with the only door to enter and exit the area. The starting class will stay outside the door and watch while the ending class puts away their equipment. But as soon as someone from the ending class opens the door to walk out, the starting class takes this as their cue to start pushing their way in, leaving the ending class to bottleneck and wait for a chance to walk out.

Am I wrong to think the strategy and etiquette for the changing of members to be consistent to an elevator's exchange of users or bus/train passengers? It seems to me the ones leaving should be let out first. After all, the starting class can't start until the ending class clears the studio. I'd love to hear your opinion on this.

GENTLE READER: As soon as Miss Manners can get out of the way of all those frightfully fit hordes charging at each other.

Being right about the procedure, as you are, can't be much comfort if these people are, as you say, chronic rule-breakers. You might try enlisting the help of a burly classmate, who will stand at the door calling out, bus-conductor style, "Let 'em out first, please."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Now that people are encouraged to turn off their cell phones in restaurants and movie theaters, the custom is to communicate with text messages.

I have a friend who I get together with only about four times a year because of our busy schedules. We get together for dinner and shopping or for a few days at the beach. I look forward to catching up with my friend, and I assume that my friend will give me her full time and attention.

Unfortunately, thanks to text messaging, this is no longer the case. Last summer, when we were at the beach having dinner, my friend was preoccupied with her phone. She stared at it constantly.

She sent and returned e-mails even while at the beach. She liked a new guy and was hoping to hear from him, so she was always checking her phone, even while chatting with me. The same thing happened when we were at the movies a few months ago. My friend was texting another friend about our activities.

I want to say something to my friend so that she realizes her behavior makes me feel ignored, but I don't know what to say. Everyone except me seems to be obsessed with their cell phones these days.

Could you please advise me on the correct manners for the use of cell phones and text messaging, and could you also help me deal with my cell phone-obsessed friend?

GENTLE READER: Here we go again. Every time there is a new toy, people imagine that it is not covered by existing etiquette rules and therefore they feel free to use it to annoy other people.

So it was with cellular telephones. And, as you point out, people still need to be reminded not to use their telephones to violate the old rules against disturbing others with noise and ignoring people who have a claim on their attention.

Well, guess what? Texting also comes under the latter rule. Nobody sympathizes more than Miss Manners with the tedium of having to make this point to people who aren't paying attention. You could patiently explain that the idea of those jaunts is to get away from your ordinary demands so that you can enjoy each other's company undisturbed. You could propose specific times for checking in with others so that you can also have time together free of virtual visiting with others.

But if she looks at you vaguely while keeping her fingers on her telephone keyboard, Miss Manners suggests that you rethink this year's beach outing. It cannot be entertaining for you to be with someone who isn't really there.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After I have attended a wedding as a guest of the bride, I write a simple, informal thank you note to the parents (hosts), mentioning the lovely day, pretty bride, thanking them for including me in their special event, etc. At a recent luncheon with several friends, this came up (can't remember why or how), and everyone (including the recipient of one of my notes) agreed that I was acting in an affected manner by doing this. Am I?

GENTLE READER: Did you thank your friends for their kind concern?

While it is not obligatory to send written thanks after attending a wedding -- because it is not a form of pure entertainment, but a ceremony -- Miss Manners would never call it affected. Those who do betray their eagerness to dumb down behavior to their own level.

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