DEAR MISS MANNERS: Now that people are encouraged to turn off their cell phones in restaurants and movie theaters, the custom is to communicate with text messages.

I have a friend who I get together with only about four times a year because of our busy schedules. We get together for dinner and shopping or for a few days at the beach. I look forward to catching up with my friend, and I assume that my friend will give me her full time and attention.

Unfortunately, thanks to text messaging, this is no longer the case. Last summer, when we were at the beach having dinner, my friend was preoccupied with her phone. She stared at it constantly.

She sent and returned e-mails even while at the beach. She liked a new guy and was hoping to hear from him, so she was always checking her phone, even while chatting with me. The same thing happened when we were at the movies a few months ago. My friend was texting another friend about our activities.

I want to say something to my friend so that she realizes her behavior makes me feel ignored, but I don't know what to say. Everyone except me seems to be obsessed with their cell phones these days.

Could you please advise me on the correct manners for the use of cell phones and text messaging, and could you also help me deal with my cell phone-obsessed friend?

GENTLE READER: Here we go again. Every time there is a new toy, people imagine that it is not covered by existing etiquette rules and therefore they feel free to use it to annoy other people.

So it was with cellular telephones. And, as you point out, people still need to be reminded not to use their telephones to violate the old rules against disturbing others with noise and ignoring people who have a claim on their attention.

Well, guess what? Texting also comes under the latter rule. Nobody sympathizes more than Miss Manners with the tedium of having to make this point to people who aren't paying attention. You could patiently explain that the idea of those jaunts is to get away from your ordinary demands so that you can enjoy each other's company undisturbed. You could propose specific times for checking in with others so that you can also have time together free of virtual visiting with others.

But if she looks at you vaguely while keeping her fingers on her telephone keyboard, Miss Manners suggests that you rethink this year's beach outing. It cannot be entertaining for you to be with someone who isn't really there.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After I have attended a wedding as a guest of the bride, I write a simple, informal thank you note to the parents (hosts), mentioning the lovely day, pretty bride, thanking them for including me in their special event, etc. At a recent luncheon with several friends, this came up (can't remember why or how), and everyone (including the recipient of one of my notes) agreed that I was acting in an affected manner by doing this. Am I?

GENTLE READER: Did you thank your friends for their kind concern?

While it is not obligatory to send written thanks after attending a wedding -- because it is not a form of pure entertainment, but a ceremony -- Miss Manners would never call it affected. Those who do betray their eagerness to dumb down behavior to their own level.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am responsible for coordinating the commencement exercises at the high school where I teach. A colleague and I are having a lively discussion regarding the proper etiquette for women today wearing graduation caps during the National Anthem.

She says if the caps are not clipped or pinned on, the young women should remove them. I, on the other hand, feel that traditional etiquette calls for only men to remove their caps during this time. Can you advise us of the proper protocol?

GENTLE READER: It is certainly not to have some take off their caps while others do not. Never mind whether or not they are pinned or clipped to them -- to onlookers, the hatted will appear to be unpatriotic and disrespectful.

So you do need a policy. Of course that is what you asked Miss Manners to set, and now she is going to waffle. Sorry.

The mortarboard is a professional, unisex item, not to be confused with a lady's garden party hat. In theory, it is subject to the same rules that govern their male colleagues.

However -- the mortarboard is also a particularly aggressive head grabber, flattening any hair upon which it sits. Furthermore, graduations are often held out of doors, making it necessary to anchor it firmly. So Miss Manners might weaken and yield if your high school graduates plead that they have already had their hair done for the prom.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to serve hot tea in a business meeting? Yes, I sometimes feel more like a waitress than an executive assistant, not that there is a thing in the world wrong with being a waitress. I just don't feel qualified for that position.

Do I dunk the tea bag and dispose of it before I serve our guest(s)? Do I place the unopened tea bag on the saucer next to the cup of hot water for our guest(s) to open and dunk themselves? Do I place the opened tea bag in the cup of hot water and serve it to our guest, making sure I've provided a saucer upon which to dispose of the tea bag? I understand this may be a very unworthy question.

GENTLE READER: No, but it is an unworthy situation. Whether your job description involves serving tea is not Miss Manners' concern. It is the tea bag that bothers her. There is no graceful way to deal with it.

However, she supposes she is not going to persuade you to lobby your company to serve loose tea in teapots. So you will have to do your best to accommodate tea drinkers with different attitudes about the proper strength. They can be very fussy, you know.

Your choice is to ask the preference of each person, in which case you need not make them deal with the nasty wet tea bag situation, or to present cups of hot water with the tea bags on the saucer.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are renting a nice home in an upscale neighborhood outside Washington, D.C. Since moving in, at least a dozen neighbors have approached us with the off-putting welcome of "So, you are renting this house?"

We both find the question to be rather forward and rude.

Without knowing our reason for renting, it puts us on the defensive for not being "able" to buy a home, when, in fact, we are more than able to; we just choose not to in this current market.

Could you help us with an appropriate comeback that let's them know that yes, we are renters, but that in no way makes us second-class citizens and we don't appreciate having to defend our status?

GENTLE READER: Don't you want to get the curtains up before you start sparring with the neighbors?

Miss Manners is not at all sure that you have any cause. She has no tolerance for pure nosiness, real estate or otherwise, but surely you understand that neighbors have a legitimate interest in what is going on in the neighborhood. Maybe they hate your landlords and hope they are gone for good. Maybe they like you and are hoping you are there to stay. Maybe they also rent.

Besides, don't you know that nowadays, seeming rich is considered more offensive than seeming poor?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While having guests over has been a welcome change from "happy hours" around town, one new challenge has arisen in keeping friends happily entertained. Concerning music, there are three types of guest. The first is fine with almost any music. The second prefers having nothing playing at all, explaining that she has difficulty conversing while music is playing, at any volume.

The third guest must have music playing to feel comfortable, and is quite particular about the music itself, not tolerating anything different for long. She will pick through the host's CD collection as a sort of unsolicited DJ and will even bring her own CDs to play. Another variant of this is the guest with an iPod who will connect it to a stereo, to play for an entire evening without invitation or discussion.

How would you recommend handling those overzealous people with no patience for any tunes but their own? And can they possibly sit in the same room with someone who finds any music at all detrimental to conversation?

GENTLE READER: Your choice seems to be between letting them try to socialize without musical accompaniment and making everyone listen to the meddling guests' choice of music -- not only people who dislike background music but those who have different musical tastes. Miss Manners would have no trouble making that choice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am familiar with wedding announcements. Is there an equivalent for deaths? Is the bereaved expected to send a notice to friends and relatives who are not nearby? Can this task be delegated to a family member?

GENTLE READER: Formal death notices, with black-bordered cards, do exist, but are not in common use in the United States. Miss Manners considers this exactly the sort of task that can be delegated to those people who keep asking, "Is there anything I can do?"

"Please let people know," can be the response, whether you hand over the address book of the deceased or simply mean that each person should inform whoever he or she knows who would be interested.

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