A common custom is dying out: That of party-goers watching the guest of honor open presents.

A dismayed hostess reports giving showers at which the ladies being showered took home their presents unopened. "Is it now an acceptable practice not to open them with the guests present?" she laments.

The mother of a preschooler who has accompanied him to birthday parties at which the presents went unopened asks, "Am I wrong to want to buck this trend? I am planning a celebration for my son, who will turn 4, and I would like him to open his gifts in front of his guests because I feel that doing otherwise deprives them of the joy of seeing his excitement and gratitude."

Miss Manners, guardian of tradition, will be of no help or comfort to these Gentle Readers.

It is true that children's birthday parties and bridal and baby showers have long featured a routine whereby the guests gather around while the person being honored reads aloud the card on each present, opens them, and shows them or passes them around, publicly thanking each donor by name.

But frankly, this was not the best thought-out custom. At large gatherings, it would become tedious, putting a damper on conversation and a strain on expressing admiration for duplicate presents.

There are worse consequences now, because the circumstances at such events have changed for the worse. Too many people who are not particularly close to the honoree are likely to be invited -- whole classrooms, adult relatives and the parents' friends to children's birthday parties; and work colleagues and acquaintances to showers. That makes a lot of presents to open.

The stakes have also gotten higher. Token presents, chosen for their amusement value and because they said something -- preferably something charming -- about the recipient are rare. Children's presents have expanded to become a financial burden on the givers, and, from their numbers, of only passing interest to the recipients.

Furthermore, there are not likely to be any surprises when the packages are opened, thanks to the ubiquitous gift registry. This effectively eliminates surprise. The recipient dictates the choices and the donors buy from the list.

The result is a mere show of greed, envy and shame. Those 4-year-old guests are hardly likely to feel gratified, even if the host has been perfectly trained to express joy and excitement for everything -- the disappointments and the duplicates, along with the rest.

They are more likely to feel resentful that none of it is for them, and worried and embarrassed if their presents do not measure up to what others have given. Shower guests, as adults, should be more mature, but Miss Manners wouldn't bet on it.

She commends those who have noticed the problem and taken the step of abolishing the public show. She considers it a better solution than substituting charitable donations for presents, which can have the unintended consequence of turning a disappointed child against philanthropy.

Eschewing gift registries and agreeing on spending caps would still be valuable ways to rescue present-giving from the crude practice it has become. But Miss Manners considers killing the public opening to be a mercy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS -- My brother has a friend whose wife recently gave birth to a baby with Down Syndrome. My brother was about to talk to his friend for the first time since the birth and did not know what to say to him. He asked my advice and I suggested he simply say, "Congratulations on the birth of your baby." Was this good advice, or was more called for in this situation?

GENTLE READER -- That more would be called for is a dangerous thought that often leads to a cruel form of rudeness. Miss Manners reminds you that births are to be celebrated, not critiqued.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always been taught that finances and expenses are topics that should not be inquired about, due to their obviously sensitive nature, especially in an economy like ours.

The problem I am facing is that I dog-sit for people in my college community (professors, landlords, etc.) and know that I will, in all likelihood, have to continue dog sitting when I graduate this spring with a BA in fashion, even if I can find a job.

While this doesn't bother me (sometimes I like dogs better than people), I face the question, "How much would you like to be paid?" I understand it's a very necessary question, but I never know what to say. I don't have a set price, and I'm willing to work around the budgets of people I know and like. I am never certain of any clients' finances, and I refuse to inquire.

I suppose I am stuck between setting a price and changing it for some, which may appear like I'm doing charity, or leaving payment open, where it might get around that I charge differently for different people, which would be just as bad, if not worse. I suppose it comes down to my looking for a polite and tactful way to ease into the subject of finances without offending, being underpaid or appearing greedy.

GENTLE READER: So there you are, with an etiquette stand-off because you can't ask your clients about their financial situations, and you also can't name a price, because it depends on what they can afford.

But meanwhile, the dogs are jumping about nervously near the front door, desperate to get out. Miss Manners will make haste.

Fix a price and name it. If a client seems to falter, you can adjust it by adding, "but Wordsworth here qualifies for a scholarship" and naming a lower price.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My birthday is coming up next month. I love having parties every year, but this year I'm a little stressed out: I got my invitations about a month ago because I saw them and absolutely loved them. I told one of my friends that isn't as close to me as many of my other friends because I was pretty sure I was going to invite her.

Now that I need to start sending out invitations, I'm not so sure I want to invite her anymore. I don't want her feel left out or for her to think I'm mean, and I especially don't want not inviting her to be a sin. Now whether or not to invite her is always on my mind. Should I invite her? Is it a sin if I don't?

GENTLE READER: If it's your 14th birthday, your mother would tell you that once you announced the party to a prospective guest, you were obliged to invite her. How could she not feel left out if you told her about the party and then left her out?

If you are older, Miss Manners should not have to remind you that the rule is still in effect.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Will you come to my rescue and share with me a wise and prudent response to the "wisdom" that comes sometimes from the mouths of mere babes?

Such as when I pick my 4-year-old up from day care, and one of her little classmates observes, quite loudly and openly, "You have a big belly."

What can you say in response to that, without setting another bad example yourself? I don't quite feel right instructing the offender in proper social behavior, and I want to set a good example for my child of being comfortable with my body image.

GENTLE READER: One lesson at a time, please. How would you demonstrate that you are proud of your body while also chastising the person who drew attention to it?

Miss Manners suggests that you confuse the classmate by saying, "Thank you." Thus, the offense will pass unnoticed by your daughter until later, when you explain to her that it is rude to comment about other people's appearances. Any discussion you want to have about your pride in your belly should be saved for still later.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was always taught that when eating, to close the lips over the fork or spoon. Lately I have noticed several TV ads that have happy people eating some delightful dish that has been advertised, and drawing the food from their teeth with a big smile on their faces and their teeth bared. For some reason, this makes me shudder! What is the proper (mannerly) way to do this?

GENTLE READER: With the television set off. You were taught properly, and if there are to be revisions in manners, Miss Manners promises you that they will not be announced through behavior demonstrated in television advertisements.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can we convince a family who live on an adjacent street to park there -- in front of their own home? Our quiet little street has a limited amount of parking around our cul de sac. Many of us need to park in front of our houses because of disabilities. The people who "hog" our street with their cars have to climb several steps to enter their house from the front street level, so they prefer to park on our street and walk a few steps through the alley to their back entrance. That means we have to sometimes park in front of their house, especially late at night, and then walk on their street to another street and then turn onto our street. These offensive folk would only have to walk up steps and they are home.

Not only do they prevent us from parking, but they block our guests, tradesmen, landscape and other workmen who have heavy equipment or large items to deliver. And they will leave a car parked in one spot for weeks at a time.

GENTLE READER: When asking for a courtesy, it is best to put words like "hog" out of your mind and your vocabulary. You understand, Miss Manners trusts, that these are public streets, and you have no legal claim to the space.

Since there seem to be several people on your street who are inconvenienced, perhaps you could arrange a small gathering where you could all become better acquainted with your neighbors. Food, drink, pleasant chit-chat, and only then "By the way, I wonder if you could find parking nearer to your house..."

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